Engagement – Mixing Pods

One of the most incredible opportunities to increase connection with others is by asking for help. Whether it is a big thing or a little thing, our deepest bonds are with those that we are engaged with during a time of need.

Before life on the internet, you used books like this

I started thinking about this while we were packing up my parent’s house of almost 50 years as they downsize to something more comfortable. We came across the Better Homes & Gardens Handyman’s book, published in 1951. This gem has all sorts of awesome stuff and before Google and YouTube, this was the household resource for home repairs. (This also must have been where all that ‘dad’ knowledge came from… no wonder I never found it before.)

So why is it so hard to ask for help?

I’m sure there are many psychology papers written on it and that it’s rooted in fear of others thinking we are weak, incompetent, or just not smart. We constantly compare ourselves to others, especially our peers. There are probably some innate and learned behaviors involved.

New experiences may require a little help to get started, but then become so fulfilling

Ok, I honestly have no clue, but I think it starts early. Our 5-year-old’s favorite phrases right now are, “I got it”, “I can do it myself” and “I know!”. I love her independence, but I also want to encourage her to explore new experiences and undergo challenges that may be difficult at first. To see the value that seeking help getting started is a good thing. That asking for help opens up our worldview.

Ohh, and I know there aren’t any 5-year-olds reading this blog. This insight is for my fellow adults that seem to have more difficulty asking for help than children. We are the ones that actually know that we don’t have everything figured out, but are most reluctant to ask for help. I chuckle every time I think back my mindset early on in life that things got easier the older you got.

Fostering Connection

What I do know, is that the deepest and most meaningful connections in my life are with those that have helped me in my most difficult times and vice versa. There is a bond that takes place when you allow your vulnerability to shine with another human being.

Best Friend Brene Brown says in her book Daring Greatly,

Because sharing appropriately, with boundaries, means sharing with people with whom we’ve’ developed relationships that can bear the weight of our story. The result of this mutually respectful vulnerability in increased connection, trust and engagement.
Brene Brown

So this does highlight the need to first build the base relationship with someone first. But once that relationship has been established, it is through helping each other that true connection deepens.

Some considerations when asking for help

Take Pride in asking for help

A simple mindset shift that asking for help is an opportunity rather than something to avoid goes a really long way in shaping how you show up with others. I still find myself holding back sometimes to let others know I went to a therapist for anxiety. (But when you can’t get out of bed in the morning… I think the ask for help turned out to be a good idea.) However, when I do share, the response from others (usually privately) is really heartwarming. Exhibiting pride rather than shame goes a really long way. (Ohh, and it is usually with my professional colleagues that it seems to have the greatest impact.)

Have you noticed your own reaction when someone, who you see as confident and strong, asks for help? If you’re like me, a sense of admiration and calm set in. It seems like strong leaders and enlightened individuals are the ones least afraid to seek help.

Ask more than once

For some of us, asking for help is extremely difficult. It takes a lot of courage, involves sweaty palms, and comes out in broken sentences. We get the courage to ask for help and unfortunately, sometimes we don’t get an immediate response. Or maybe there is an initial response, but then didn’t hear back. This can be extremely discouraging. But remember, we all live such busy, always-on, and distracted lives. It’s not to take away from how important your need is, but the person you are asking is also juggling their own needs. However, when you ask again, it puts it back to the top of the pile, and the person may have already started thinking about how to help in the background. Ask again, it’s ok.

face-to-face makes a difference

“I sent at text.” Maybe it’s generational, but when someone says this in response to how they asked for help, it drives me bonkers. I’m surprised at how many really important requests for help are sent through texts. Maybe it works, allowing time for the other person to process a response. However, I feel that the real connection comes through facial expressions, looking at each other eye-to-eye, the tone in our voices, and the follow-up questions. Asking for help is a gateway to increase overall engagement with someone. It can be the start of something really awesome.

It’s trial and error anyway

I’m starting to believe that most of the ‘experts’ are only 80% sure on how to do something anyway. They have enough experience and a foundation to get started and then learn through a real-time trial and error process. Next time you are engaging with an ‘expert’ on something, watch closely to see how the outcome unfolds. You will most likely notice they are figuring it out as they go. The insight here is to not dismiss your ability due to a lack of experience. Once you get help with the basics, you’ll also be able to figure it out too.

People actually want to help

So this blog focused on asking for help, but I’m a firm believer that people also really want to be the help others. Once the relationship and connection take hold, an eagerness to support each other grows. Once you get the bug, you just want to keep going. Helping others scratches that itch of being part of something bigger than ourselves.

I’ll leave you with a couple of simple questions:

Is there an area in your life that you could ask someone for help?
Most importantly, is there someone in your life you could offer to help?

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

This is the sister blog (if that is a thing) to my Perficient Blog (What is the one word that will define success in 2019!) In that blog, I tied this concept to business strategy and operating model metrics. However, since Jensen makes fun of me for using business speak in the ‘friends pods’, I thought I would tailor this to be much more personal.

I have definitely been in a transitional phase over the past couple of years, making a significant move from being work-centered to family-centered. I think this phase was at its peak towards the end of 2016. Maggie was 2 years-old, and Addie was born that September. It’s not that I was I was a dead beat dad or husband, but I was still getting used to staying present and focused on the family throughout the evening. I used to put in a lot of time in the evenings making sure all of my client and firm deliverables were completed to my satisfaction. I was finding myself gasping at the end of the night when I looked at the clock and realized how tired I was. Things had changed.

Over that Thanksgiving, I read Angela Duckworth’s book Grit, the Power of Passion and Perseverance. She talks about how to build grit and the need for an “ultimate concern”, which is a supreme goal that is so meaningful to you that it provides structure and discipline to everything you do. She described a method for gaining focus by listing 25 goals, circling the top 5 and avoiding all others at all costs, while discovering themes. Her hierarchical approach of rolling up low level and mid level goals to the ultimate concern really resonated with me.

At the time, all of my goals and the ultimate concern at the top of my hierarchy ended up bringing out the word ‘engaged’. I covered my four goal categories in the blog a couple of days ago, Why having fun will be my top work goal in 2019! I could assess everything that I was doing in every aspect to my life in that moment to the word engaged. The best part is that I could quickly get back on track if I found myself not being present or missing an opportunity if necessary.

It started off being something to focus me on work/life balance and being engaged with the kids. But I also found that I was using it to assess if I was engaged with my work, team members, and clients.

I think this approach is way more productive than doing New Year’s resolutions. So I recommend taking some time to think about it. Lay out your goals and see what theme surfaces and the one word that sums it up. There is no right or wrong word, you just have to describe a meaningful word to you. A word that describes how you want to show up every day. Then do it! Everything else will fall into place.

This year, my word is ‘commitment’. I’ve signed up to do a lot and I have some ambitious goals. I’m going to need some serious commitment and discipline to maintain the right balance and get the results that I’m striving to achieve. I’ll need some help. It’s important to engage others in this so that they can be in your corner, help you stay focused, and keep you accountable (not to be confused with judging).

So what will your word be:

Creativity?
Kindness?
Focus?
Discipline?

You may have one for work, one for your family, or it can all be the same. But at the end of the day, it’s kind of like the “one thing” that Curly is referencing in the 1991 movie, City Slickers. It’s your one word.

Tag: Engagement

How asking for help drives connection