Our beautiful home state of Colorado has 58 mountain peaks above 14,000 feet. Their magnificent rocky peaks peer out above the treeline, calling out and challenging hundreds of people to make an ascent to their summit year-round.
For most people, climbing a 14er is a symbolic accomplishment of strength and fortitude. For others, it is a bucket list item. While some even consider it a right of passage to live in our state, but I don’t really think that is theirs to judge.
Last week, after months of Coronavirus lockdowns, isolation, and some impatience, a few of my Leadership Denver Classmates and I decided it was time to get our groove on. Our minds and bodies craved an adventure. It was time to venture out and climb a 14er.
As we gathered really early in the brisk morning mountain air, it was a bit hazy from the wildfires nearby. The smoke was hovering in the valley below the peak in which we were going to climb. In addition to being outfitted in our best hiking gear, we were all equipped with a new piece of outdoor equipment, the facemask.
As we hiked single-file up the mountain, I was able to get caught up with the person directly in front and behind me. I got the latest scoop on plans for the school year, gym openings, small business challenges, the upcoming election, and roles in social impact causes.
So I did think we were going in costume, a bit of a misunderstanding. Therefore the hat.
Of course, we offset the heaviness with dad jokes, fart jokes, inside jokes, and some teasing when someone had to scurry off the trail to tinkle. After taking a break to catch our breath and rest our legs, we would start heading up the trail again. However, our order had changed and I now had a different person in front and in back of me allowing for more wonderful conversations to take place. Dang, I missed these guys (and gals).
The joy of summiting never gets old. We had some first-timers to share what it felt like to be on top of the world. Although hiking is an individual activity, it sure felt like we were a team. It’s such a unifying experience.
Our conversations on the way down the mountain seemed to be lighter. There is probably something to that with the anxiety of reaching the top of the mountain behind us. Maybe it’s mental. But we had to stay on our toes because going down seems to cause more discomfort and injuries than going up. (Especially after you have a Home Alone style wipeout on your daughter’s skateboard at 4:00 in the morning).
So in reflecting back on the hike (or as my classmate corrected me, the climb), the insight for me is simple. I needed this!
I needed to feel a connection beyond the web calls, phone calls, and e-mails. I needed an outdoor adventure. I needed a challenge. I needed to be uncomfortable. I needed the feeling of accomplishment. I needed camaraderie. I needed to laugh. I needed my friends. I needed 14,000 ft.
You know… that feeling when you are at the very top! Mt. Bierstadt , Colorado (14,060 ft.)
One of the most incredible opportunities to increase connection with others is by asking for help. Whether it is a big thing or a little thing, our deepest bonds are with those that we are engaged with during a time of need.
Before life on the internet, you used books like this
I started thinking about this while we were packing up my parent’s house of almost 50 years as they downsize to something more comfortable. We came across the Better Homes & Gardens Handyman’s book, published in 1951. This gem has all sorts of awesome stuff and before Google and YouTube, this was the household resource for home repairs. (This also must have been where all that ‘dad’ knowledge came from… no wonder I never found it before.)
So why is it so hard to ask for help?
I’m sure there are many psychology papers written on it and that it’s rooted in fear of others thinking we are weak, incompetent, or just not smart. We constantly compare ourselves to others, especially our peers. There are probably some innate and learned behaviors involved.
New experiences may require a little help to get started, but then become so fulfilling
Ok, I honestly have no clue, but I think it starts early. Our 5-year-old’s favorite phrases right now are, “I got it”, “I can do it myself” and “I know!”. I love her independence, but I also want to encourage her to explore new experiences and undergo challenges that may be difficult at first. To see the value that seeking help getting started is a good thing. That asking for help opens up our worldview.
Ohh, and I know there aren’t any 5-year-olds reading this blog. This insight is for my fellow adults that seem to have more difficulty asking for help than children. We are the ones that actually know that we don’t have everything figured out, but are most reluctant to ask for help. I chuckle every time I think back my mindset early on in life that things got easier the older you got.
Fostering Connection
What I do know, is that the deepest and most meaningful connections in my life are with those that have helped me in my most difficult times and vice versa. There is a bond that takes place when you allow your vulnerability to shine with another human being.
Best Friend Brene Brown says in her book Daring Greatly,
Because sharing appropriately, with boundaries, means sharing with people with whom we’ve’ developed relationships that can bear the weight of our story. The result of this mutually respectful vulnerability in increased connection, trust and engagement.
Brene Brown
So this does highlight the need to first build the base relationship with someone first. But once that relationship has been established, it is through helping each other that true connection deepens.
Some considerations when asking for help
Take Pride in asking for help
A simple mindset shift that asking for help is an opportunity rather than something to avoid goes a really long way in shaping how you show up with others. I still find myself holding back sometimes to let others know I went to a therapist for anxiety. (But when you can’t get out of bed in the morning… I think the ask for help turned out to be a good idea.) However, when I do share, the response from others (usually privately) is really heartwarming. Exhibiting pride rather than shame goes a really long way. (Ohh, and it is usually with my professional colleagues that it seems to have the greatest impact.)
Have you noticed your own reaction when someone, who you see as confident and strong, asks for help? If you’re like me, a sense of admiration and calm set in. It seems like strong leaders and enlightened individuals are the ones least afraid to seek help.
Ask more than once
For some of us, asking for help is extremely difficult. It takes a lot of courage, involves sweaty palms, and comes out in broken sentences. We get the courage to ask for help and unfortunately, sometimes we don’t get an immediate response. Or maybe there is an initial response, but then didn’t hear back. This can be extremely discouraging. But remember, we all live such busy, always-on, and distracted lives. It’s not to take away from how important your need is, but the person you are asking is also juggling their own needs. However, when you ask again, it puts it back to the top of the pile, and the person may have already started thinking about how to help in the background. Ask again, it’s ok.
face-to-face makes a difference
“I sent at text.” Maybe it’s generational, but when someone says this in response to how they asked for help, it drives me bonkers. I’m surprised at how many really important requests for help are sent through texts. Maybe it works, allowing time for the other person to process a response. However, I feel that the real connection comes through facial expressions, looking at each other eye-to-eye, the tone in our voices, and the follow-up questions. Asking for help is a gateway to increase overall engagement with someone. It can be the start of something really awesome.
It’s trial and error anyway
I’m starting to believe that most of the ‘experts’ are only 80% sure on how to do something anyway. They have enough experience and a foundation to get started and then learn through a real-time trial and error process. Next time you are engaging with an ‘expert’ on something, watch closely to see how the outcome unfolds. You will most likely notice they are figuring it out as they go. The insight here is to not dismiss your ability due to a lack of experience. Once you get help with the basics, you’ll also be able to figure it out too.
People actually want to help
So this blog focused on asking for help, but I’m a firm believer that people also really want to be the help others. Once the relationship and connection take hold, an eagerness to support each other grows. Once you get the bug, you just want to keep going. Helping others scratches that itch of being part of something bigger than ourselves.
I’ll leave you with a couple of simple questions:
Is there an area in your life that you could ask someone for help?
Most importantly, is there someone in your life you could offer to help?
