@friends – Mixing Pods

“Hey Dad, What’s Up?”

That was our typical greeting. An open-ended question. Most of the time I think he was curious, but sometimes I think he wanted to help solve a problem. There was plenty of both over the years.

Since I am the baby of the family with a large ‘afterthought’ gap between my siblings, so many of my memories of my dad are from when he was in his 50s, 60s, and 70s.

In writing up a eulogy for his vigil earlier this month, I just kept reflecting on the various conversations and experiences over our lifetimes. As a kid, they were very active and later in life centered around conversations and answering the question ‘what’s up?’

In the Garden

I’m pretty sure my dad would keep voting in favor of daylight savings time. I remember him being in the garden until at least 8 or 9 p.m. throughout the summer, while I jumped on the trampoline asking him to check out my tricks.

As a young kid, I asked for a red wagon for Christmas. I’m really not sure if it was really my idea or part of his master plan. Because once I got it, I had to haul vegetables to all the neighbors in the fall. This wasn’t your typical suburban garden, it was huge and included all the vegetables that you can find in your local produce section in the store. You disappear on the corn husks like in a scene from Field of Dreams.

In the Kitchen

He loved to cook, making it up based on what he had available. He always cooked from scratch and nothing went to waste in the house. (He would remind us of his humble roots and be grateful for the food on the table.) We always had leftovers… which were either combined with something else for the meal the following day or in a Tupperware container in the fridge. I could always count on my friend Ryan Fowler to come over and eat the leftovers.

On Boy Scout outings with Glasser and Doug, after long days of adventure, he would make his famous peach cobbler in a Dutch oven over the hot coals once the fire had burned down. It was an awesome way to end your night camping and one of those tastes that can’t be replicated.

Gatherings

Our house was kind of like Grand Central station. My mom always said it was ok for my friends would come over. We would be hanging out, Austin napping on the couch after a long day’s work and my Dad would bring down some sort of crazy snack… while busting Jensen’s chops for leaking oil on the driveway.

During wrestling season, he would come to the matches with cayenne pepper popcorn to share with the Fitts family. He also knew Derrick and I were cutting weight so he would offer us a sandwich. We would say no, but then he would cut it in fourths so it didn’t look like much. You always ended up eating the whole thing, just in smaller bites after some resistance. He also made these amazing oatmeal, peanut butter, and chocolate bars. However, when I asked for them outside of the season, he replied ‘no way’. That they were way too fattening and he would gain weight.

Growing up and getting old. Sharing lots of meaningful moments over a lifetime.

Skiing and Golfing

Dad retired from CDOT when I was in high school and worked in the private sector some beyond that. I remember the day I called and he told me that work was getting in the way of his skiing and golfing.

He would call me at about 1:30 in the afternoon on a Tuesday or Wednesday throughout the winter. Hey, what’s up? He would ask. I’d reply with my annoyed (but not really annoyed) response of that of course I was working. He’d then tell me about the ski day at Loveland Basin. The snow conditions, how many runs he did, and which runs were the best. He loved his over 70-years-od, weekday-only ski pass. No one would be on the slopes. He would show up at 10:00 a.m. and be done by 1:00 p.m. Sometimes he could get 9 holes of golf in on the same day.

Embracing Technology

In the early 2000s, he became pretty computer savvy. I think his favorite thing about the internet was watching interactive weather maps across the world. He would compare how much rain he got in his rain gauge at the house with the rest of the city in real-time. He would always see how much snow the ski areas got on snowy days. Sometimes when I called, I would get the entire 5-day forecast (or a question about how to get the printer working again, or get digital camera photos to download, or get rid of a pop-up browser that wouldn’t go away).

However, he never really embraced the cell phone. He had one briefly, but it was used for outbound calls only. He would call you, leave a message, and then turn his phone off. I really don’t think he liked the idea of being that connected when he rather be enjoying the outdoors. There is probably a lesson for all of us here these days.

Caring

One day I called home when was in college and when he asked, ‘what’s up?’ I responded with, ‘The usual’. He then responded with ‘Ohh no what happened?’ The background is that I had a history of freak accidents (bonfire burns, car accidents, wounds needing stitches, being in a truck going off a cliff coming out of a car wash). He used to tell me that I had 9 lives and would sometimes count and recap the big accidents. I think he had them listed in a notebook.

But that’s the funny thing about dad. He would really get on you for the little things… like if you weren’t paying attention, or if you were half-assing something. But he was calm under pressure and when you were freaking out about the big things. At the end of the day, he was caring and supportive. Maybe it was after all of Steve’s broken bones or Karen’s crazy accidents. They broke him in. I had it pretty easy.

He also sort of had a sixth sense about trouble. Like the time he didn’t like the idea of my friends and I going up to Winter Park during spring break one year. The trip ended with us in a 22-car pileup on I-70. When you were scared or needed help, that is when his compassionate side came out. He stayed calm, logical, and matter-of-fact. You knew who you had to call when you were in trouble.

Authentic

My dad was known for being direct. I honestly don’t really recall any times that he waffled on opinions, or left things in doubt. To this day I find one of my core values is authenticity and I think that comes from my dad. He always showed up authentically. I honestly don’t think he knew how to do it any other way.

Same Side of the Table

My birds and the bees discussion occurred on a chair lift at Loveland. I had nowhere to go, just us, one-on-one. However, in a couple of minutes, we were going to be off the lift and skiing down the mountain, only to pick up a totally different conversation on the next chair. It was a genius approach. Thinking back, there were a lot of side-by-side conversations. Like hiking through the wilderness with 40-50 lbs backpacks or taking long drives and road trips. That was his approach when trying to connect with others.

Active and Engaged

My mom and dad were very active in our lives. For me, it was Panther football and baseball with Jamie, Scouts with Glasser and Doug, wrestling matches, trips up to CSU, or just hanging out at the house with the crew. Katie and I played in an adult ice hockey league and our games were late on Friday and Saturday nights. They would still drive up from Littleton to watch our games, but mostly to watch the girls when they came around. Our games really didn’t have that much action, but it was something to do and they had fun (except for the time my dad got hit in the face with an errant puck and lost a tooth). My 30-50-year-old teammates got a kick out of my parent’s still coming to rec. sports.

Vulnerable

As he battled Parkinson’s, he let his vulnerability show. He had to let the skiing, golfing, gardening, and driving go. He had to relinquish balancing the checkbook and scheduling car maintenance. He didn’t resist. He was logical. He did it with grace.

He still wanted to know what was up but had fewer stories about what he was able to do. The shared experiences were all told ton the past tense, but the long-term memories will not be forgotten.

Curiosity and Wonder

This past year or so, you could hear him wondering aloud about things and you would try and decipher them. You got a glimpse into his curious mind and longing for learning.

Are you thinking about the roads you designed?
Are you thinking about a family trip to Mississippi or Illinois?
Are you thinking about what to plant?
Are you making up a recipe for the veggies growing in the garden?
Are you thinking about baking a pie?

Thanks to my friend Jensen for taking the photo that we really think captures dad’s curiosity and wonder

Strength and Preparation

As we said goodbye to him last week, I don’t think that I will ever forget my mom telling him that it was ok to go. That he helped make her so strong and that she will be just fine with us by her side. She’s right, she is so strong and one tough cookie.

One of the last smiles that I got out of my dad was while we were watching a bronco game this season. I asked if he remembered mom yelling loudly at the Bronco games when they had season tickets. He looked at me with a grin and gave an affirming nod. One of his favorite stories to tell was how my mom would really give John Elway the business.

Keeping His Spirit with Me

So now as I go on moonlit walks around the neighborhood or hikes in the Rocky Mountains, I’ll probably look up to the sky and as ask, Hey dad, what’s up? It will give me a chance to think about all the good times we had. It will give me a chance to reflect if I am being the son he would want me.

Am I showing up authentically?
Am I helping take care of my mom and staying connected with my family?
Am I living up to my promise to be an engaged and supportive husband and father?
Am I being a good friend?

Maybe I’ll just listen to his advice on how to help solve my problems. He was really good at it!

I love you, dad, and we miss you.

Who is making you better?

My friend Ryan called me out of the blue the other night. He wanted to share an insight that he had been thinking about since our conversation on my driveway a few days earlier. He had just stopped by to say hello and during our chat, I shared with him that I was in a creative workshop and practicing my writing and storytelling.

Ryan’s been showering me with a ton of encouragement over the past few months. He has been boosting my confidence to explore writing a book and to think about public speaking. I feel like I have my very own personal cheerleader. It’s pretty cool when your cheerleader is a 6′ 5” former Superbowl Champion with the Denver Broncos, best-selling author, national public speaker, Notre Dame Football color analyst, daily radio host, family man, and I could go on and on.

So what was his insight? That asking a question is the most effective way to engage an audience and deepen a connection with others. That our brain reacts much differently when someone asks us a question rather than telling us a story.

As we continued our conversation, it brought me back to a goal I had just set a few days earlier. To be a better listener. (Of course, my wife Katie has been asking for that to be on my goal list for the last 20 years.). But I want to learn how to listen in a way that helps me really ‘see’ others beyond the words they are saying. It’s one thing to ask someone a question, but the opportunity is lost if I’m really not listening to the answer.

Like all good insights, it was timely and a clear answer to a question that I have been pondering lately. Who is making you better?

Ryan never misses an opportunity to ask a good question. Sometimes I forget we are playing golf because he has me thinking about something in a way that hadn’t before.

In addition to Ryan, another person making me better is my life and leadership coach Margie. She turned me onto the book, the Proximity Principle, by Ken Coleman. In his book, Ken describes 5 types of people to help you obtain your dream job (a.k.a. those that make you better).

1. Professors: Teachers with the experience and skills to help you
2. Professionals: Masters with a mentality to be the best they can be
3. Mentors: Trustworthy guides that have done it and care about your success
4. Peers: Intentional connections with shared values, that are driven, and give you straight talk
5. Producers: Provide a network connections, resources, and make stuff happen

I love the framework and it’s a great book. I’m sure right now you can imagine people in your life that you can slot into each of those roles and I’m fortunate that a guy like Ryan can fill in multiple roles. In addition, this perspective also helps you see where you may need to find new people to fill in the gaps.

I also think you can expand on the list a bit if you think about this principle beyond looking for your dream job. What if you explore who is making you better across all of your pods. Not just work, but in your day-to-day life and in your community?

Your boss: I’m fortunate that I work for someone that believes in me. Sometimes more than I believe in myself. Am I listening?

Your friends and family: It’s so easy to think that those closest to you are ‘just saying that’ because they have to. That they tell you what you want to hear. But they have a front-row seat to the thing you call life and their feedback is essential. These are the ones that know your dreams, are by your side when you need it, push you to work harder, and celebrate your wins. Maybe they want you to ask more questions (I sure know our friend Candace does!) Do those closest to you know where you want to get better?

Your kids: Somedays I feel like my 4 and 6-years-olds are providing more insights to me on how to be a better person than I am teaching them. There is nothing like seeing the world through the eyes of a young child. How do we keep this zest for life as we get older?

Your inner monologue: The ‘person’ we talk to the most in our life is ourselves. Is your self-talk making you better?

Every so often, we may need to take stock of who we have in our lives that are making us better and helping us achieve our goals. If you are struggling to identify people in your life that can fill these roles, then now is the time to start seeking them out. If you already know who they are, let them know it and see how it can strengthen your relationship with them.

And of course, we all know there is another follow-up question that we must ask ourselves: Who am I making better?

I’ll be focusing on that one in the days ahead.

Rediscovering Connection at 14,000 ft.

Our beautiful home state of Colorado has 58 mountain peaks above 14,000 feet. Their magnificent rocky peaks peer out above the treeline, calling out and challenging hundreds of people to make an ascent to their summit year-round.

For most people, climbing a 14er is a symbolic accomplishment of strength and fortitude. For others, it is a bucket list item. While some even consider it a right of passage to live in our state, but I don’t really think that is theirs to judge.

Last week, after months of Coronavirus lockdowns, isolation, and some impatience, a few of my Leadership Denver Classmates and I decided it was time to get our groove on. Our minds and bodies craved an adventure. It was time to venture out and climb a 14er.

As we gathered really early in the brisk morning mountain air, it was a bit hazy from the wildfires nearby. The smoke was hovering in the valley below the peak in which we were going to climb. In addition to being outfitted in our best hiking gear, we were all equipped with a new piece of outdoor equipment, the facemask.

As we hiked single-file up the mountain, I was able to get caught up with the person directly in front and behind me. I got the latest scoop on plans for the school year, gym openings, small business challenges, the upcoming election, and roles in social impact causes.

So I did think we were going in costume, a bit of a misunderstanding. Therefore the hat.

Of course, we offset the heaviness with dad jokes, fart jokes, inside jokes, and some teasing when someone had to scurry off the trail to tinkle. After taking a break to catch our breath and rest our legs, we would start heading up the trail again. However, our order had changed and I now had a different person in front and in back of me allowing for more wonderful conversations to take place. Dang, I missed these guys (and gals).

The joy of summiting never gets old. We had some first-timers to share what it felt like to be on top of the world. Although hiking is an individual activity, it sure felt like we were a team. It’s such a unifying experience.

Our conversations on the way down the mountain seemed to be lighter. There is probably something to that with the anxiety of reaching the top of the mountain behind us. Maybe it’s mental. But we had to stay on our toes because going down seems to cause more discomfort and injuries than going up. (Especially after you have a Home Alone style wipeout on your daughter’s skateboard at 4:00 in the morning).

So in reflecting back on the hike (or as my classmate corrected me, the climb), the insight for me is simple. I needed this!

I needed to feel a connection beyond the web calls, phone calls, and e-mails.
I needed an outdoor adventure.
I needed a challenge.
I needed to be uncomfortable.
I needed the feeling of accomplishment.
I needed camaraderie.
I needed to laugh.
I needed my friends.
I needed 14,000 ft.

You know… that feeling when you are at the very top!
Mt. Bierstadt , Colorado (14,060 ft.)

How asking for help drives connection

One of the most incredible opportunities to increase connection with others is by asking for help. Whether it is a big thing or a little thing, our deepest bonds are with those that we are engaged with during a time of need.

Before life on the internet, you used books like this

I started thinking about this while we were packing up my parent’s house of almost 50 years as they downsize to something more comfortable. We came across the Better Homes & Gardens Handyman’s book, published in 1951. This gem has all sorts of awesome stuff and before Google and YouTube, this was the household resource for home repairs. (This also must have been where all that ‘dad’ knowledge came from… no wonder I never found it before.)

So why is it so hard to ask for help?

I’m sure there are many psychology papers written on it and that it’s rooted in fear of others thinking we are weak, incompetent, or just not smart. We constantly compare ourselves to others, especially our peers. There are probably some innate and learned behaviors involved.

New experiences may require a little help to get started, but then become so fulfilling

Ok, I honestly have no clue, but I think it starts early. Our 5-year-old’s favorite phrases right now are, “I got it”, “I can do it myself” and “I know!”. I love her independence, but I also want to encourage her to explore new experiences and undergo challenges that may be difficult at first. To see the value that seeking help getting started is a good thing. That asking for help opens up our worldview.

Ohh, and I know there aren’t any 5-year-olds reading this blog. This insight is for my fellow adults that seem to have more difficulty asking for help than children. We are the ones that actually know that we don’t have everything figured out, but are most reluctant to ask for help. I chuckle every time I think back my mindset early on in life that things got easier the older you got.

Fostering Connection

What I do know, is that the deepest and most meaningful connections in my life are with those that have helped me in my most difficult times and vice versa. There is a bond that takes place when you allow your vulnerability to shine with another human being.

Best Friend Brene Brown says in her book Daring Greatly,

Because sharing appropriately, with boundaries, means sharing with people with whom we’ve’ developed relationships that can bear the weight of our story. The result of this mutually respectful vulnerability in increased connection, trust and engagement.
Brene Brown

So this does highlight the need to first build the base relationship with someone first. But once that relationship has been established, it is through helping each other that true connection deepens.

Some considerations when asking for help

Take Pride in asking for help

A simple mindset shift that asking for help is an opportunity rather than something to avoid goes a really long way in shaping how you show up with others. I still find myself holding back sometimes to let others know I went to a therapist for anxiety. (But when you can’t get out of bed in the morning… I think the ask for help turned out to be a good idea.) However, when I do share, the response from others (usually privately) is really heartwarming. Exhibiting pride rather than shame goes a really long way. (Ohh, and it is usually with my professional colleagues that it seems to have the greatest impact.)

Have you noticed your own reaction when someone, who you see as confident and strong, asks for help? If you’re like me, a sense of admiration and calm set in. It seems like strong leaders and enlightened individuals are the ones least afraid to seek help.

Ask more than once

For some of us, asking for help is extremely difficult. It takes a lot of courage, involves sweaty palms, and comes out in broken sentences. We get the courage to ask for help and unfortunately, sometimes we don’t get an immediate response. Or maybe there is an initial response, but then didn’t hear back. This can be extremely discouraging. But remember, we all live such busy, always-on, and distracted lives. It’s not to take away from how important your need is, but the person you are asking is also juggling their own needs. However, when you ask again, it puts it back to the top of the pile, and the person may have already started thinking about how to help in the background. Ask again, it’s ok.

face-to-face makes a difference

“I sent at text.” Maybe it’s generational, but when someone says this in response to how they asked for help, it drives me bonkers. I’m surprised at how many really important requests for help are sent through texts. Maybe it works, allowing time for the other person to process a response. However, I feel that the real connection comes through facial expressions, looking at each other eye-to-eye, the tone in our voices, and the follow-up questions. Asking for help is a gateway to increase overall engagement with someone. It can be the start of something really awesome.

It’s trial and error anyway

I’m starting to believe that most of the ‘experts’ are only 80% sure on how to do something anyway. They have enough experience and a foundation to get started and then learn through a real-time trial and error process. Next time you are engaging with an ‘expert’ on something, watch closely to see how the outcome unfolds. You will most likely notice they are figuring it out as they go. The insight here is to not dismiss your ability due to a lack of experience. Once you get help with the basics, you’ll also be able to figure it out too.

People actually want to help

So this blog focused on asking for help, but I’m a firm believer that people also really want to be the help others. Once the relationship and connection take hold, an eagerness to support each other grows. Once you get the bug, you just want to keep going. Helping others scratches that itch of being part of something bigger than ourselves.

I’ll leave you with a couple of simple questions:

Is there an area in your life that you could ask someone for help?
Most importantly, is there someone in your life you could offer to help?

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

Insights from the ‘Dad Pool’

I’d like to introduce you to the ‘Dad Pool’. We started out as 4 guys paired up based on where we lived to carpool to a Leadership Denver retreat last September. The first thing we realized that we had in common was that we were all fathers. Over the past 10 months, we have contributed to each other’s growth, while supporting each other during some of the most dynamic times in our history.

Top right: Me
Top left: Jon Woods
Bottom Left: Corey Edwards
Bottom Right: Ryan Harris

In this blog, I want to share some insights and observations from the Dad Pool that I think you can leverage for your own pods.

Build a Foundation of Trust

Like all new relationships, you have to start somewhere. The Dad Pool was no different. We started with small talk over sports, family, fatherhood, day jobs, and the legitimacy of boneless buffalo wings. It provided us insight into each other’s perspective and how our world views were formed. My friend Derrick summarized it for me this week, “If you can’t talk about the little things, you won’t be able to talk about the big things.” (We have been close friends for almost 30 years, growing together from boys going through puberty to becoming middle-aged men… that is so painful to say).

So as our Dad Pool relationships grew through experiences and everyday encouragement, the discussions shifted from the little things to big things. We were able to engage in conversations on race, poverty, policy, and other critical topics during a global pandemic because we had built a foundation of trust with each other. We are in a place that allowed us to see each other, hear each other, and help each other grow.

In a recent discussion on racial realities among 60+ people, I definitely got a bit defensive. I’m not proud of it and I’m also on a growth journey. I felt deflated, misunderstood, and disconnected. However, the Dad Pool was amongst the first ones to extend their hands and help me back on my feet. We had built up enough trust and they know what’s deep in my heart and my intent. We move on together!

Seize any opportunity to Connect

Corey had a major commitment on the first day of the retreat and was going to miss a big portion. I think that most people would have just skipped the retreat altogether (it was 3 hours away). However, Corey had the foresight to know the value of a long road trip in a car with dudes he didn’t know that well. He got up early and jumped in the carpool, only to turnaround and drive back as soon as we unloaded the car and said a few hellos to others. (Props to Ryan to let him take his truck for the day, we definitely didn’t know each other’s driving records yet). We didn’t see Corey again until the end of the night but felt so connected from our ride down earlier in the day. The next day after the retreat, we had another 3 hours to keep building and strengthening our foundation.

I often hear from many people that are longing for deeper connections with others. I believe there are opportunities that arise daily across a number of your pods to connect. Whether it’s at work, among friends and family, or even organized meetups. However, it is so easy to talk yourself out being the one to make the first call, going to an event alone, or jumping in the carpool. There are many opportunities to make a deeper connection with others that we don’t take advantage of. What does it look like to seize your next opportunity to choose connection over the daily grind?

Save my Life

This week was so intense, as the world addresses race inequality and displays another rallying cry for change. To get some fresh air, the Dad Pool arranged a ‘golf’ outing (I put golf in quotes because it was really just an opportunity for us to connect in person… we didn’t even keep score). It was on this walk around the course when Corey looked me in the eyes and said, “save my life”. It’s a moment that I will never forget and the conversation was about the role white people will have in racial equality. It was powerful and meaningful. It was also something that could not have been said if we hadn’t built a foundation of trust and deep connection (see the two insights above).

BELIEVING we can CHANGE THE WORLD

Ryan signs off every one of his e-mails his with “Let’s change the world”. He is not just throwing out an aspiration, he means it. Every conversation we have, whether it is in person, over the phone, or one of his signature video chats, he inspires me to be my best self. His positivity is contagious and he has unbelievable skills in boosting confidence and belief in yourself. He follows through. I’ll get a random link to something that relates to a dream I shared or an invitation to a learning opportunity related to one of my goals. Ryan knows the power of belief and teamwork. As a member of a Superbowl winning team, author of the book Mindset for Mastery, radio host, and public speaker. After a conversation with Ryan, you believe that you can actually change the world.

“Let’s change the world” four words to approach each and every day.

Dynamic Times Require Dynamic Responses

Throughout the COVID-19 stay at home orders, Jon has been modeling what I will call the 3 A’s. Agility, Adjust, and Adapt. I’ve been watching Jon experience the feelings of both flourishing and frustration under the new ways we found ourselves working. However, Jon constantly tweaks how he is balancing work and life activities and to get the structure that he wants in his day. He doesn’t accept the status quo and he is quick to take action.

I’m not ready to call our experience over the past 3 months the ‘new normal’, but it is very clear that we are going to have to be quicker to adapt to the external environment and figure out how to contribute and be productive (while remaining sane).

Dad jokes, fart jokes, TikToc Videos

We live in heavy times and laughter is so important in keeping us balanced and healthy. The Dad Pool is a constant reminder of Rule #6 from the book, The Art of Possibility. Rule #6 is to not take ourselves so damn seriously. Especially during these times, humor helps us reset and recharge. It helps us feel more connected as we take on the challenging task of changing the world.

So… although this blog is about the insights that I have gained from the Dad Pool in my own personal growth regarding engaging in growth and embracing change. The most valuable lesson is the importance of instilling them in our girls as they grow up. Being a dad is one of the most important roles that I have right now, and I’ll be leaning on the Dad Pool for continued guidance and insights.

P.S. Below is a short video exploring that in order to engage in change, we must establish a foundation of trust. (Insight #1 in this blog)

3-42-80… and everything in-between

3-42-80. No, that is not my locker combination. Those are the ages of my youngest daughter, me, and my father. A span of 77 years across 3 generations and right now, I am trying to successfully navigate all of them.

There really isn’t a much better example of mixing pods. Balancing work and life (3 generations of it), while trying to achieve personal and professional goals. I’m striving to be an engaged husband and father, level up in my career, and ensure my parents are getting the support they need. Sometimes it feels like it’s a gravy train of transitions with one leading into the other and I never an opportunity to settle in. I’m starting to see why people gain weight in their 40s (don’t worry, my diet starts tomorrow).

This blog is about sharing insights and there are plenty of those to go around. Although, there are times that I have more questions than insights.

Parenting

Our girls are 3 and 5-years-old. These are super fun ages. Maggie has embraced learning to read, write, and do math in kindergarten. Addie is learning that you have to keep your hands and your lips to yourself in pre-school (no kissing in the playhouse!) It’s amazing to watch them learn so much about our world and remind us that there is nothing cooler than seeing things for the first time.

It also turns on the internal monologue and I start asking myself questions.

Am I staying present?
What is the right amount of discipline?
How do I not wind them up at night before bed? (It just happens)
How do we not coddle our kids and allow them to learn by trial and error?
Will I make it through ages 13 and 14? (Can’t wait to see those blogs!)
How do I ensure we have a lifelong relationship?

I learned from watching the Pixar movie, ‘Inside Out’, that there are core memories and I want to make them good ones. Looking back at some of my favorite core memories as a kid, they weren’t architected, they just happened.

Adulting

Parenting, working, husbanding, friending, mentoring, communitying… It seems like every day is jammed packed. I am so fortunate that Katie is an awesome partner and we continue to grow together, rather than apart as we approach 20 years of marriage. I attribute this to our support of each other across all of our pods. However, that doesn’t mean that I’m not constantly wondering,

Am I living up to my role as a husband?
Do I have more to contribute to my community?
Am I fostering important connections and friendships?
Am I living up to my potential professionally?
Am I actually being the leader that I desire to be?
How could I make a bigger impact?

Every day, it feels like I have to re-learn that time is our most valuable resource. (Yep, even at age 42). I’m grateful for the moments that I use time as an amazing asset. I can also get frustrated by my mismanagement of it, regretting the opportunity costs associated with some of my decisions. Prioritization should be easy… right? As explored in another blog about this time last year, is it over committing or under prioritizing?

Aging

We spend a lot of time and energy preparing for our golden years in the physical and financial sense. But I’ve realized there is a gap in how we prepare for the toll aging takes on our mentality. Giving up some of our most beloved activities like skiing and golfing, to more common daily activities like driving and yard work. We spend decades building up our confidence and ‘being the rock’, which makes it difficult when you can’t do the things that made you, you. My parents did an awesome job planning for their future over the years, but it definitely has me exploring new questions?

Am I showing the right amount of empathy?
What does this transition look like?
Am I ensuring enough time with their grandchildren?
Am I doing enough for our own retirement and post-retirement planning?
Am I carving out time for my siblings, in-laws, and extended family?
Do I really understand how fast time really goes?

I’m not trying to turn this blog into the song, Cat’s in the Cradle by Harry Chapin. However, I’m hoping that just like that song and others like it, it provides space to take stock of our priorities. (I apologize now for that song ringing in your head for the next 12 or so hours)

Ok… So maybe there are a few insights?

When I take a step back and look at 3-42-80, maybe it is a combination to unlocking great insights. Maybe this is where that whole wisdom vs. knowledge thing shows up in life.

Being present should never be understated
Knowing thyself is a lifelong journey
Life is complicated and gray, not black and white
If it feels like you are over-analyzing, you probably are
Don’t take yourself so seriously
Participate and contribute (not someday, today!)
Find your crew, tribe, and confidants

Honestly, none of these insights are new and have been shared for ages. It’s the application in our daily lives that makes them real. For me, 3-42-80 means that I can go from teaching ABCs to presenting to corporate executives, to discussing long-term care… all before 10:00 a.m.

It makes me laugh when I look back and thought that life got easier the older you got. Wisdom!

“You are not a f***ing squirrel!”

That is what one of my best friends told me over 10 years ago when I was in desperate need of perspective. I was overworked, overwhelmed, and felt like a zombie from a lack of sleep and poor self-care. I was so deep in my own head that I didn’t know how to be present. (I think we call it mindfulness today). He provided the right words at the right time that changed how I approach work and life.

I’ve been thinking back on that time a lot lately and since this is the time of year that I reflect on the past and begin setting goals and plans for the next. I sort of take personal planning and goal setting to the next level (as Katie rolls her eyes) and I can’t believe 2020 is here already.

So for some background on the squirrel, it goes all the way back to 2003. The White Stripes released an album called Elephant, which included a song named Little Acorns. The song starts with a narrator speaking over a piano, telling a story about a girl named Janet that was overwhelmed by multiple problems in her life. One day, she saw a squirrel gathering acorns for the winter and it inspired her. If that squirrel can take care of itself for the winter by gathering acorns one at a time, so could she by attacking her problems one at a time. The song then gets jamming with a guitar riff and eventually includes the line “be like the squirrel, girl!”

A few years later, I was on a large post-merger integration project and was traveling every week. I was in a stretch role and I was super stressed. This wasn’t unusual for me, I tended to be quite uptight early in my career as I thought it was my responsibility to get engaged and solve every challenge that surfaced. But during this time, the stress really got to me and it impacted how I showed up in all aspects of my life. My anxiety was through the roof and I was had gotten into a serious funk. I wore it 24/7. Katie was supportive and helped me seek out professional help.

Katie doesn’t always share my taste in music, but she sent me a quick text one day. It read, “be like the…” and then she attached a picture of a squirrel. I thought it was great and I made the squirrel photo my phone wallpaper to keep as a reminder.

**Be like the squirrel (or don’t!)**

Photo By Cephas – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=9645363

A few weeks later, one of my best friends, Austin, took me out to a movie to try and get me to laugh and just be a bit goofy (I think we went to Dukes of Hazard). Austin was dealing with his own stuff and although our problems weren’t the same, he understood the complexity of mental health.

I had taken my phone from my pocket in the lobby to check a text. Austin looked over and asked why I had a squirrel as my wallpaper? I told him the story and we went watch the movie.

Three days later, Austin called me up and said, “Dude, you know that I love Katie, (he has known her since we met in 1997), but you are not a f***ing squirrel!” He paused (for effect to ensure it stuck) and then continued by saying that ever since he had met me (we had known each other since the 5th grade and became very close in high school), that I was never a squirrel. That I always had a lot on my plate and that I needed to have a lot going on. There wasn’t a reason to be like the squirrel, it’s not how I was wired. He was telling me that this wasn’t a time to survive, it was a time to thrive!

His words had an immediate impact and my mind quickly went through a paradigm shift. I remember feeling the tension release in my shoulders and I stopped clenching my jaw. The pressure valve had released.

I began ’embracing the chaos’. I accepted that there were a lot of balls in the air rather than freaking out about which one was going to fall to the ground first. I felt more comfortable navigating ‘everything is a priority’ environments by stepping back by doing my best on what I can control and accepting the rest.

The conversation provided significant insight into a mindset that I have been applying in the years since. It keeps me engaged today as I balance the demands of family, fatherhood, work, and volunteering. There are definitely puts and takes, but I can definitely feel the difference when I am playing offense instead of defense. (I couldn’t resist a sports analogy).

Anyway, I still love jamming out to the song (give it a listen here). Sure it helps me keep perspective, but mainly because it brings back the memories of a caring wife and a best friend.

“I get by with a little help from my friends”

For the past two weeks, the Beatles song, With A Little Help from My Friends, has been running through my head on repeat.

I think it surfaced while I was planning to celebrate another birthday this past week. (Plus, I’m pretty sure I haven’t watched any episodes of the Wonder Years on Nick at Nite.)

The song comes with great memories. Katie put it on a mixtape for me when she went to Indonesia for the summer in 1998 (yes, a mixtape). I wore the tape out listening to our handful of songs that had their own meaning and inside jokes. This one made it on the list because Katie knew early on how important close friendships were to me.

Anyway, I was super excited to get together with some of my closest friends that definitely provided me more than a little help over the years.

To hold me accountable to my core values
To make me run when I want to walk
To listen, but to call me out when it is just bitching and moaning
To help me dream about the future and ask, ‘why not?’
To reminisce about the past in order to strengthen our connection
To make the world feel smaller and my significance feel bigger
To make memories by thinking big or keeping it small
To keep me from taking myself too seriously
To serve as role models
To provide energy through laughter (at each other’s expense)
To remind me that I’m not a squirrel (a story for another blog)

But I think the most significant insight that has surfaced over the past couple of weeks is not how do I get by with a little help from my friends, but how do I focus on helping others get by, with a little help from me. I think I have room to grow by giving more to others.

I talked this through out loud last week when I was fortunate to be a guest on Candace’s Everyday Joy radio show. She asked, “If you could go back in time and share advice to the 20-year-old Tony, what would I tell myself ?” My response was to be more humble based on the realization over time that life gets more complex as you get older. I don’t know what fantasy land I was living in 1999, but for some reason, I don’t think I realized how much support I was going to need from friends and family over the past 20 years and now going forward.

This birthday served as a great reminder to thank those that help you get by and to think about how you help others along the way in their journey.

I get by with a little help from these friends!

And the award goes too…

The Academy Awards are tonight and it will complete the awards season for all of the music and movies releases last year. I honestly don’t really watch the awards shows. I can’t put my finger on it, but it all sort of bothers me and I think that discomfort is what generated this week’s insight.

So, I thought I would hand out Mixing Pods awards of my own (the Tony awards are already taken).

Best Supporting Family Member

To my wife Katie. She is an incredible mom, sister, daughter, niece, friend, coach, and of course wife. She is beautiful inside and out and is truly the soul of our family. She has been so supportive of my goals and interests (and allows me to put stuff out on this blog), and the ability to explore new opportunities. She has great vision, a sense of adventure, and is a comedian at heart.

Best Kiss

This year the award goes to Addie, who discovered mistletoe over the holidays. Taking this 2-year old under the mistletoe triggered the most wonderful giggles and then she would lay one on you. She is so affectionate that it makes your heart melt.

Addie snuggles are the best and her mistletoe kisses are amazing

Best Musical Number

After dinner family dance parties. Addie is was a big fan of ‘Baby Shark’ and ‘Let it Go’, while Maggie shows off her moves to ’24 Karat Magic’ (family friendly mix) and ‘Happy’. Based on the repeat requests shouted at Alexa, I think we probably overloaded Amazon’s algorithms and skewed the popularity of these songs. I hope we can keep these jam sessions going as the girls get older.

Best Late Night Comedy

Right about the time we are settling things down for bed, Maggie gets into a goofball zone and this 4-year old says the funniest things. She ends up pulling in dad and her little sister, which mom doesn’t appreciate very much. After the shenanigans, we usually settle in for a Midnight Feast (Maggie’s phrase for a late night snack), which usually involves a bowl of cereal with two girls and a dad. We are always way past bedtime!

Got to do it now before they get too big!

Best Mentoring Moment

My boss and friend Brian. At the end of last year, I was taking a hard look at my career plan. I had just let some of my thoughts flow freely into our performance management tool. The next day, I had a recurring weekly meeting on my calendar to explore my career. It wasn’t to talk about the client account or how to grow our business, just about me. Brian showed he was truly invested in my future success and a lesson that I plan to pass on to others.

Best Rescue Drama

This was probably the Westminster Fire Department when they had to come out and get our dog Buford out of the icy pond when he went after the geese. They operated quickly and had him out in no time. (Also, thank you to the Police Department for not giving me a ticket!)

Best Comeback

I think this one goes to my friend Derrick, who was at a crossroads a couple of years ago in life. He chose to be honest with himself, get things on track, and chose to forge a path forward. It’s been great to be a part of and witness the transformation. There is great power in someone that can do this sucessfully.

Creative Inspiration

Our friend Candace is in full tilt creativity mode around a new calling to spread joy and explore her art. We use our time in traffic to connect about life, ask meaningful questions, and help the other person grow.

The Cast and Crew.

The most important award and that is why it is last (like Best Picture). We are so fortunate to have wonderful and close-knit families. Parents that support us and love their grandchildren. Aunts that take an active role in life-shaping experiences with the girls. Brothers that are always drumming up adventures. Cousins that make family events feel like family. Friends that might as well just be called family.

The insight from today’s blog is that is the those most deserving of your recognition, attention, and gratitude are those close to you. These are the ones that are shaping your life and the ones you are influencing what happens on this earth more than you may even know sometimes.

Life is good. Take a minute and look across all of your pods and thank those that make a difference for you everyday.

Who is in your corner… or on your chairlift?

I went skiing today with a couple of my closest long time friends. It has been years since we have hit the slopes together and I think my favorite parts of the day were the rides up the mountain on the chairlift. It gave us a chance to catch up with each other and pick up right where we left off.

Throughout the day we reminisced about the old days, what’s going on in our lives today, and shared some of our goals for the future. I was reminded about how these guys have been in my corner for years, sharing life experiences and supporting me when I needed it.

Chairlifts and Conversations

A ride on the chairlift enables you to be totally present, actively listening to those with you, while you are looking over beautiful terrain. It has to be one of the best places to have a conversation. It also requires you to stay to the point and gives you an exit since you must dismount at the end the ride.

Looking back, the chairlift has always been an important place in my life. Skiing was one of the family activities that we did with my father I’ll cherish all of the great conversations we had on the long rides up the mountain. Of course there were the awkward ones, like when I was kid and he fulfilled his obligation to talk to me about the birds and the bees. I was stuck there, nowhere to run and hide.

I spend hours talking with my brother-in-law (much younger than me) about his transitions from high school to college to the real world. I also had him pinned down with no where to run.

These 10-15 minute spurts of time with friends and family (and sometimes alone with my thoughts) have been some of the most important moments in my life.

Taking it in with Mike and Derrick
Derrick and his selfies