@life – Mixing Pods

“Hey Dad, What’s Up?”

That was our typical greeting. An open-ended question. Most of the time I think he was curious, but sometimes I think he wanted to help solve a problem. There was plenty of both over the years.

Since I am the baby of the family with a large ‘afterthought’ gap between my siblings, so many of my memories of my dad are from when he was in his 50s, 60s, and 70s.

In writing up a eulogy for his vigil earlier this month, I just kept reflecting on the various conversations and experiences over our lifetimes. As a kid, they were very active and later in life centered around conversations and answering the question ‘what’s up?’

In the Garden

I’m pretty sure my dad would keep voting in favor of daylight savings time. I remember him being in the garden until at least 8 or 9 p.m. throughout the summer, while I jumped on the trampoline asking him to check out my tricks.

As a young kid, I asked for a red wagon for Christmas. I’m really not sure if it was really my idea or part of his master plan. Because once I got it, I had to haul vegetables to all the neighbors in the fall. This wasn’t your typical suburban garden, it was huge and included all the vegetables that you can find in your local produce section in the store. You disappear on the corn husks like in a scene from Field of Dreams.

In the Kitchen

He loved to cook, making it up based on what he had available. He always cooked from scratch and nothing went to waste in the house. (He would remind us of his humble roots and be grateful for the food on the table.) We always had leftovers… which were either combined with something else for the meal the following day or in a Tupperware container in the fridge. I could always count on my friend Ryan Fowler to come over and eat the leftovers.

On Boy Scout outings with Glasser and Doug, after long days of adventure, he would make his famous peach cobbler in a Dutch oven over the hot coals once the fire had burned down. It was an awesome way to end your night camping and one of those tastes that can’t be replicated.

Gatherings

Our house was kind of like Grand Central station. My mom always said it was ok for my friends would come over. We would be hanging out, Austin napping on the couch after a long day’s work and my Dad would bring down some sort of crazy snack… while busting Jensen’s chops for leaking oil on the driveway.

During wrestling season, he would come to the matches with cayenne pepper popcorn to share with the Fitts family. He also knew Derrick and I were cutting weight so he would offer us a sandwich. We would say no, but then he would cut it in fourths so it didn’t look like much. You always ended up eating the whole thing, just in smaller bites after some resistance. He also made these amazing oatmeal, peanut butter, and chocolate bars. However, when I asked for them outside of the season, he replied ‘no way’. That they were way too fattening and he would gain weight.

Growing up and getting old. Sharing lots of meaningful moments over a lifetime.

Skiing and Golfing

Dad retired from CDOT when I was in high school and worked in the private sector some beyond that. I remember the day I called and he told me that work was getting in the way of his skiing and golfing.

He would call me at about 1:30 in the afternoon on a Tuesday or Wednesday throughout the winter. Hey, what’s up? He would ask. I’d reply with my annoyed (but not really annoyed) response of that of course I was working. He’d then tell me about the ski day at Loveland Basin. The snow conditions, how many runs he did, and which runs were the best. He loved his over 70-years-od, weekday-only ski pass. No one would be on the slopes. He would show up at 10:00 a.m. and be done by 1:00 p.m. Sometimes he could get 9 holes of golf in on the same day.

Embracing Technology

In the early 2000s, he became pretty computer savvy. I think his favorite thing about the internet was watching interactive weather maps across the world. He would compare how much rain he got in his rain gauge at the house with the rest of the city in real-time. He would always see how much snow the ski areas got on snowy days. Sometimes when I called, I would get the entire 5-day forecast (or a question about how to get the printer working again, or get digital camera photos to download, or get rid of a pop-up browser that wouldn’t go away).

However, he never really embraced the cell phone. He had one briefly, but it was used for outbound calls only. He would call you, leave a message, and then turn his phone off. I really don’t think he liked the idea of being that connected when he rather be enjoying the outdoors. There is probably a lesson for all of us here these days.

Caring

One day I called home when was in college and when he asked, ‘what’s up?’ I responded with, ‘The usual’. He then responded with ‘Ohh no what happened?’ The background is that I had a history of freak accidents (bonfire burns, car accidents, wounds needing stitches, being in a truck going off a cliff coming out of a car wash). He used to tell me that I had 9 lives and would sometimes count and recap the big accidents. I think he had them listed in a notebook.

But that’s the funny thing about dad. He would really get on you for the little things… like if you weren’t paying attention, or if you were half-assing something. But he was calm under pressure and when you were freaking out about the big things. At the end of the day, he was caring and supportive. Maybe it was after all of Steve’s broken bones or Karen’s crazy accidents. They broke him in. I had it pretty easy.

He also sort of had a sixth sense about trouble. Like the time he didn’t like the idea of my friends and I going up to Winter Park during spring break one year. The trip ended with us in a 22-car pileup on I-70. When you were scared or needed help, that is when his compassionate side came out. He stayed calm, logical, and matter-of-fact. You knew who you had to call when you were in trouble.

Authentic

My dad was known for being direct. I honestly don’t really recall any times that he waffled on opinions, or left things in doubt. To this day I find one of my core values is authenticity and I think that comes from my dad. He always showed up authentically. I honestly don’t think he knew how to do it any other way.

Same Side of the Table

My birds and the bees discussion occurred on a chair lift at Loveland. I had nowhere to go, just us, one-on-one. However, in a couple of minutes, we were going to be off the lift and skiing down the mountain, only to pick up a totally different conversation on the next chair. It was a genius approach. Thinking back, there were a lot of side-by-side conversations. Like hiking through the wilderness with 40-50 lbs backpacks or taking long drives and road trips. That was his approach when trying to connect with others.

Active and Engaged

My mom and dad were very active in our lives. For me, it was Panther football and baseball with Jamie, Scouts with Glasser and Doug, wrestling matches, trips up to CSU, or just hanging out at the house with the crew. Katie and I played in an adult ice hockey league and our games were late on Friday and Saturday nights. They would still drive up from Littleton to watch our games, but mostly to watch the girls when they came around. Our games really didn’t have that much action, but it was something to do and they had fun (except for the time my dad got hit in the face with an errant puck and lost a tooth). My 30-50-year-old teammates got a kick out of my parent’s still coming to rec. sports.

Vulnerable

As he battled Parkinson’s, he let his vulnerability show. He had to let the skiing, golfing, gardening, and driving go. He had to relinquish balancing the checkbook and scheduling car maintenance. He didn’t resist. He was logical. He did it with grace.

He still wanted to know what was up but had fewer stories about what he was able to do. The shared experiences were all told ton the past tense, but the long-term memories will not be forgotten.

Curiosity and Wonder

This past year or so, you could hear him wondering aloud about things and you would try and decipher them. You got a glimpse into his curious mind and longing for learning.

Are you thinking about the roads you designed?
Are you thinking about a family trip to Mississippi or Illinois?
Are you thinking about what to plant?
Are you making up a recipe for the veggies growing in the garden?
Are you thinking about baking a pie?

Thanks to my friend Jensen for taking the photo that we really think captures dad’s curiosity and wonder

Strength and Preparation

As we said goodbye to him last week, I don’t think that I will ever forget my mom telling him that it was ok to go. That he helped make her so strong and that she will be just fine with us by her side. She’s right, she is so strong and one tough cookie.

One of the last smiles that I got out of my dad was while we were watching a bronco game this season. I asked if he remembered mom yelling loudly at the Bronco games when they had season tickets. He looked at me with a grin and gave an affirming nod. One of his favorite stories to tell was how my mom would really give John Elway the business.

Keeping His Spirit with Me

So now as I go on moonlit walks around the neighborhood or hikes in the Rocky Mountains, I’ll probably look up to the sky and as ask, Hey dad, what’s up? It will give me a chance to think about all the good times we had. It will give me a chance to reflect if I am being the son he would want me.

Am I showing up authentically?
Am I helping take care of my mom and staying connected with my family?
Am I living up to my promise to be an engaged and supportive husband and father?
Am I being a good friend?

Maybe I’ll just listen to his advice on how to help solve my problems. He was really good at it!

I love you, dad, and we miss you.

Do you need more playfulness in your day?

Over the past year, I don’t think many of us have woke up in the morning or reflected on our day thinking about playfulness. It’s been so heavy. After spending some time recharging over the holidays, I had planned to publish this blog during the first week of January. But then like many of us, I became consumed and disheartened by the events at our Capitol. Touting the insights about playfulness didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel right.

However, I was reminded of how important playfulness and humor are to my day-to-day relationships and the impact they have on my daily attitude and psyche. How they help me be an energy giver rather than an energy vampire. How the littlest bit of playfulness can shift my attitude, even if it is just the latest Bernie Sanders mittens meme.

So I thought I would share a few insights around using playfulness. To lighten up in order to take it easy on ourselves, live in the moment, increase connection with others, and building stronger culture in our organizations.

Remembering Rule #6

Being playful doesn’t mean you don’t take your work, your passion, or any of the things that are important seriously. It also doesn’t mean that you are not working hard to achieve your goals. It doesn’t mean you lack empathy and don’t care about others. It doesn’t mean you don’t want positive change around our greatest social issues.

I recently spoke to a non-profit group on ‘my journey to being a contribution’ and mentioned rule #6. It’s from one of my favorite leadership books, The Art of Possibility. Rule #6 is simple… Don’t take yourself so damn seriously. It really resonated with the group and during the Q&A, I was asked for tips on how I keep from taking myself too seriously (I know, right!). In the end, I think my response could be summarized that it comes down to bringing in playfulness in how I interact with family, friends, and colleagues.

Playfulness Keeps You Present

Sometimes you just need to wear a flamingo suit to the table for a little fun

Playfulness is a great way to focus on the here and now and stay present for day-to-day moments. If you don’t’ believe me, follow a 4-year-old around for a day. They see the world in the way that it was meant to be seen. They recognize playfulness and can’t get enough of it. They are focused on what’s immediately in front of them and tuned into what gets a positive reaction. Kids can recognize our awkwardness, know what’s worth giggling about, and still know how to celebrate the simplest wins. They aren’t worried about the things they are doing tomorrow and are in the moment.

A few laughs with a witty friend helps let your guard down a bit and you can refocus your energy on what really matters. It’s almost like you purge yourself of the things that were nagging at you and that you were probably overexaggerating anyway. Playfulness also generates small talk and like my friend Derrick says, “if you can’t talk about the small things, you can’t talk about the big things”.

Playfulness Creates Connection

Our dog Buford showing off a little playfulness in the morning snow

Playful moments accelerate connection with others and help us to build rapport quickly and effectively. Sharing a smile is one of the most important communication tools we have as humans.

Even in times of social distancing, group texts, WhatsApp threads, and phone calls with friends and family can be full of dad jokes, inside jokes, and sarcastic banter. These simple communications go a long way for those that may be living alone or a long way from home. My friend Will recently said our thread has kept him going during this long pandemic. “Living alone is tough, and by nature, I tend to hibernate when stressed. Having y’all a few clicks of a keyboard away has really helped”.

Playfulness also doesn’t have to be a big production. Maybe it’s just watching your dog enjoy some time in the snow. Maybe it’s sharing your grandfathers’ favorite joke. Maybe it is reviving a story that shaped your identity with an old friend. Maybe it’s trying improv with a group of strangers (BTW, I highly recommended this one). Maybe it’s spending the time doing that one funny face and voice again for your kids that they can’t get enough of. Sharing a laugh with someone is priceless.

Playfulness Impacts Culture

When professional athletes retire, many of them say that they miss the time with teammates in the locker room and the dinners on the road trips more than the sport itself. Those were the times filled with playfulness, connection, and where they and established trust and friendship with each other. Most of us spend 8-10 hours a day with our colleagues at work, shouldn’t it be fun?

When leaders bring playfulness into the organizational environment it brings positivity. Employees feel there is space to form connections with each other. Playfulness brings out authenticity and helps make feel leaders are accessible (and human). It also contributes to releasing the pressure that can build in an environment and make it feels safer to take risks and show individuality. That organization maybe your own family.

Can’t think of where to bring more playfulness into your day? Just remember rule #6.

Yep, dental tools have been turned into a family card game. I’m sure someone was just being playful in the dentist’s office one day…

Am I the man that I was coached to be?

This time of year is always a period of deep reflection for me and this year, it feels deeper, heavier, and more significant. There isn’t a person in the world that’s not impacted by this global pandemic and all of us are experiencing our own personal wins and losses.

I’ve been reflecting on personal role models, their impact on me, and how I apply their lessons as I navigate mid-life with a young family.

One of those was role models was wrestling Coach Ray Barron. He wasn’t just one of mine, he positively impacted thousands of young men and women. We lost Coach in late October, and over the past few months, I have been reminded of the impact he had on his family, along with all the men (and women) across generations of 50 years of coaching.

So I’ve been thinking a lot about the lessons that I learned from Coach on and off the wrestling mat in an attempt to ensure that I am still living up as one of ‘Barron’s Boys’.

Showing UP

Be confident while maintaining humility
You can do it, but you have to believe in yourself first
Be willing to put in the work
Respect everyone. Parents, coaches, teammates, teachers, and your opponent
Your conduct is a reflection of the entire team (or family)
No one person is bigger than the sport (or any organization you take part in)
You are ultimately measured by your heart, not your trophies
Play to your strengths
Challenge yourself, but don’t beat yourself up
Dig deeper, you will find even more than you realized was there

Winning and losing

Win with class and lose with class
There is no better feeling than when you know you gave it your best
You always shake hands with your opponent
You can’t always control the outcome, but you can control how you respond
You can be upset you lost, but you can’t be a sore sport
Never blame the referees
The process matters more than the outcome

Being a Teammate

True companionship lasts forever
Celebrate others success and catch them if they fall
Inclusivity is natural when you sweat together for a common goal
You learn a lot about yourself carrying someone else up a flight of stairs or through other life challenges
Seasons are short, but memories carry on
Seize the opportunity to connect in meaningful ways
Embrace growing together, you will never regret it

Coach played a significant role in shaping life long friendships beyond the wresting mat

I’m sure there are so many additional lessons that others took away from their time with Coach. At the end of the day, when I look back at Coach Barron’s legacy, I think it is very simple. That he just cared.

Coach set up young men (and women) for success no matter where they were in their journey. He had a knack for identifying the kid that could use some confidence just by being part of the program. He helped the most talented reach their full potential to compete for championships. He could also humble those that needed it and transform them in the most positive way.

At the banquet at the end of the season, the seniors would gather at the front of the auditorium. We called it senior goodbyes. He would say some final words about each wrestler and he could never make it through the speeches without shedding tears. He had invested so much time into us as young men and his return on investment was our growth and character that we took into adulthood.

Now that our girls have entered school-aged years, I can see how important it is to consistently pass on all of those lessons that I mentioned above. It’s not always easy and it takes significant commitment. How do I model it, teach it, and celebrate it?

But what if I asked myself each morning, “Am I the man that I was coached to be?” Maybe that’s the right tactic going forward to help me reach my potential. I believe answering that question will shape my everyday intentions, decisions, and actions. Then I can take comfort in being content with the consequences and outcomes that fall into place.

You can read more awesome stories about Coach Barron, learn more about his impact, and support the scholarship in his name at the Ray Barron Strength and Honor Fund.

The only thing between my intentions and reality is me!

Leave it up to the Peloton instructor (Olivia Amato) to bring things full circle. I don’t remember her exact phrase, but when kicking off the 30-minute ride, she said something like, “turn your intentions into your reality.”

We all have our intentions. Some that we have vocalized and others that we keep just to ourselves. Some have been there for years and some that we have just discovered.

We dream about our intentions becoming a reality and it feels so good when they come true. Other times, life gets in the way and we put up barriers like, “if only…” in front of them.

Whether it’s getting in shape, showing up as we want to at work, being a good parent, or just maximizing our day; the only thing standing between our intentions and our realities are us. More specifically, the actions and decisions that we make on daily basis.

So when I reflect on the reality that I am visualizing, it’s going to take some focus. I have a lot of intentions, but do I really know which ones are the most important? Are there actions and behaviors that can support multiple intentions to reach my desired reality?

Although Olivia brought this to light today, I have a reminder on my desk that I got early on in my career at Accenture and sometimes I forget to look at it.

*(c.) 2006* Possibilate Ltd. www.workforceperformance.com

When our core values are in alignment with our intentions, promises, and our actions, dreams can become reality.

This is a great time of year to take a step back and reflect on your intentions. Are they grounded by your beliefs and core values? What are the promises you are making to yourself and others? Are your daily actions leading you to the reality you seek?

Insights from the ‘Dad Pool’

I’d like to introduce you to the ‘Dad Pool’. We started out as 4 guys paired up based on where we lived to carpool to a Leadership Denver retreat last September. The first thing we realized that we had in common was that we were all fathers. Over the past 10 months, we have contributed to each other’s growth, while supporting each other during some of the most dynamic times in our history.

Top right: Me
Top left: Jon Woods
Bottom Left: Corey Edwards
Bottom Right: Ryan Harris

In this blog, I want to share some insights and observations from the Dad Pool that I think you can leverage for your own pods.

Build a Foundation of Trust

Like all new relationships, you have to start somewhere. The Dad Pool was no different. We started with small talk over sports, family, fatherhood, day jobs, and the legitimacy of boneless buffalo wings. It provided us insight into each other’s perspective and how our world views were formed. My friend Derrick summarized it for me this week, “If you can’t talk about the little things, you won’t be able to talk about the big things.” (We have been close friends for almost 30 years, growing together from boys going through puberty to becoming middle-aged men… that is so painful to say).

So as our Dad Pool relationships grew through experiences and everyday encouragement, the discussions shifted from the little things to big things. We were able to engage in conversations on race, poverty, policy, and other critical topics during a global pandemic because we had built a foundation of trust with each other. We are in a place that allowed us to see each other, hear each other, and help each other grow.

In a recent discussion on racial realities among 60+ people, I definitely got a bit defensive. I’m not proud of it and I’m also on a growth journey. I felt deflated, misunderstood, and disconnected. However, the Dad Pool was amongst the first ones to extend their hands and help me back on my feet. We had built up enough trust and they know what’s deep in my heart and my intent. We move on together!

Seize any opportunity to Connect

Corey had a major commitment on the first day of the retreat and was going to miss a big portion. I think that most people would have just skipped the retreat altogether (it was 3 hours away). However, Corey had the foresight to know the value of a long road trip in a car with dudes he didn’t know that well. He got up early and jumped in the carpool, only to turnaround and drive back as soon as we unloaded the car and said a few hellos to others. (Props to Ryan to let him take his truck for the day, we definitely didn’t know each other’s driving records yet). We didn’t see Corey again until the end of the night but felt so connected from our ride down earlier in the day. The next day after the retreat, we had another 3 hours to keep building and strengthening our foundation.

I often hear from many people that are longing for deeper connections with others. I believe there are opportunities that arise daily across a number of your pods to connect. Whether it’s at work, among friends and family, or even organized meetups. However, it is so easy to talk yourself out being the one to make the first call, going to an event alone, or jumping in the carpool. There are many opportunities to make a deeper connection with others that we don’t take advantage of. What does it look like to seize your next opportunity to choose connection over the daily grind?

Save my Life

This week was so intense, as the world addresses race inequality and displays another rallying cry for change. To get some fresh air, the Dad Pool arranged a ‘golf’ outing (I put golf in quotes because it was really just an opportunity for us to connect in person… we didn’t even keep score). It was on this walk around the course when Corey looked me in the eyes and said, “save my life”. It’s a moment that I will never forget and the conversation was about the role white people will have in racial equality. It was powerful and meaningful. It was also something that could not have been said if we hadn’t built a foundation of trust and deep connection (see the two insights above).

BELIEVING we can CHANGE THE WORLD

Ryan signs off every one of his e-mails his with “Let’s change the world”. He is not just throwing out an aspiration, he means it. Every conversation we have, whether it is in person, over the phone, or one of his signature video chats, he inspires me to be my best self. His positivity is contagious and he has unbelievable skills in boosting confidence and belief in yourself. He follows through. I’ll get a random link to something that relates to a dream I shared or an invitation to a learning opportunity related to one of my goals. Ryan knows the power of belief and teamwork. As a member of a Superbowl winning team, author of the book Mindset for Mastery, radio host, and public speaker. After a conversation with Ryan, you believe that you can actually change the world.

“Let’s change the world” four words to approach each and every day.

Dynamic Times Require Dynamic Responses

Throughout the COVID-19 stay at home orders, Jon has been modeling what I will call the 3 A’s. Agility, Adjust, and Adapt. I’ve been watching Jon experience the feelings of both flourishing and frustration under the new ways we found ourselves working. However, Jon constantly tweaks how he is balancing work and life activities and to get the structure that he wants in his day. He doesn’t accept the status quo and he is quick to take action.

I’m not ready to call our experience over the past 3 months the ‘new normal’, but it is very clear that we are going to have to be quicker to adapt to the external environment and figure out how to contribute and be productive (while remaining sane).

Dad jokes, fart jokes, TikToc Videos

We live in heavy times and laughter is so important in keeping us balanced and healthy. The Dad Pool is a constant reminder of Rule #6 from the book, The Art of Possibility. Rule #6 is to not take ourselves so damn seriously. Especially during these times, humor helps us reset and recharge. It helps us feel more connected as we take on the challenging task of changing the world.

So… although this blog is about the insights that I have gained from the Dad Pool in my own personal growth regarding engaging in growth and embracing change. The most valuable lesson is the importance of instilling them in our girls as they grow up. Being a dad is one of the most important roles that I have right now, and I’ll be leaning on the Dad Pool for continued guidance and insights.

P.S. Below is a short video exploring that in order to engage in change, we must establish a foundation of trust. (Insight #1 in this blog)

Exploring our Hierarchy of Needs through COVID-19

I think it is safe to say that across the world, COVID-19 gave us all a first-hand look at this theory that we read about in Psychology 101 as many of us found ourselves reassessing our needs and priorities. Understanding this theory may provide you the insights that you need to understand yourself, how to connect with others, and how to approach engaging in your community going forward.

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a theory in psychology proposed by Abraham Maslow in his 1943 paper “A Theory of Human Motivation”.

I have found myself going up and down every level of the pyramid in the past 8 weeks

Prior to this pandemic, I was in a really good place, feeling my mojo, and spending a lot of time at the top of the pyramid. Grateful that my basic and psychological needs were met while living a life of first world problems. Only a few months earlier, I was writing blogs about achieving goals and making 2020 a great year.

Whacked right down to the bottom of the pyramid!

It was like a punch in the gut. When the Covid-19 threat began to really materialize early on, I tapped into my primal instincts and scrambling to ensure the basics were covered like food, water, shelter, (and toilet paper). As we were trying to understand what the schools were going to do, understand the decisions for our workplaces, and say goodbye to our favorite venues.

It reminded me of a Tool song called Aenima (a.k.a. Swim), which is about Armageddon. There are lots of F-bombs that I can’t include here, but there
is a verse:

Some say a comet will fall from the sky
Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves
Followed by fault lines that cannot sit still
Followed by millions of dumbfounded dipshits

I mean, didn’t we all feel like dumbfounded dipshits?

Once we determined that our basics needs were met and we realized that this wasn’t going to last ‘a couple of weeks’. The reality really hit that there are so many families that don’t have the luxury of getting their basic needs met.

I will never forget a conversation with Katie as she headed home from her ‘last day’ of school. It started with a list of what else she could get at the store as she headed home. She got very quiet and started crying. She then said, “I’m just so worried about my families.” She works in Title 1 schools, with kids (and families) that rely on free and reduced lunch. She sees their struggles during ‘normal’ times and was fearful of what lies ahead for them. Enlighted again, the consequences of this pandemic won’t be fair or equitable.

Time to Rise Up the Pyramid

Now that our basic needs were met, we shifted gears and mobilized our resources (people, money, and time). Katie, her fellow colleagues, and her family didn’t waste any time creating a plan to help those families in need.

In addition, my Leadership Denver 2020 cohort began to look like a militia of leaders called to action. Hundreds of messages a day to share information on where help was needed in the community, providing resources, and taking action to begin filling holes. I got a first-hand look at how the foundations that are created through great wealth are some of the first ones to mobilize targeted relief efforts alongside civic leaders. I saw non-profit leaders doing whatever it took to continue serving their constituents. I learned that leaders, leading leaders, is a powerful force.

While feeling so fortunate and grateful for my own situation, the reality of the impact this was having on others was getting daunting. I kept falling back to the words that one of my classmates provided earlier in the year:

“You should never apologize for the cards that you were dealt, you just have to do something with them“
Dawanta Parks, LD2020

So in reflecting back, the engagement to help the community is how my psychological and self-fulfillment needs where getting met. This is how I was working up and down the pyramid, by being a contribution.

Moving Forward

So as we forge ahead in this new ecosystem, I also think that we can leverage Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs for insights.

One approach is to move from inside-out. Start with yourself, then focus on how you will connect with others, and then how to engage in the community.

Start with yourself

It might be a good time to reflect and have an honest conversation with yourself on your own set of needs. Not just the basic needs, those ones are easy! But what exploring your needs in all of the levels of the pyramid.

When you look at your belongingness, esteem, and self-actualization needs:

What needs have changed?
What needs do you want to change?
Do you need to reprioritize things?
Did you discover new behaviors that are positive?
Did you identify behaviors that destructive?

Is this an opportunity to explore the path to self-actualization through a new lens?

Connecting with Others

As we transition from ‘Stay-at-Home’ to ‘Safer-at-Home’, Maslow’s hierarchy can be a helpful tool in engaging others. In addition to understanding your own needs, you can seek an understanding of where others are with theirs. This provides great insights into their fears, perspective, and intentions.

While many of us have discovered that our psychological needs like connection now require more attention, there are others that are still focused on fulfilling their basic needs like safety. This can be very tricky if you have moved into a different level of the hierarchy and others have not.

For example, my sister and I struggle with crossing the levels of needs when it comes to engaging with my 80-year-old parents as they get ready to downsize from a house that they have lived in for almost 50 years next month. How do you provide the connection, empathy, and emotional support needed during a time of physical distancing, let alone when it requires moving someone physically?

When you take a step back look at where others are on the pyramid and what needs are being met, it helps see where their point of view is coming from.

Engaging within our Community

This pandemic came during a time that it really feels like we love to point the finger, leave anonymous comments, and somehow politicize everything. We spend hours reacting to social media posts that literally took less than 30 seconds to write. (Ok… I’m going to stop here, that is a topic among itself). We will want black and white decisions and answers during an unprecedented time full of gray areas and unknowns.

We will have to balance our own risk equations as we address our needs. We will have to navigate differing opinions with our family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and those random people on the street on how to go about our daily lives. Our own needs are different from others at different times.

The good news is that we are resilient. We have the ability to learn (some faster than others) and adapt. We are surrounded by incredible people that will do whatever it takes to help others meet their needs. We will innovate and explore new models that meet the psychological and self-fulfillment needs.

So wherever you are in the hierarchy, there is no right or wrong answer. You might feel stuck at the bottom or found yourself on top. You may be all over the place! I just hope this gives you some perspective and maybe a tool to leverage going forward.

Stay safe!

It’s not just the things in your pantry that are perishable

Six months ago, if I would have asked you what is perishable vs. non-perishable, you probably would have thought back to what you had put in a sack for the local food drive. You may have thought of canned soups, top ramen, and tuna fish.

Then bang! A ‘novel’ virus hits the world and we are finding ourselves in unprecedented modern times and under stay-at-home orders by our Governors. We end up watching more press conferences than we wanted to in a lifetime to understand the latest measures to protect our communities.

So many of us work in industries (and education) based on services, in-person commerce, and human contact. Mothers and fathers are scrambling as their livelihood was turned upside down in a matter of weeks. The grocery store shelves of those non-perishable and affordable items were gobbled up quickly. We hunkered down in fear for the unknown ahead.

It feels like our focus has been on the non-perishable and how are we going to sustain ourselves and our family through this crisis.

At this point, I realize anyone reading this blog already knows this. But what I to highlight, is the shift in perspective to focus on the perishable moments and opportunities right in front of us.

We are extremely fortunate (and very grateful) for the opportunity to work from home. But like many, Katie and I are navigating how to be productive at work and support our young girls.

This past week as the weather warmed up, our 3-year-old daughter Addie couldn’t wait until work was over so we could go out on the swing. I mean, it doesn’t get much simpler in life than sitting on a swing, but the joy she is able to derive out of it is amazing. I also realized that this is was a perishable moment.

Addie taught dad a lesson on taking in some of our perishable moments!

Katie pointed out the other day that this is an amazing amount of time that we are getting with our kids that we wouldn’t have otherwise had together. So now we are consciously trying to practice a bit more savoring of our time together and take in these moments.

So are there any perishable opportunities that you focus on during this time?

Be more present with your family?
Deepen a connection with anyone?
Learn something new?
Have that difficult conversation that you have been avoiding?
Volunteer to help others in need when you could never find the time before?
Can you ask for help?

I know that the last question that I raised above is difficult for many in my circles. There is so much pride at stake. But being vulnerable takes practice, and there isn’t a safer environment than now to give it shot.

Anyway, whether or not you celebrate Easter today, are in the midst of Passover, or it’s just another Sunday. Maybe today is a good time to let yourself feel that gratitude, provide that grace, or just give yourself a break. Most of all, is this an opportunity to deepen the connection with others and be present for the perishable moments in front of you.

P.S. Guys, I did hear from a few women that they were not sure why ex-boyfriends felt like they needed to reach out during this time and didn’t seem amused. So maybe don’t do that.

Maybe you need some heavy metal during these heavy times

So the last few weeks have been very heavy as the whole world reacts to COVID-19. This virus impacts everyone worldwide and it really feels like we still don’t know the long-term consequences. Lives are being changed on a daily basis.

It’s been weighing on a lot of us and for me, it sort of sucked out a lot of energy while scrambling throughout the day to adjust to home quarantines, school cancellations, worrying about family members, and spending way too much time up at night watching the various newscasts.

However, I received some insight during a virtual happy hour yesterday with our Leadership Denver coaching group led by Margie Thirlby. We explored resilience and through an exercise, I discovered that my creativity trait has really been running on empty.

As I continued to reflect last night, I began to feel that it isn’t just creativity that is missing. I’ve stopped working out, I’m not as present as a husband and father that I want to be, and I’ve engaged less with my pods. I’ve been a bit frazzled and dreading the impact this is having on so many people.

So when I woke up early this morning wanting to change my attitude and to get some of that creativity flowing again. I turned on some tunes and started writing this blog. In some circles, I could be considered a Boy Scout and get labeled as a prude (probably deservedly so), but I do love myself some good hard rock music. Most of my tunes are generational and old school, like Metallica, Rage Against the Machine, and artists that were on KBPI in the late ’90s.

I suppose various types of music would work, but here are the reasons why I like to rock out a bit to the heavier stuff.

It gets me moving: Beats and riffs that you can’t just sit still and listen to in a chair. I’m usually inspired to go workout, start tackling big projects, get organized or even clean the house (one reason why Katie lets me jam out sometimes).
It focuses me on the future: For me, my mind always goes to my future-self rather than dwelling on the past when I jam out to the hard stuff. I think more strategically and begin envisioning what could be. I think this started when I use to run back in high school to make weight for wrestling.
It’s rooted in themes of resilience: Although I don’t understand most of the words in the music, I get a sense of resilience and mental toughness through it. For me, it’s usually not the lyrics, but the instrumentals that give me energy.
It releases tension: This may seem counter-intuitive, but I think it is a channel to let out my anxiety, anger, and other emotions.

My go-to band during times when I want to manufacture momentum is the band Tool. I was a bit curious about why this morning and I made some interesting observations. I correlated the Tool album release dates with what was going on in my life during that time.

Undertow (1993): I was going through puberty. Enough said.
Ænima (1996): I was a freshman in college and figuring out the man that I wanted to be. I was active 18-20 hours a day and didn’t sleep much. Heavy Metal helped.
Lateralus (2001): This was the time of the dot-com bubble bursting and my first taste of a recession while in the workforce. It was my first experience with friends losing their jobs and dealing with uncertainty. Ohh and then there was 9/11.
10,000 Days (2006): An album that I listened to a ton while working on major projects to stay busy throughout the Financial Crisis of 2007-2008 and beyond. It was a time in my life when I struggled to find resiliency and was initiating the transition from being work-centered to a desire to be more family-centered. It wasn’t until today, that I discovered the album title is referring to roughly the period of time it takes Saturn to orbit around the sun. Tool’s lead singer said this about the origin of the album title:

“That’s the time in your 28th, 29th year when you have presented the opportunity to transform from whatever your hang-ups were before to let the light of knowledge and experience lighten your load, so to speak, and let go of old patterns and embrace a new life,”
Maynard James Keenan ( Source)

I was 29 in 2006. I was definitely enlighted in the years following and going through a transition that definitely didn’t happen overnight. However, the best thing that came out of that period for me has been the insight to see when others are going through it, remembering the way I felt, and offering ways to help.

Fear Inoculum (2019): After a long hiatus tool released this album, (about the same amount of time we had a bull market and thriving economy). Not until today, did I know that the definition of inoculum is a substance introduced into the body to create or increase the body’s resistance or immunity to a disease. Prophetic or not, that is about a freaky as Disney quarantining Rapunzel to a tower in the movie ‘Tangled’, set in the Kingdom of Corona.

So if you see a Half-Italian / Half-Lebanese guy running through the neighborhood with headphones on. It’s just me getting some heavy metal in my day to get through these heavy times.

Also, if you need someone to jam out with, let me know and we’ll get through this together. The girls will always be willing to put on a show.

The girls are also discovering the joy of a good jam!

3-42-80… and everything in-between

3-42-80. No, that is not my locker combination. Those are the ages of my youngest daughter, me, and my father. A span of 77 years across 3 generations and right now, I am trying to successfully navigate all of them.

There really isn’t a much better example of mixing pods. Balancing work and life (3 generations of it), while trying to achieve personal and professional goals. I’m striving to be an engaged husband and father, level up in my career, and ensure my parents are getting the support they need. Sometimes it feels like it’s a gravy train of transitions with one leading into the other and I never an opportunity to settle in. I’m starting to see why people gain weight in their 40s (don’t worry, my diet starts tomorrow).

This blog is about sharing insights and there are plenty of those to go around. Although, there are times that I have more questions than insights.

Parenting

Our girls are 3 and 5-years-old. These are super fun ages. Maggie has embraced learning to read, write, and do math in kindergarten. Addie is learning that you have to keep your hands and your lips to yourself in pre-school (no kissing in the playhouse!) It’s amazing to watch them learn so much about our world and remind us that there is nothing cooler than seeing things for the first time.

It also turns on the internal monologue and I start asking myself questions.

Am I staying present?
What is the right amount of discipline?
How do I not wind them up at night before bed? (It just happens)
How do we not coddle our kids and allow them to learn by trial and error?
Will I make it through ages 13 and 14? (Can’t wait to see those blogs!)
How do I ensure we have a lifelong relationship?

I learned from watching the Pixar movie, ‘Inside Out’, that there are core memories and I want to make them good ones. Looking back at some of my favorite core memories as a kid, they weren’t architected, they just happened.

Adulting

Parenting, working, husbanding, friending, mentoring, communitying… It seems like every day is jammed packed. I am so fortunate that Katie is an awesome partner and we continue to grow together, rather than apart as we approach 20 years of marriage. I attribute this to our support of each other across all of our pods. However, that doesn’t mean that I’m not constantly wondering,

Am I living up to my role as a husband?
Do I have more to contribute to my community?
Am I fostering important connections and friendships?
Am I living up to my potential professionally?
Am I actually being the leader that I desire to be?
How could I make a bigger impact?

Every day, it feels like I have to re-learn that time is our most valuable resource. (Yep, even at age 42). I’m grateful for the moments that I use time as an amazing asset. I can also get frustrated by my mismanagement of it, regretting the opportunity costs associated with some of my decisions. Prioritization should be easy… right? As explored in another blog about this time last year, is it over committing or under prioritizing?

Aging

We spend a lot of time and energy preparing for our golden years in the physical and financial sense. But I’ve realized there is a gap in how we prepare for the toll aging takes on our mentality. Giving up some of our most beloved activities like skiing and golfing, to more common daily activities like driving and yard work. We spend decades building up our confidence and ‘being the rock’, which makes it difficult when you can’t do the things that made you, you. My parents did an awesome job planning for their future over the years, but it definitely has me exploring new questions?

Am I showing the right amount of empathy?
What does this transition look like?
Am I ensuring enough time with their grandchildren?
Am I doing enough for our own retirement and post-retirement planning?
Am I carving out time for my siblings, in-laws, and extended family?
Do I really understand how fast time really goes?

I’m not trying to turn this blog into the song, Cat’s in the Cradle by Harry Chapin. However, I’m hoping that just like that song and others like it, it provides space to take stock of our priorities. (I apologize now for that song ringing in your head for the next 12 or so hours)

Ok… So maybe there are a few insights?

When I take a step back and look at 3-42-80, maybe it is a combination to unlocking great insights. Maybe this is where that whole wisdom vs. knowledge thing shows up in life.

Being present should never be understated
Knowing thyself is a lifelong journey
Life is complicated and gray, not black and white
If it feels like you are over-analyzing, you probably are
Don’t take yourself so seriously
Participate and contribute (not someday, today!)
Find your crew, tribe, and confidants

Honestly, none of these insights are new and have been shared for ages. It’s the application in our daily lives that makes them real. For me, 3-42-80 means that I can go from teaching ABCs to presenting to corporate executives, to discussing long-term care… all before 10:00 a.m.

It makes me laugh when I look back and thought that life got easier the older you got. Wisdom!

‘Just get started’ is my mantra for 2020

In last year’s New Years Day blog, What is your one word for 2019? I was really focused on achieving some ambitious goals. I chose the word ‘commitment’ to serve as a reminder throughout the year. In reflecting back, I had an incredible 2019 accomplishing personal and professional goals. So maybe focusing on the one word actually worked.

Heading into 2020, I think I am going to shift away from just one word (although I think if I was to choose one this year it would be ‘purpose’), and I’m going to go with a mantra. This year’s mantra is ‘Just get started!’.

Earlier this year, I was listening to my friend Candace Mau’s Everyday Joy podcast and she referenced a parable highlighting the benefits of taking a just get started approach.

A woman had been nagging her husband to paint the bathroom. He said he would get it done, but not to question his methods. So he went into the bathroom and drew an outline of a 2 foot by 2 foot square. She asked what he was doing, and he said, ‘remember not to question my methods’.
He then went and got his painting stuff from the garage and began painting the 2×2 square. When she looked in the bathroom later in the day, he had painted 75% of it. He then quickly finished the whole bathroom.
When she asked about his method, he said that he could commit to painting a 2×2 square on the wall and then once he started, he knew he would be able to get it done.
Paraphrased from Candace Mau’s podcast after she paraphrased from life coach William Wood, who paraphrased it from who knows where

The story has stuck with me and I’m finding the approach works across many of many different areas (pods) in my life. We all know the Nike slogan, Just Do it! Of course, that it is always easier said than done. Too often the ‘it’ is an end result. But what if the ‘it’ is just getting started on the first step to achieving ‘it’.

So I thought I would share some insights and tips on how to just get started.

Build Momentum
They talk a lot about momentum in sports, but you see it everywhere. Political races, product launches, social media trends, etc. But in our personal and professional lives, where does momentum come from? I wrote a Perficient blog in 2018, Sometimes you have to manufacture momentum. I actively use many of these techniques, including listening to music, getting organized, and feeling grateful. For some of us, momentum is created by fresh starts or recharging by taking time off and listening to holiday music 24/7 (like my wife Katie). For others, it may be going on a long run, while listening to old school heavy metal (that would be me).

Take a Risk!
It’s super easy to talk yourself out of anything and rationalize reasons for not doing something. They say that it is a lot easier to learn things as a child. Sometimes I think that is because kids are less risk-averse and don’t self-talk themselves out of things. Before you can ice skate, you have to lace up the skates. You have to step on the ice for the first time. It takes encouragement and support from others, but at the end of the day, it comes down to your ability to get started by putting one foot in front of the other.

Addie’s first skating lesson. She’s learned that sometimes you just have to get started. It was intimidating at first, but now she loves it.

Let Things Incubate
Once you get something started, it sits in the back of your mind and you can subconsciously build on it. The next thing you know, you have improved upon your idea without doing anything but letting time pass. When I have a big presentation to create, I find that sketching out a quick outline and walking away is a great way to get started. While I’m ‘sleeping on it’, walking the dog, or going for a drive, I gain perspective that I didn’t have sitting in front of the screen. Excitement builds around the ideas and it goes from being a daunting task to something I can’t wait to get done.

Fail Fast
By quickly getting started on something, you also may discover that it’s actually not something you want to finish or it isn’t going to play out like you intended. By just getting started, you can quickly make the necessary changes or determine to just stop. In this scenario, you stop beating yourself up for not getting going and shift your energy to other things you have deamed more worth your time and effort. This isn’t really failing, but focusing.

Anyway, I’m glad I took the risk and launched this blog last year. It’s a reminder for me on how just getting started on something can turn out.

Thanks so much for reading and I can’t wait for what things get started in 2020!