Mixing Pods

“Hey Dad, What’s Up?”

That was our typical greeting. An open-ended question. Most of the time I think he was curious, but sometimes I think he wanted to help solve a problem. There was plenty of both over the years.

Since I am the baby of the family with a large ‘afterthought’ gap between my siblings, so many of my memories of my dad are from when he was in his 50s, 60s, and 70s.

In writing up a eulogy for his vigil earlier this month, I just kept reflecting on the various conversations and experiences over our lifetimes. As a kid, they were very active and later in life centered around conversations and answering the question ‘what’s up?’

In the Garden

I’m pretty sure my dad would keep voting in favor of daylight savings time. I remember him being in the garden until at least 8 or 9 p.m. throughout the summer, while I jumped on the trampoline asking him to check out my tricks.

As a young kid, I asked for a red wagon for Christmas. I’m really not sure if it was really my idea or part of his master plan. Because once I got it, I had to haul vegetables to all the neighbors in the fall. This wasn’t your typical suburban garden, it was huge and included all the vegetables that you can find in your local produce section in the store. You disappear on the corn husks like in a scene from Field of Dreams.

In the Kitchen

He loved to cook, making it up based on what he had available. He always cooked from scratch and nothing went to waste in the house. (He would remind us of his humble roots and be grateful for the food on the table.) We always had leftovers… which were either combined with something else for the meal the following day or in a Tupperware container in the fridge. I could always count on my friend Ryan Fowler to come over and eat the leftovers.

On Boy Scout outings with Glasser and Doug, after long days of adventure, he would make his famous peach cobbler in a Dutch oven over the hot coals once the fire had burned down. It was an awesome way to end your night camping and one of those tastes that can’t be replicated.

Gatherings

Our house was kind of like Grand Central station. My mom always said it was ok for my friends would come over. We would be hanging out, Austin napping on the couch after a long day’s work and my Dad would bring down some sort of crazy snack… while busting Jensen’s chops for leaking oil on the driveway.

During wrestling season, he would come to the matches with cayenne pepper popcorn to share with the Fitts family. He also knew Derrick and I were cutting weight so he would offer us a sandwich. We would say no, but then he would cut it in fourths so it didn’t look like much. You always ended up eating the whole thing, just in smaller bites after some resistance. He also made these amazing oatmeal, peanut butter, and chocolate bars. However, when I asked for them outside of the season, he replied ‘no way’. That they were way too fattening and he would gain weight.

Growing up and getting old. Sharing lots of meaningful moments over a lifetime.

Skiing and Golfing

Dad retired from CDOT when I was in high school and worked in the private sector some beyond that. I remember the day I called and he told me that work was getting in the way of his skiing and golfing.

He would call me at about 1:30 in the afternoon on a Tuesday or Wednesday throughout the winter. Hey, what’s up? He would ask. I’d reply with my annoyed (but not really annoyed) response of that of course I was working. He’d then tell me about the ski day at Loveland Basin. The snow conditions, how many runs he did, and which runs were the best. He loved his over 70-years-od, weekday-only ski pass. No one would be on the slopes. He would show up at 10:00 a.m. and be done by 1:00 p.m. Sometimes he could get 9 holes of golf in on the same day.

Embracing Technology

In the early 2000s, he became pretty computer savvy. I think his favorite thing about the internet was watching interactive weather maps across the world. He would compare how much rain he got in his rain gauge at the house with the rest of the city in real-time. He would always see how much snow the ski areas got on snowy days. Sometimes when I called, I would get the entire 5-day forecast (or a question about how to get the printer working again, or get digital camera photos to download, or get rid of a pop-up browser that wouldn’t go away).

However, he never really embraced the cell phone. He had one briefly, but it was used for outbound calls only. He would call you, leave a message, and then turn his phone off. I really don’t think he liked the idea of being that connected when he rather be enjoying the outdoors. There is probably a lesson for all of us here these days.

Caring

One day I called home when was in college and when he asked, ‘what’s up?’ I responded with, ‘The usual’. He then responded with ‘Ohh no what happened?’ The background is that I had a history of freak accidents (bonfire burns, car accidents, wounds needing stitches, being in a truck going off a cliff coming out of a car wash). He used to tell me that I had 9 lives and would sometimes count and recap the big accidents. I think he had them listed in a notebook.

But that’s the funny thing about dad. He would really get on you for the little things… like if you weren’t paying attention, or if you were half-assing something. But he was calm under pressure and when you were freaking out about the big things. At the end of the day, he was caring and supportive. Maybe it was after all of Steve’s broken bones or Karen’s crazy accidents. They broke him in. I had it pretty easy.

He also sort of had a sixth sense about trouble. Like the time he didn’t like the idea of my friends and I going up to Winter Park during spring break one year. The trip ended with us in a 22-car pileup on I-70. When you were scared or needed help, that is when his compassionate side came out. He stayed calm, logical, and matter-of-fact. You knew who you had to call when you were in trouble.

Authentic

My dad was known for being direct. I honestly don’t really recall any times that he waffled on opinions, or left things in doubt. To this day I find one of my core values is authenticity and I think that comes from my dad. He always showed up authentically. I honestly don’t think he knew how to do it any other way.

Same Side of the Table

My birds and the bees discussion occurred on a chair lift at Loveland. I had nowhere to go, just us, one-on-one. However, in a couple of minutes, we were going to be off the lift and skiing down the mountain, only to pick up a totally different conversation on the next chair. It was a genius approach. Thinking back, there were a lot of side-by-side conversations. Like hiking through the wilderness with 40-50 lbs backpacks or taking long drives and road trips. That was his approach when trying to connect with others.

Active and Engaged

My mom and dad were very active in our lives. For me, it was Panther football and baseball with Jamie, Scouts with Glasser and Doug, wrestling matches, trips up to CSU, or just hanging out at the house with the crew. Katie and I played in an adult ice hockey league and our games were late on Friday and Saturday nights. They would still drive up from Littleton to watch our games, but mostly to watch the girls when they came around. Our games really didn’t have that much action, but it was something to do and they had fun (except for the time my dad got hit in the face with an errant puck and lost a tooth). My 30-50-year-old teammates got a kick out of my parent’s still coming to rec. sports.

Vulnerable

As he battled Parkinson’s, he let his vulnerability show. He had to let the skiing, golfing, gardening, and driving go. He had to relinquish balancing the checkbook and scheduling car maintenance. He didn’t resist. He was logical. He did it with grace.

He still wanted to know what was up but had fewer stories about what he was able to do. The shared experiences were all told ton the past tense, but the long-term memories will not be forgotten.

Curiosity and Wonder

This past year or so, you could hear him wondering aloud about things and you would try and decipher them. You got a glimpse into his curious mind and longing for learning.

Are you thinking about the roads you designed?
Are you thinking about a family trip to Mississippi or Illinois?
Are you thinking about what to plant?
Are you making up a recipe for the veggies growing in the garden?
Are you thinking about baking a pie?

Thanks to my friend Jensen for taking the photo that we really think captures dad’s curiosity and wonder

Strength and Preparation

As we said goodbye to him last week, I don’t think that I will ever forget my mom telling him that it was ok to go. That he helped make her so strong and that she will be just fine with us by her side. She’s right, she is so strong and one tough cookie.

One of the last smiles that I got out of my dad was while we were watching a bronco game this season. I asked if he remembered mom yelling loudly at the Bronco games when they had season tickets. He looked at me with a grin and gave an affirming nod. One of his favorite stories to tell was how my mom would really give John Elway the business.

Keeping His Spirit with Me

So now as I go on moonlit walks around the neighborhood or hikes in the Rocky Mountains, I’ll probably look up to the sky and as ask, Hey dad, what’s up? It will give me a chance to think about all the good times we had. It will give me a chance to reflect if I am being the son he would want me.

Am I showing up authentically?
Am I helping take care of my mom and staying connected with my family?
Am I living up to my promise to be an engaged and supportive husband and father?
Am I being a good friend?

Maybe I’ll just listen to his advice on how to help solve my problems. He was really good at it!

I love you, dad, and we miss you.

So you wet the bed… now what?

Well, you just clean up and move on! Our daughter Maggie taught us this life lesson a couple of years when she about was 3-years-old. It may seem like an obvious insight. However, for someone that would let mistakes or failures bother them for a really long time, this has been a gamechanger for me as a parent and in my everyday mindset.

In reflecting back on how fatherhood has shaped how I try and show up these days, I think handling bedwetting may be one of the best.

Don’t let it fester

Is there a better word to describe it? “Fester”. What a word. Anyway, just like pee on a bed, letting your mistakes fester in your mind can be just as stinky. Failures can put me into a funk, (another great word) and I can let them bother me for hours, days, and weeks. I’m learning that the faster that I process them mentally and move on, the better.

Bouncing back quickly and showing resiliency comes naturally for some, while others of us really have to work on it. It is an incredible skill to put in your toolset and there sure are a lot of opportunities to work on it.

No room for blame or shame

The first time Maggie wet the bed, she was kind of freaked out and we weren’t exactly ready for it either (she was in our bed). It took some time to get her to relax and was she was really upset. However, when she did it again, it really wasn’t a big deal. That’s because we didn’t make it a big deal. Instead, we just quickly determined what kind of wipe down she needed based on the volume and magnitude and changed her pajamas. We quickly changed out the sheets and everyone got back to bed. We had the laundry going the next morning.

It’s the middle of the night, everyone is tired, and it can be frustrating. But it’s also a time to ensure that shaming as a parenting technique doesn’t surface. In her book Daring Greatly, Brene Brown writes. “I can say without hesitation that childhood experiences of shame change who we are, how we think about ourselves, and our sense of self-worth.” Just because a kid wets the bed doesn’t mean they are a bad kid. Just like you aren’t a bad person either for whatever accident or mistake that happened.

It Happens! So Own it

We can all be so hard on ourselves after making a mistake. What if we just stopped the snowballing thoughts swirling in our head and said out loud, “Yep, I wet the bed!”? This honest awareness and recognition will help us to move on quickly while giving ourselves some grace in the process. Whether it is an accident, a lapse of judgment, or failure, it’s just part of our growth.

In addition, it may even result in something to celebrate as we can learn new processes (like a routine before going to bed) or new warning signs (like noticeable uncomfortableness).

Prepare for the next time, because there will be a next time

Kids have been wetting the bed all over the world for a long time. The good news is that there are solutions for when does happen. We have waterproof covers underneath the sheets on their beds (including ours) to protect the mattresses. When it does, we can pull off the bedding and get it in the laundry in one swoop to be washed by the morning. We also ensure that we go potty before bed. We put in precautions and literal safety blankets because it is bound to happen again.

Just like so many of our other endeavors in life, we know there will be mistakes. So let’s use our experience and wisdom to put things in place so when we make mistakes (which is going to happen) so that we can recover quickly and get on with where we want to go in life.

Someone else may have wet the bed… all the above applies

There is one more insight to take away from this blog. That our friends, family, and co-workers are going to wet the bed. (figuratively this time… but you never know). But when they do, think about how we can help them get cleaned up and back on track. They already feel embarrassed and ashamed so there is no need to pile on. It’s an opportunity to provide perspective and support.

The bed is wet. It happened. There is no going back in time to prevent this particular accident from happening. So let’s not waste any more energy on the past.

The irony is that when Maggie was 3-years-old, she used to carry around the book ‘Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff… And It’s All Small Stuff’, by Richard Carlson. If she only knew how enlightened she was and the lessons she was teaching her parents.

Nothing like a made bed (definitely better than a wet one)

Do you need more playfulness in your day?

Over the past year, I don’t think many of us have woke up in the morning or reflected on our day thinking about playfulness. It’s been so heavy. After spending some time recharging over the holidays, I had planned to publish this blog during the first week of January. But then like many of us, I became consumed and disheartened by the events at our Capitol. Touting the insights about playfulness didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel right.

However, I was reminded of how important playfulness and humor are to my day-to-day relationships and the impact they have on my daily attitude and psyche. How they help me be an energy giver rather than an energy vampire. How the littlest bit of playfulness can shift my attitude, even if it is just the latest Bernie Sanders mittens meme.

So I thought I would share a few insights around using playfulness. To lighten up in order to take it easy on ourselves, live in the moment, increase connection with others, and building stronger culture in our organizations.

Remembering Rule #6

Being playful doesn’t mean you don’t take your work, your passion, or any of the things that are important seriously. It also doesn’t mean that you are not working hard to achieve your goals. It doesn’t mean you lack empathy and don’t care about others. It doesn’t mean you don’t want positive change around our greatest social issues.

I recently spoke to a non-profit group on ‘my journey to being a contribution’ and mentioned rule #6. It’s from one of my favorite leadership books, The Art of Possibility. Rule #6 is simple… Don’t take yourself so damn seriously. It really resonated with the group and during the Q&A, I was asked for tips on how I keep from taking myself too seriously (I know, right!). In the end, I think my response could be summarized that it comes down to bringing in playfulness in how I interact with family, friends, and colleagues.

Playfulness Keeps You Present

Sometimes you just need to wear a flamingo suit to the table for a little fun

Playfulness is a great way to focus on the here and now and stay present for day-to-day moments. If you don’t’ believe me, follow a 4-year-old around for a day. They see the world in the way that it was meant to be seen. They recognize playfulness and can’t get enough of it. They are focused on what’s immediately in front of them and tuned into what gets a positive reaction. Kids can recognize our awkwardness, know what’s worth giggling about, and still know how to celebrate the simplest wins. They aren’t worried about the things they are doing tomorrow and are in the moment.

A few laughs with a witty friend helps let your guard down a bit and you can refocus your energy on what really matters. It’s almost like you purge yourself of the things that were nagging at you and that you were probably overexaggerating anyway. Playfulness also generates small talk and like my friend Derrick says, “if you can’t talk about the small things, you can’t talk about the big things”.

Playfulness Creates Connection

Our dog Buford showing off a little playfulness in the morning snow

Playful moments accelerate connection with others and help us to build rapport quickly and effectively. Sharing a smile is one of the most important communication tools we have as humans.

Even in times of social distancing, group texts, WhatsApp threads, and phone calls with friends and family can be full of dad jokes, inside jokes, and sarcastic banter. These simple communications go a long way for those that may be living alone or a long way from home. My friend Will recently said our thread has kept him going during this long pandemic. “Living alone is tough, and by nature, I tend to hibernate when stressed. Having y’all a few clicks of a keyboard away has really helped”.

Playfulness also doesn’t have to be a big production. Maybe it’s just watching your dog enjoy some time in the snow. Maybe it’s sharing your grandfathers’ favorite joke. Maybe it is reviving a story that shaped your identity with an old friend. Maybe it’s trying improv with a group of strangers (BTW, I highly recommended this one). Maybe it’s spending the time doing that one funny face and voice again for your kids that they can’t get enough of. Sharing a laugh with someone is priceless.

Playfulness Impacts Culture

When professional athletes retire, many of them say that they miss the time with teammates in the locker room and the dinners on the road trips more than the sport itself. Those were the times filled with playfulness, connection, and where they and established trust and friendship with each other. Most of us spend 8-10 hours a day with our colleagues at work, shouldn’t it be fun?

When leaders bring playfulness into the organizational environment it brings positivity. Employees feel there is space to form connections with each other. Playfulness brings out authenticity and helps make feel leaders are accessible (and human). It also contributes to releasing the pressure that can build in an environment and make it feels safer to take risks and show individuality. That organization maybe your own family.

Can’t think of where to bring more playfulness into your day? Just remember rule #6.

Yep, dental tools have been turned into a family card game. I’m sure someone was just being playful in the dentist’s office one day…

Am I the man that I was coached to be?

This time of year is always a period of deep reflection for me and this year, it feels deeper, heavier, and more significant. There isn’t a person in the world that’s not impacted by this global pandemic and all of us are experiencing our own personal wins and losses.

I’ve been reflecting on personal role models, their impact on me, and how I apply their lessons as I navigate mid-life with a young family.

One of those was role models was wrestling Coach Ray Barron. He wasn’t just one of mine, he positively impacted thousands of young men and women. We lost Coach in late October, and over the past few months, I have been reminded of the impact he had on his family, along with all the men (and women) across generations of 50 years of coaching.

So I’ve been thinking a lot about the lessons that I learned from Coach on and off the wrestling mat in an attempt to ensure that I am still living up as one of ‘Barron’s Boys’.

Showing UP

Be confident while maintaining humility
You can do it, but you have to believe in yourself first
Be willing to put in the work
Respect everyone. Parents, coaches, teammates, teachers, and your opponent
Your conduct is a reflection of the entire team (or family)
No one person is bigger than the sport (or any organization you take part in)
You are ultimately measured by your heart, not your trophies
Play to your strengths
Challenge yourself, but don’t beat yourself up
Dig deeper, you will find even more than you realized was there

Winning and losing

Win with class and lose with class
There is no better feeling than when you know you gave it your best
You always shake hands with your opponent
You can’t always control the outcome, but you can control how you respond
You can be upset you lost, but you can’t be a sore sport
Never blame the referees
The process matters more than the outcome

Being a Teammate

True companionship lasts forever
Celebrate others success and catch them if they fall
Inclusivity is natural when you sweat together for a common goal
You learn a lot about yourself carrying someone else up a flight of stairs or through other life challenges
Seasons are short, but memories carry on
Seize the opportunity to connect in meaningful ways
Embrace growing together, you will never regret it

Coach played a significant role in shaping life long friendships beyond the wresting mat

I’m sure there are so many additional lessons that others took away from their time with Coach. At the end of the day, when I look back at Coach Barron’s legacy, I think it is very simple. That he just cared.

Coach set up young men (and women) for success no matter where they were in their journey. He had a knack for identifying the kid that could use some confidence just by being part of the program. He helped the most talented reach their full potential to compete for championships. He could also humble those that needed it and transform them in the most positive way.

At the banquet at the end of the season, the seniors would gather at the front of the auditorium. We called it senior goodbyes. He would say some final words about each wrestler and he could never make it through the speeches without shedding tears. He had invested so much time into us as young men and his return on investment was our growth and character that we took into adulthood.

Now that our girls have entered school-aged years, I can see how important it is to consistently pass on all of those lessons that I mentioned above. It’s not always easy and it takes significant commitment. How do I model it, teach it, and celebrate it?

But what if I asked myself each morning, “Am I the man that I was coached to be?” Maybe that’s the right tactic going forward to help me reach my potential. I believe answering that question will shape my everyday intentions, decisions, and actions. Then I can take comfort in being content with the consequences and outcomes that fall into place.

You can read more awesome stories about Coach Barron, learn more about his impact, and support the scholarship in his name at the Ray Barron Strength and Honor Fund.

The only thing between my intentions and reality is me!

Leave it up to the Peloton instructor (Olivia Amato) to bring things full circle. I don’t remember her exact phrase, but when kicking off the 30-minute ride, she said something like, “turn your intentions into your reality.”

We all have our intentions. Some that we have vocalized and others that we keep just to ourselves. Some have been there for years and some that we have just discovered.

We dream about our intentions becoming a reality and it feels so good when they come true. Other times, life gets in the way and we put up barriers like, “if only…” in front of them.

Whether it’s getting in shape, showing up as we want to at work, being a good parent, or just maximizing our day; the only thing standing between our intentions and our realities are us. More specifically, the actions and decisions that we make on daily basis.

So when I reflect on the reality that I am visualizing, it’s going to take some focus. I have a lot of intentions, but do I really know which ones are the most important? Are there actions and behaviors that can support multiple intentions to reach my desired reality?

Although Olivia brought this to light today, I have a reminder on my desk that I got early on in my career at Accenture and sometimes I forget to look at it.

*(c.) 2006* Possibilate Ltd. www.workforceperformance.com

When our core values are in alignment with our intentions, promises, and our actions, dreams can become reality.

This is a great time of year to take a step back and reflect on your intentions. Are they grounded by your beliefs and core values? What are the promises you are making to yourself and others? Are your daily actions leading you to the reality you seek?

Who is making you better?

My friend Ryan called me out of the blue the other night. He wanted to share an insight that he had been thinking about since our conversation on my driveway a few days earlier. He had just stopped by to say hello and during our chat, I shared with him that I was in a creative workshop and practicing my writing and storytelling.

Ryan’s been showering me with a ton of encouragement over the past few months. He has been boosting my confidence to explore writing a book and to think about public speaking. I feel like I have my very own personal cheerleader. It’s pretty cool when your cheerleader is a 6′ 5” former Superbowl Champion with the Denver Broncos, best-selling author, national public speaker, Notre Dame Football color analyst, daily radio host, family man, and I could go on and on.

So what was his insight? That asking a question is the most effective way to engage an audience and deepen a connection with others. That our brain reacts much differently when someone asks us a question rather than telling us a story.

As we continued our conversation, it brought me back to a goal I had just set a few days earlier. To be a better listener. (Of course, my wife Katie has been asking for that to be on my goal list for the last 20 years.). But I want to learn how to listen in a way that helps me really ‘see’ others beyond the words they are saying. It’s one thing to ask someone a question, but the opportunity is lost if I’m really not listening to the answer.

Like all good insights, it was timely and a clear answer to a question that I have been pondering lately. Who is making you better?

Ryan never misses an opportunity to ask a good question. Sometimes I forget we are playing golf because he has me thinking about something in a way that hadn’t before.

In addition to Ryan, another person making me better is my life and leadership coach Margie. She turned me onto the book, the Proximity Principle, by Ken Coleman. In his book, Ken describes 5 types of people to help you obtain your dream job (a.k.a. those that make you better).

1. Professors: Teachers with the experience and skills to help you
2. Professionals: Masters with a mentality to be the best they can be
3. Mentors: Trustworthy guides that have done it and care about your success
4. Peers: Intentional connections with shared values, that are driven, and give you straight talk
5. Producers: Provide a network connections, resources, and make stuff happen

I love the framework and it’s a great book. I’m sure right now you can imagine people in your life that you can slot into each of those roles and I’m fortunate that a guy like Ryan can fill in multiple roles. In addition, this perspective also helps you see where you may need to find new people to fill in the gaps.

I also think you can expand on the list a bit if you think about this principle beyond looking for your dream job. What if you explore who is making you better across all of your pods. Not just work, but in your day-to-day life and in your community?

Your boss: I’m fortunate that I work for someone that believes in me. Sometimes more than I believe in myself. Am I listening?

Your friends and family: It’s so easy to think that those closest to you are ‘just saying that’ because they have to. That they tell you what you want to hear. But they have a front-row seat to the thing you call life and their feedback is essential. These are the ones that know your dreams, are by your side when you need it, push you to work harder, and celebrate your wins. Maybe they want you to ask more questions (I sure know our friend Candace does!) Do those closest to you know where you want to get better?

Your kids: Somedays I feel like my 4 and 6-years-olds are providing more insights to me on how to be a better person than I am teaching them. There is nothing like seeing the world through the eyes of a young child. How do we keep this zest for life as we get older?

Your inner monologue: The ‘person’ we talk to the most in our life is ourselves. Is your self-talk making you better?

Every so often, we may need to take stock of who we have in our lives that are making us better and helping us achieve our goals. If you are struggling to identify people in your life that can fill these roles, then now is the time to start seeking them out. If you already know who they are, let them know it and see how it can strengthen your relationship with them.

And of course, we all know there is another follow-up question that we must ask ourselves: Who am I making better?

I’ll be focusing on that one in the days ahead.

Rediscovering Connection at 14,000 ft.

Our beautiful home state of Colorado has 58 mountain peaks above 14,000 feet. Their magnificent rocky peaks peer out above the treeline, calling out and challenging hundreds of people to make an ascent to their summit year-round.

For most people, climbing a 14er is a symbolic accomplishment of strength and fortitude. For others, it is a bucket list item. While some even consider it a right of passage to live in our state, but I don’t really think that is theirs to judge.

Last week, after months of Coronavirus lockdowns, isolation, and some impatience, a few of my Leadership Denver Classmates and I decided it was time to get our groove on. Our minds and bodies craved an adventure. It was time to venture out and climb a 14er.

As we gathered really early in the brisk morning mountain air, it was a bit hazy from the wildfires nearby. The smoke was hovering in the valley below the peak in which we were going to climb. In addition to being outfitted in our best hiking gear, we were all equipped with a new piece of outdoor equipment, the facemask.

As we hiked single-file up the mountain, I was able to get caught up with the person directly in front and behind me. I got the latest scoop on plans for the school year, gym openings, small business challenges, the upcoming election, and roles in social impact causes.

So I did think we were going in costume, a bit of a misunderstanding. Therefore the hat.

Of course, we offset the heaviness with dad jokes, fart jokes, inside jokes, and some teasing when someone had to scurry off the trail to tinkle. After taking a break to catch our breath and rest our legs, we would start heading up the trail again. However, our order had changed and I now had a different person in front and in back of me allowing for more wonderful conversations to take place. Dang, I missed these guys (and gals).

The joy of summiting never gets old. We had some first-timers to share what it felt like to be on top of the world. Although hiking is an individual activity, it sure felt like we were a team. It’s such a unifying experience.

Our conversations on the way down the mountain seemed to be lighter. There is probably something to that with the anxiety of reaching the top of the mountain behind us. Maybe it’s mental. But we had to stay on our toes because going down seems to cause more discomfort and injuries than going up. (Especially after you have a Home Alone style wipeout on your daughter’s skateboard at 4:00 in the morning).

So in reflecting back on the hike (or as my classmate corrected me, the climb), the insight for me is simple. I needed this!

I needed to feel a connection beyond the web calls, phone calls, and e-mails.
I needed an outdoor adventure.
I needed a challenge.
I needed to be uncomfortable.
I needed the feeling of accomplishment.
I needed camaraderie.
I needed to laugh.
I needed my friends.
I needed 14,000 ft.

You know… that feeling when you are at the very top!
Mt. Bierstadt , Colorado (14,060 ft.)

How asking for help drives connection

One of the most incredible opportunities to increase connection with others is by asking for help. Whether it is a big thing or a little thing, our deepest bonds are with those that we are engaged with during a time of need.

Before life on the internet, you used books like this

I started thinking about this while we were packing up my parent’s house of almost 50 years as they downsize to something more comfortable. We came across the Better Homes & Gardens Handyman’s book, published in 1951. This gem has all sorts of awesome stuff and before Google and YouTube, this was the household resource for home repairs. (This also must have been where all that ‘dad’ knowledge came from… no wonder I never found it before.)

So why is it so hard to ask for help?

I’m sure there are many psychology papers written on it and that it’s rooted in fear of others thinking we are weak, incompetent, or just not smart. We constantly compare ourselves to others, especially our peers. There are probably some innate and learned behaviors involved.

New experiences may require a little help to get started, but then become so fulfilling

Ok, I honestly have no clue, but I think it starts early. Our 5-year-old’s favorite phrases right now are, “I got it”, “I can do it myself” and “I know!”. I love her independence, but I also want to encourage her to explore new experiences and undergo challenges that may be difficult at first. To see the value that seeking help getting started is a good thing. That asking for help opens up our worldview.

Ohh, and I know there aren’t any 5-year-olds reading this blog. This insight is for my fellow adults that seem to have more difficulty asking for help than children. We are the ones that actually know that we don’t have everything figured out, but are most reluctant to ask for help. I chuckle every time I think back my mindset early on in life that things got easier the older you got.

Fostering Connection

What I do know, is that the deepest and most meaningful connections in my life are with those that have helped me in my most difficult times and vice versa. There is a bond that takes place when you allow your vulnerability to shine with another human being.

Best Friend Brene Brown says in her book Daring Greatly,

Because sharing appropriately, with boundaries, means sharing with people with whom we’ve’ developed relationships that can bear the weight of our story. The result of this mutually respectful vulnerability in increased connection, trust and engagement.
Brene Brown

So this does highlight the need to first build the base relationship with someone first. But once that relationship has been established, it is through helping each other that true connection deepens.

Some considerations when asking for help

Take Pride in asking for help

A simple mindset shift that asking for help is an opportunity rather than something to avoid goes a really long way in shaping how you show up with others. I still find myself holding back sometimes to let others know I went to a therapist for anxiety. (But when you can’t get out of bed in the morning… I think the ask for help turned out to be a good idea.) However, when I do share, the response from others (usually privately) is really heartwarming. Exhibiting pride rather than shame goes a really long way. (Ohh, and it is usually with my professional colleagues that it seems to have the greatest impact.)

Have you noticed your own reaction when someone, who you see as confident and strong, asks for help? If you’re like me, a sense of admiration and calm set in. It seems like strong leaders and enlightened individuals are the ones least afraid to seek help.

Ask more than once

For some of us, asking for help is extremely difficult. It takes a lot of courage, involves sweaty palms, and comes out in broken sentences. We get the courage to ask for help and unfortunately, sometimes we don’t get an immediate response. Or maybe there is an initial response, but then didn’t hear back. This can be extremely discouraging. But remember, we all live such busy, always-on, and distracted lives. It’s not to take away from how important your need is, but the person you are asking is also juggling their own needs. However, when you ask again, it puts it back to the top of the pile, and the person may have already started thinking about how to help in the background. Ask again, it’s ok.

face-to-face makes a difference

“I sent at text.” Maybe it’s generational, but when someone says this in response to how they asked for help, it drives me bonkers. I’m surprised at how many really important requests for help are sent through texts. Maybe it works, allowing time for the other person to process a response. However, I feel that the real connection comes through facial expressions, looking at each other eye-to-eye, the tone in our voices, and the follow-up questions. Asking for help is a gateway to increase overall engagement with someone. It can be the start of something really awesome.

It’s trial and error anyway

I’m starting to believe that most of the ‘experts’ are only 80% sure on how to do something anyway. They have enough experience and a foundation to get started and then learn through a real-time trial and error process. Next time you are engaging with an ‘expert’ on something, watch closely to see how the outcome unfolds. You will most likely notice they are figuring it out as they go. The insight here is to not dismiss your ability due to a lack of experience. Once you get help with the basics, you’ll also be able to figure it out too.

People actually want to help

So this blog focused on asking for help, but I’m a firm believer that people also really want to be the help others. Once the relationship and connection take hold, an eagerness to support each other grows. Once you get the bug, you just want to keep going. Helping others scratches that itch of being part of something bigger than ourselves.

I’ll leave you with a couple of simple questions:

Is there an area in your life that you could ask someone for help?
Most importantly, is there someone in your life you could offer to help?

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

Father’s Day Reflections

With the combination of Father’s day and the Summer Solstice, I’ve been diving into reflections on how I approach fatherhood and raising two young girls at the age of 43.

I started thinking about it a few weeks ago when I received a homework assignment from Coach Margie. We’ve been focusing on future goals when she surprised me with a homework assignment to carve out some time to reflect on my dad’s health and how it is impacting me. My father is progressing through Parkinson’s disease and the effects are starting to be more and more pronounced.

My dad and nephew tying some fishing flies after dad received a couple of new stints for his heart on March 4th.

The timing of this exercise was in the midst of COVID-19 quarantines and stay at home orders. So I have had more time to reflect, as well as, more time to time at home with Katie and girls. (Side note: I got 12 hours a week back in my life working from home vs. commuting to work every day).

I honestly don’t know if I am done processing the question, but I thought I would share the reflections so far in this blog post and felt that Father’s Day was the perfect time to do it.

There are no more somedays

Katie and I got married really young and we were often asked about when we would have kids. Our go-to response became ‘someday’. Someday turned out to be 13 years and ‘someday’ became a bit of an inside joke.

However, there hasn’t been a better reminder to live every day to it’s fullest than to watch some very strong men in my life, including my father, go through aging and health challenges. It’s not just difficult on them, but those that support them as well. (I’ll dedicate another blog to SuperNani7 – a.k.a. my mom).

Watching my father lose the ability to do the things that he loves has been difficult. Skiing, golfing, gardening, and driving. I miss the conversations on the ski lift. We hear things all the time from older and wiser people in our lives. “They grow up so fast”, “life is short”, “It’s the little things that I miss”.

I’m pretty sure those wise people are telling us to make ‘someday’, today. Our days together are limited and you never know what lies ahead. Live life to the fullest now and don’t wait for someday.

Do you have any ‘somedays’?
Is there something that you can move from someday, to today?
What is holding you back?

Lesson from Daddy Boot Camp – Two Words

Engaged and Supportive. Those were the two words that I wrote down when the instructor at Daddy Boot camp asked us to jot down the two words we wanted our child to use describe us when they were older. It was a very powerful exercise.

Engaged as a father shows up in many different ways. Whether going on an adventure, playing a mean game of hot lava, or our Q&A game that results in the girls being tossed on the bed. (Katie doesn’t necessarily love when the engagement comes right before bedtime).

In addition, being engaged has progressed beyond just how I want to show up for the girls. I use it now as a guide to how I show up as a husband, friend, and family member. It has also become an anchor to how I want to show up with at work as an employee and the culture that I want to foster. I’m finding more and more opportunities to engage with my community and the ‘Dad Pool’.

Supportive. Over the past 6 years, I think I have been more in tune with the engagement word than the supportive word. In my head, the supportive aspect would come when they were older. (Like that wonderful 12-15 year-old-period that I hear so much about). Being there after they encounter challenges at school, their first break-up, going to college, etc.

Lately, I’ve been examining what supportive looks like now. How do I balance being supportive, but not coddling? Building the right level of independence, mental toughness, appreciation for failures, and exploring their own interests. I’m finding it is kind of easy to coddle your kids. The current strategy is to surround the girls with strong women role models for the world ahead. To embrace the exploration of new places and different people. I think we all will grow in this area.

Are there two words that you want others to use to describe you?
Are those characteristics showing up on a daily basis?
Are there pods in your life that those two words can show up more?

Just be a better man

More gratitude, more empathy, less judgment, and be present. Those are some of the things that pop in my head when I think about being a better man. Is it really that simple?

I happened to listen to the song, Better Man, by Judah and the Lion on my walk with our dog Buford this morning and this was the last verse that caught my attention:

Oh my hands to serve and love
My eyes to see and not to judge
My spirit now to rise within
And reign over my carnal skin

I have come so far from my days of being extremely work-focused, over-worked, and in my own head. I still have work to do and have been using gratitude and empathy in my toolkit to make progress. I explored this a bit in a previous blog when my dad turned 80.

I know that I show up better each day if I try and stay present. It’s a sad reality, but my life is already half-over. The time is now to double down on how I spend the rest of my time here on earth. I feel that I have more to offer this world, my family, my friends, and people I haven’t even met yet.

What does looking like a better man or woman look like to you?
What are you waiting for?

Lastly, below is a 3-minute video that I recorded yesterday on a morning walk. I woke up thinking about my core values, and the word engagement kept surfacing. I guess it makes sense based on what I shared above. However, I think I am just starting to explore what it means for ‘engagement’ to be a core value a bit deeper. Stay tuned…

Insights from the ‘Dad Pool’

I’d like to introduce you to the ‘Dad Pool’. We started out as 4 guys paired up based on where we lived to carpool to a Leadership Denver retreat last September. The first thing we realized that we had in common was that we were all fathers. Over the past 10 months, we have contributed to each other’s growth, while supporting each other during some of the most dynamic times in our history.

Top right: Me
Top left: Jon Woods
Bottom Left: Corey Edwards
Bottom Right: Ryan Harris

In this blog, I want to share some insights and observations from the Dad Pool that I think you can leverage for your own pods.

Build a Foundation of Trust

Like all new relationships, you have to start somewhere. The Dad Pool was no different. We started with small talk over sports, family, fatherhood, day jobs, and the legitimacy of boneless buffalo wings. It provided us insight into each other’s perspective and how our world views were formed. My friend Derrick summarized it for me this week, “If you can’t talk about the little things, you won’t be able to talk about the big things.” (We have been close friends for almost 30 years, growing together from boys going through puberty to becoming middle-aged men… that is so painful to say).

So as our Dad Pool relationships grew through experiences and everyday encouragement, the discussions shifted from the little things to big things. We were able to engage in conversations on race, poverty, policy, and other critical topics during a global pandemic because we had built a foundation of trust with each other. We are in a place that allowed us to see each other, hear each other, and help each other grow.

In a recent discussion on racial realities among 60+ people, I definitely got a bit defensive. I’m not proud of it and I’m also on a growth journey. I felt deflated, misunderstood, and disconnected. However, the Dad Pool was amongst the first ones to extend their hands and help me back on my feet. We had built up enough trust and they know what’s deep in my heart and my intent. We move on together!

Seize any opportunity to Connect

Corey had a major commitment on the first day of the retreat and was going to miss a big portion. I think that most people would have just skipped the retreat altogether (it was 3 hours away). However, Corey had the foresight to know the value of a long road trip in a car with dudes he didn’t know that well. He got up early and jumped in the carpool, only to turnaround and drive back as soon as we unloaded the car and said a few hellos to others. (Props to Ryan to let him take his truck for the day, we definitely didn’t know each other’s driving records yet). We didn’t see Corey again until the end of the night but felt so connected from our ride down earlier in the day. The next day after the retreat, we had another 3 hours to keep building and strengthening our foundation.

I often hear from many people that are longing for deeper connections with others. I believe there are opportunities that arise daily across a number of your pods to connect. Whether it’s at work, among friends and family, or even organized meetups. However, it is so easy to talk yourself out being the one to make the first call, going to an event alone, or jumping in the carpool. There are many opportunities to make a deeper connection with others that we don’t take advantage of. What does it look like to seize your next opportunity to choose connection over the daily grind?

Save my Life

This week was so intense, as the world addresses race inequality and displays another rallying cry for change. To get some fresh air, the Dad Pool arranged a ‘golf’ outing (I put golf in quotes because it was really just an opportunity for us to connect in person… we didn’t even keep score). It was on this walk around the course when Corey looked me in the eyes and said, “save my life”. It’s a moment that I will never forget and the conversation was about the role white people will have in racial equality. It was powerful and meaningful. It was also something that could not have been said if we hadn’t built a foundation of trust and deep connection (see the two insights above).

BELIEVING we can CHANGE THE WORLD

Ryan signs off every one of his e-mails his with “Let’s change the world”. He is not just throwing out an aspiration, he means it. Every conversation we have, whether it is in person, over the phone, or one of his signature video chats, he inspires me to be my best self. His positivity is contagious and he has unbelievable skills in boosting confidence and belief in yourself. He follows through. I’ll get a random link to something that relates to a dream I shared or an invitation to a learning opportunity related to one of my goals. Ryan knows the power of belief and teamwork. As a member of a Superbowl winning team, author of the book Mindset for Mastery, radio host, and public speaker. After a conversation with Ryan, you believe that you can actually change the world.

“Let’s change the world” four words to approach each and every day.

Dynamic Times Require Dynamic Responses

Throughout the COVID-19 stay at home orders, Jon has been modeling what I will call the 3 A’s. Agility, Adjust, and Adapt. I’ve been watching Jon experience the feelings of both flourishing and frustration under the new ways we found ourselves working. However, Jon constantly tweaks how he is balancing work and life activities and to get the structure that he wants in his day. He doesn’t accept the status quo and he is quick to take action.

I’m not ready to call our experience over the past 3 months the ‘new normal’, but it is very clear that we are going to have to be quicker to adapt to the external environment and figure out how to contribute and be productive (while remaining sane).

Dad jokes, fart jokes, TikToc Videos

We live in heavy times and laughter is so important in keeping us balanced and healthy. The Dad Pool is a constant reminder of Rule #6 from the book, The Art of Possibility. Rule #6 is to not take ourselves so damn seriously. Especially during these times, humor helps us reset and recharge. It helps us feel more connected as we take on the challenging task of changing the world.

So… although this blog is about the insights that I have gained from the Dad Pool in my own personal growth regarding engaging in growth and embracing change. The most valuable lesson is the importance of instilling them in our girls as they grow up. Being a dad is one of the most important roles that I have right now, and I’ll be leaning on the Dad Pool for continued guidance and insights.

P.S. Below is a short video exploring that in order to engage in change, we must establish a foundation of trust. (Insight #1 in this blog)