With the combination of Father’s day and the Summer Solstice, I’ve been diving into reflections on how I approach fatherhood and raising two young girls at the age of 43.
I started thinking about it a few weeks ago when I received a homework assignment from Coach Margie. We’ve been focusing on future goals when she surprised me with a homework assignment to carve out some time to reflect on my dad’s health and how it is impacting me. My father is progressing through Parkinson’s disease and the effects are starting to be more and more pronounced.
The timing of this exercise was in the midst of COVID-19 quarantines and stay at home orders. So I have had more time to reflect, as well as, more time to time at home with Katie and girls. (Side note: I got 12 hours a week back in my life working from home vs. commuting to work every day).
I honestly don’t know if I am done processing the question, but I thought I would share the reflections so far in this blog post and felt that Father’s Day was the perfect time to do it.
There are no more somedays
Katie and I got married really young and we were often asked about when we would have kids. Our go-to response became ‘someday’. Someday turned out to be 13 years and ‘someday’ became a bit of an inside joke.
However, there hasn’t been a better reminder to live every day to it’s fullest than to watch some very strong men in my life, including my father, go through aging and health challenges. It’s not just difficult on them, but those that support them as well. (I’ll dedicate another blog to SuperNani7 – a.k.a. my mom).
Watching my father lose the ability to do the things that he loves has been difficult. Skiing, golfing, gardening, and driving. I miss the conversations on the ski lift. We hear things all the time from older and wiser people in our lives. “They grow up so fast”, “life is short”, “It’s the little things that I miss”.
I’m pretty sure those wise people are telling us to make ‘someday’, today. Our days together are limited and you never know what lies ahead. Live life to the fullest now and don’t wait for someday.
- Do you have any ‘somedays’?
- Is there something that you can move from someday, to today?
- What is holding you back?
Lesson from Daddy Boot Camp – Two Words
Engaged and Supportive. Those were the two words that I wrote down when the instructor at Daddy Boot camp asked us to jot down the two words we wanted our child to use describe us when they were older. It was a very powerful exercise.
Engaged as a father shows up in many different ways. Whether going on an adventure, playing a mean game of hot lava, or our Q&A game that results in the girls being tossed on the bed. (Katie doesn’t necessarily love when the engagement comes right before bedtime).
In addition, being engaged has progressed beyond just how I want to show up for the girls. I use it now as a guide to how I show up as a husband, friend, and family member. It has also become an anchor to how I want to show up with at work as an employee and the culture that I want to foster. I’m finding more and more opportunities to engage with my community and the ‘Dad Pool’.
Supportive. Over the past 6 years, I think I have been more in tune with the engagement word than the supportive word. In my head, the supportive aspect would come when they were older. (Like that wonderful 12-15 year-old-period that I hear so much about). Being there after they encounter challenges at school, their first break-up, going to college, etc.
Lately, I’ve been examining what supportive looks like now. How do I balance being supportive, but not coddling? Building the right level of independence, mental toughness, appreciation for failures, and exploring their own interests. I’m finding it is kind of easy to coddle your kids. The current strategy is to surround the girls with strong women role models for the world ahead. To embrace the exploration of new places and different people. I think we all will grow in this area.
- Are there two words that you want others to use to describe you?
- Are those characteristics showing up on a daily basis?
- Are there pods in your life that those two words can show up more?
Just be a better man
More gratitude, more empathy, less judgment, and be present. Those are some of the things that pop in my head when I think about being a better man. Is it really that simple?
I happened to listen to the song, Better Man, by Judah and the Lion on my walk with our dog Buford this morning and this was the last verse that caught my attention:
Oh my hands to serve and love
My eyes to see and not to judge
My spirit now to rise within
And reign over my carnal skin
I have come so far from my days of being extremely work-focused, over-worked, and in my own head. I still have work to do and have been using gratitude and empathy in my toolkit to make progress. I explored this a bit in a previous blog when my dad turned 80.
I know that I show up better each day if I try and stay present. It’s a sad reality, but my life is already half-over. The time is now to double down on how I spend the rest of my time here on earth. I feel that I have more to offer this world, my family, my friends, and people I haven’t even met yet.
- What does looking like a better man or woman look like to you?
- What are you waiting for?
Lastly, below is a 3-minute video that I recorded yesterday on a morning walk. I woke up thinking about my core values, and the word engagement kept surfacing. I guess it makes sense based on what I shared above. However, I think I am just starting to explore what it means for ‘engagement’ to be a core value a bit deeper. Stay tuned…
