Work life balance – Mixing Pods

Do you need more playfulness in your day?

Over the past year, I don’t think many of us have woke up in the morning or reflected on our day thinking about playfulness. It’s been so heavy. After spending some time recharging over the holidays, I had planned to publish this blog during the first week of January. But then like many of us, I became consumed and disheartened by the events at our Capitol. Touting the insights about playfulness didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel right.

However, I was reminded of how important playfulness and humor are to my day-to-day relationships and the impact they have on my daily attitude and psyche. How they help me be an energy giver rather than an energy vampire. How the littlest bit of playfulness can shift my attitude, even if it is just the latest Bernie Sanders mittens meme.

So I thought I would share a few insights around using playfulness. To lighten up in order to take it easy on ourselves, live in the moment, increase connection with others, and building stronger culture in our organizations.

Remembering Rule #6

Being playful doesn’t mean you don’t take your work, your passion, or any of the things that are important seriously. It also doesn’t mean that you are not working hard to achieve your goals. It doesn’t mean you lack empathy and don’t care about others. It doesn’t mean you don’t want positive change around our greatest social issues.

I recently spoke to a non-profit group on ‘my journey to being a contribution’ and mentioned rule #6. It’s from one of my favorite leadership books, The Art of Possibility. Rule #6 is simple… Don’t take yourself so damn seriously. It really resonated with the group and during the Q&A, I was asked for tips on how I keep from taking myself too seriously (I know, right!). In the end, I think my response could be summarized that it comes down to bringing in playfulness in how I interact with family, friends, and colleagues.

Playfulness Keeps You Present

Sometimes you just need to wear a flamingo suit to the table for a little fun

Playfulness is a great way to focus on the here and now and stay present for day-to-day moments. If you don’t’ believe me, follow a 4-year-old around for a day. They see the world in the way that it was meant to be seen. They recognize playfulness and can’t get enough of it. They are focused on what’s immediately in front of them and tuned into what gets a positive reaction. Kids can recognize our awkwardness, know what’s worth giggling about, and still know how to celebrate the simplest wins. They aren’t worried about the things they are doing tomorrow and are in the moment.

A few laughs with a witty friend helps let your guard down a bit and you can refocus your energy on what really matters. It’s almost like you purge yourself of the things that were nagging at you and that you were probably overexaggerating anyway. Playfulness also generates small talk and like my friend Derrick says, “if you can’t talk about the small things, you can’t talk about the big things”.

Playfulness Creates Connection

Our dog Buford showing off a little playfulness in the morning snow

Playful moments accelerate connection with others and help us to build rapport quickly and effectively. Sharing a smile is one of the most important communication tools we have as humans.

Even in times of social distancing, group texts, WhatsApp threads, and phone calls with friends and family can be full of dad jokes, inside jokes, and sarcastic banter. These simple communications go a long way for those that may be living alone or a long way from home. My friend Will recently said our thread has kept him going during this long pandemic. “Living alone is tough, and by nature, I tend to hibernate when stressed. Having y’all a few clicks of a keyboard away has really helped”.

Playfulness also doesn’t have to be a big production. Maybe it’s just watching your dog enjoy some time in the snow. Maybe it’s sharing your grandfathers’ favorite joke. Maybe it is reviving a story that shaped your identity with an old friend. Maybe it’s trying improv with a group of strangers (BTW, I highly recommended this one). Maybe it’s spending the time doing that one funny face and voice again for your kids that they can’t get enough of. Sharing a laugh with someone is priceless.

Playfulness Impacts Culture

When professional athletes retire, many of them say that they miss the time with teammates in the locker room and the dinners on the road trips more than the sport itself. Those were the times filled with playfulness, connection, and where they and established trust and friendship with each other. Most of us spend 8-10 hours a day with our colleagues at work, shouldn’t it be fun?

When leaders bring playfulness into the organizational environment it brings positivity. Employees feel there is space to form connections with each other. Playfulness brings out authenticity and helps make feel leaders are accessible (and human). It also contributes to releasing the pressure that can build in an environment and make it feels safer to take risks and show individuality. That organization maybe your own family.

Can’t think of where to bring more playfulness into your day? Just remember rule #6.

Yep, dental tools have been turned into a family card game. I’m sure someone was just being playful in the dentist’s office one day…

Who is making you better?

My friend Ryan called me out of the blue the other night. He wanted to share an insight that he had been thinking about since our conversation on my driveway a few days earlier. He had just stopped by to say hello and during our chat, I shared with him that I was in a creative workshop and practicing my writing and storytelling.

Ryan’s been showering me with a ton of encouragement over the past few months. He has been boosting my confidence to explore writing a book and to think about public speaking. I feel like I have my very own personal cheerleader. It’s pretty cool when your cheerleader is a 6′ 5” former Superbowl Champion with the Denver Broncos, best-selling author, national public speaker, Notre Dame Football color analyst, daily radio host, family man, and I could go on and on.

So what was his insight? That asking a question is the most effective way to engage an audience and deepen a connection with others. That our brain reacts much differently when someone asks us a question rather than telling us a story.

As we continued our conversation, it brought me back to a goal I had just set a few days earlier. To be a better listener. (Of course, my wife Katie has been asking for that to be on my goal list for the last 20 years.). But I want to learn how to listen in a way that helps me really ‘see’ others beyond the words they are saying. It’s one thing to ask someone a question, but the opportunity is lost if I’m really not listening to the answer.

Like all good insights, it was timely and a clear answer to a question that I have been pondering lately. Who is making you better?

Ryan never misses an opportunity to ask a good question. Sometimes I forget we are playing golf because he has me thinking about something in a way that hadn’t before.

In addition to Ryan, another person making me better is my life and leadership coach Margie. She turned me onto the book, the Proximity Principle, by Ken Coleman. In his book, Ken describes 5 types of people to help you obtain your dream job (a.k.a. those that make you better).

1. Professors: Teachers with the experience and skills to help you
2. Professionals: Masters with a mentality to be the best they can be
3. Mentors: Trustworthy guides that have done it and care about your success
4. Peers: Intentional connections with shared values, that are driven, and give you straight talk
5. Producers: Provide a network connections, resources, and make stuff happen

I love the framework and it’s a great book. I’m sure right now you can imagine people in your life that you can slot into each of those roles and I’m fortunate that a guy like Ryan can fill in multiple roles. In addition, this perspective also helps you see where you may need to find new people to fill in the gaps.

I also think you can expand on the list a bit if you think about this principle beyond looking for your dream job. What if you explore who is making you better across all of your pods. Not just work, but in your day-to-day life and in your community?

Your boss: I’m fortunate that I work for someone that believes in me. Sometimes more than I believe in myself. Am I listening?

Your friends and family: It’s so easy to think that those closest to you are ‘just saying that’ because they have to. That they tell you what you want to hear. But they have a front-row seat to the thing you call life and their feedback is essential. These are the ones that know your dreams, are by your side when you need it, push you to work harder, and celebrate your wins. Maybe they want you to ask more questions (I sure know our friend Candace does!) Do those closest to you know where you want to get better?

Your kids: Somedays I feel like my 4 and 6-years-olds are providing more insights to me on how to be a better person than I am teaching them. There is nothing like seeing the world through the eyes of a young child. How do we keep this zest for life as we get older?

Your inner monologue: The ‘person’ we talk to the most in our life is ourselves. Is your self-talk making you better?

Every so often, we may need to take stock of who we have in our lives that are making us better and helping us achieve our goals. If you are struggling to identify people in your life that can fill these roles, then now is the time to start seeking them out. If you already know who they are, let them know it and see how it can strengthen your relationship with them.

And of course, we all know there is another follow-up question that we must ask ourselves: Who am I making better?

I’ll be focusing on that one in the days ahead.

How asking for help drives connection

One of the most incredible opportunities to increase connection with others is by asking for help. Whether it is a big thing or a little thing, our deepest bonds are with those that we are engaged with during a time of need.

Before life on the internet, you used books like this

I started thinking about this while we were packing up my parent’s house of almost 50 years as they downsize to something more comfortable. We came across the Better Homes & Gardens Handyman’s book, published in 1951. This gem has all sorts of awesome stuff and before Google and YouTube, this was the household resource for home repairs. (This also must have been where all that ‘dad’ knowledge came from… no wonder I never found it before.)

So why is it so hard to ask for help?

I’m sure there are many psychology papers written on it and that it’s rooted in fear of others thinking we are weak, incompetent, or just not smart. We constantly compare ourselves to others, especially our peers. There are probably some innate and learned behaviors involved.

New experiences may require a little help to get started, but then become so fulfilling

Ok, I honestly have no clue, but I think it starts early. Our 5-year-old’s favorite phrases right now are, “I got it”, “I can do it myself” and “I know!”. I love her independence, but I also want to encourage her to explore new experiences and undergo challenges that may be difficult at first. To see the value that seeking help getting started is a good thing. That asking for help opens up our worldview.

Ohh, and I know there aren’t any 5-year-olds reading this blog. This insight is for my fellow adults that seem to have more difficulty asking for help than children. We are the ones that actually know that we don’t have everything figured out, but are most reluctant to ask for help. I chuckle every time I think back my mindset early on in life that things got easier the older you got.

Fostering Connection

What I do know, is that the deepest and most meaningful connections in my life are with those that have helped me in my most difficult times and vice versa. There is a bond that takes place when you allow your vulnerability to shine with another human being.

Best Friend Brene Brown says in her book Daring Greatly,

Because sharing appropriately, with boundaries, means sharing with people with whom we’ve’ developed relationships that can bear the weight of our story. The result of this mutually respectful vulnerability in increased connection, trust and engagement.
Brene Brown

So this does highlight the need to first build the base relationship with someone first. But once that relationship has been established, it is through helping each other that true connection deepens.

Some considerations when asking for help

Take Pride in asking for help

A simple mindset shift that asking for help is an opportunity rather than something to avoid goes a really long way in shaping how you show up with others. I still find myself holding back sometimes to let others know I went to a therapist for anxiety. (But when you can’t get out of bed in the morning… I think the ask for help turned out to be a good idea.) However, when I do share, the response from others (usually privately) is really heartwarming. Exhibiting pride rather than shame goes a really long way. (Ohh, and it is usually with my professional colleagues that it seems to have the greatest impact.)

Have you noticed your own reaction when someone, who you see as confident and strong, asks for help? If you’re like me, a sense of admiration and calm set in. It seems like strong leaders and enlightened individuals are the ones least afraid to seek help.

Ask more than once

For some of us, asking for help is extremely difficult. It takes a lot of courage, involves sweaty palms, and comes out in broken sentences. We get the courage to ask for help and unfortunately, sometimes we don’t get an immediate response. Or maybe there is an initial response, but then didn’t hear back. This can be extremely discouraging. But remember, we all live such busy, always-on, and distracted lives. It’s not to take away from how important your need is, but the person you are asking is also juggling their own needs. However, when you ask again, it puts it back to the top of the pile, and the person may have already started thinking about how to help in the background. Ask again, it’s ok.

face-to-face makes a difference

“I sent at text.” Maybe it’s generational, but when someone says this in response to how they asked for help, it drives me bonkers. I’m surprised at how many really important requests for help are sent through texts. Maybe it works, allowing time for the other person to process a response. However, I feel that the real connection comes through facial expressions, looking at each other eye-to-eye, the tone in our voices, and the follow-up questions. Asking for help is a gateway to increase overall engagement with someone. It can be the start of something really awesome.

It’s trial and error anyway

I’m starting to believe that most of the ‘experts’ are only 80% sure on how to do something anyway. They have enough experience and a foundation to get started and then learn through a real-time trial and error process. Next time you are engaging with an ‘expert’ on something, watch closely to see how the outcome unfolds. You will most likely notice they are figuring it out as they go. The insight here is to not dismiss your ability due to a lack of experience. Once you get help with the basics, you’ll also be able to figure it out too.

People actually want to help

So this blog focused on asking for help, but I’m a firm believer that people also really want to be the help others. Once the relationship and connection take hold, an eagerness to support each other grows. Once you get the bug, you just want to keep going. Helping others scratches that itch of being part of something bigger than ourselves.

I’ll leave you with a couple of simple questions:

Is there an area in your life that you could ask someone for help?
Most importantly, is there someone in your life you could offer to help?

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

Who’s teaching who? Lessons from kindergarten on showing up at work

This is Maggie’s first year in Kindergarten and Addie is attending preschool in the same building. Katie has to be at her own school in the morning and I get the awesome privilege to drop the girls off at school before heading out to work.

This was a bit stressful for me. First of all, I have been work-centered for so many years and tended to prioritize work commitments over everything else. So this is a big paradigm shift for this brain of mine. It’s also quite a commute to my client site from our neighborhood. So I show up later now than I used to, and it still feels a bit awkward. The morning is well underway by the time I get there and I don’t have the time to get settled and organized before all the meetings start for the day. I feel rushed and a little bit disheveled.

However, throughout the month of September, I found myself enjoying drop off more and more and owning up to it. I’m focusing less on the hustle and bustle of it all, especially how it is impacting me at work, and just taking it in with the family.

Katie, the girls, and their amazing teachers are demonstrating important lessons and providing insights every morning to help me be at my best. I took a step back and reflected on school drop off duty. I think that I can apply these lessons to help me show up better at work.

Here are a few of the insights I have learned so far:

Be Present and Keep Perspective: It’s not lost on me that there is a short window of time when the girls will want to ride to school singing about ‘who stole the cookie from the cookie jar’ and playing ‘eye spy’. I’m pretty sure that I’ll remember these moments a lot longer than I’ll remember whatever my response to that urgent e-mail will be sitting in my inbox. Today only happens once and it takes effort to keep perspective. Some people figure out what matters most through life-changing events. I just wish it didn’t always have to come from something like that.

Mindset Matters: I notice that the girls have a new attitude every day. They don’t carry things with them from the previous day and are very quick to let things go. They’re excited to learn and have an appreciation for their new school experience on a daily basis. What if I focused less on the everyday grind and more about the opportunity to learn something new? Get to know someone a layer deeper? Choose to bring a positive attitude to the office every morning? (I also can’t wait to read this in 10 years when they are teenagers to see if the paragraph above still resonates. It should, but…)

Pre-plan the Night Before: First of all, this insight has the word ‘plan’ in it, so it clearly the one that Katie implemented, not me. It makes a big difference! Katie gets the girl’s clothes laid out and ready to go (sometimes after a pretty intense negotiation with Maggie on what she is going to wear), which saves us all-time in the morning. I’m also trying to apply this one in the workplace and close out the day with the plan for the next day. It helps me start with the highest priority the next morning. (at least some of the time… see the comment above about the urgent e-mail in the inbox).

Routines Rule: Successful school drop off relies on our morning routine and staying on schedule. We’ve figured out that leaving the house 2 minutes late is the difference from a steady stroll up to the classroom door vs. racing to the door before it is shut behind the teacher. (I still haven’t had to do a late check-in at the office, which is my ultimate measure of success. However, I have forgotten the lunch box and I am very thankful for the hot lunch option.) I’m sure there are more routines that I can implement in my work life to be more productive and help stay on schedule. Lord knows my boss would like that.

You Can Eat Breakfast Too: We ensure the girls have enough time to eat a good breakfast before heading to school. (Full disclosure, this doesn’t go perfectly every morning and yes, we sometimes have the containers in the car or something less desirable like a breakfast bar.) Anyway, for all of these years, why did I think it was ok to head out to work without breakfast? I’m noticing a big difference in how I feel throughout the day when I eat in the morning. A decent breakfast, not like the 430 calories in a grande white chocolate mocha. I went through that phase a few years back… one of those and I wasn’t hungry until 2:00.

How We Greet Each Other: The teachers come outside every morning smiling, with high energy, and are very welcoming. They are keenly aware that how they show up impacts how the kids respond. Of course, they have a ton going on in their own personal and professional lives, but the kids would never know it. They put the anxious ones at ease and get all of them excited for the day. This is why small talk has an important place in the workplace. This is where relationships start and build into a foundation. It’s not only about first impressions, but repeated daily interactions with those you work with the closest. It has me thinking about how I can bring more positivity into how I show up at work? How can I create a better environment for me and my co-workers?

Maggie was welcomed with open arms on her first day of school. She has been excited to go ever since.

Give Yourself a Break: Life is busy and stuff happens. Alarms don’t go off, clothes suddenly don’t fit, breakfast burns, the car is super low on gas, traffic is worse than normal, you spill your coffee on your white shirt, your phone is dead, you forget something, … We all have so much going on and we have a stack of ‘if only’s’. Take 3 breaths, think about something to be grateful for, don’t try and make excuses, and give yourself a break.

Overall, school drop off has been going pretty well. However, check-in with me in a couple of weeks. Katie is out of town for back-to-back conferences, so I’ll be flying solo and I am sure that I’ll learn some new lessons. She is the nucleus of our family and does an incredible job running our household. I’m pretty sure the girls will see the fear in my eyes and step up to help as well.

And this is just Kindergarten!