Our beautiful home state of Colorado has 58 mountain peaks above 14,000 feet. Their magnificent rocky peaks peer out above the treeline, calling out and challenging hundreds of people to make an ascent to their summit year-round.
For most people, climbing a 14er is a symbolic accomplishment of strength and fortitude. For others, it is a bucket list item. While some even consider it a right of passage to live in our state, but I don’t really think that is theirs to judge.
Last week, after months of Coronavirus lockdowns, isolation, and some impatience, a few of my Leadership Denver Classmates and I decided it was time to get our groove on. Our minds and bodies craved an adventure. It was time to venture out and climb a 14er.
As we gathered really early in the brisk morning mountain air, it was a bit hazy from the wildfires nearby. The smoke was hovering in the valley below the peak in which we were going to climb. In addition to being outfitted in our best hiking gear, we were all equipped with a new piece of outdoor equipment, the facemask.
As we hiked single-file up the mountain, I was able to get caught up with the person directly in front and behind me. I got the latest scoop on plans for the school year, gym openings, small business challenges, the upcoming election, and roles in social impact causes.
So I did think we were going in costume, a bit of a misunderstanding. Therefore the hat.
Of course, we offset the heaviness with dad jokes, fart jokes, inside jokes, and some teasing when someone had to scurry off the trail to tinkle. After taking a break to catch our breath and rest our legs, we would start heading up the trail again. However, our order had changed and I now had a different person in front and in back of me allowing for more wonderful conversations to take place. Dang, I missed these guys (and gals).
The joy of summiting never gets old. We had some first-timers to share what it felt like to be on top of the world. Although hiking is an individual activity, it sure felt like we were a team. It’s such a unifying experience.
Our conversations on the way down the mountain seemed to be lighter. There is probably something to that with the anxiety of reaching the top of the mountain behind us. Maybe it’s mental. But we had to stay on our toes because going down seems to cause more discomfort and injuries than going up. (Especially after you have a Home Alone style wipeout on your daughter’s skateboard at 4:00 in the morning).
So in reflecting back on the hike (or as my classmate corrected me, the climb), the insight for me is simple. I needed this!
I needed to feel a connection beyond the web calls, phone calls, and e-mails. I needed an outdoor adventure. I needed a challenge. I needed to be uncomfortable. I needed the feeling of accomplishment. I needed camaraderie. I needed to laugh. I needed my friends. I needed 14,000 ft.
You know… that feeling when you are at the very top! Mt. Bierstadt , Colorado (14,060 ft.)
I’d like to introduce you to the ‘Dad Pool’. We started out as 4 guys paired up based on where we lived to carpool to a Leadership Denver retreat last September. The first thing we realized that we had in common was that we were all fathers. Over the past 10 months, we have contributed to each other’s growth, while supporting each other during some of the most dynamic times in our history.
Top right: Me Top left: Jon Woods Bottom Left: Corey Edwards Bottom Right: Ryan Harris
In this blog, I want to share some insights and observations from the Dad Pool that I think you can leverage for your own pods.
Build a Foundation of Trust
Like all new relationships, you have to start somewhere. The Dad Pool was no different. We started with small talk over sports, family, fatherhood, day jobs, and the legitimacy of boneless buffalo wings. It provided us insight into each other’s perspective and how our world views were formed. My friend Derrick summarized it for me this week, “If you can’t talk about the little things, you won’t be able to talk about the big things.” (We have been close friends for almost 30 years, growing together from boys going through puberty to becoming middle-aged men… that is so painful to say).
So as our Dad Pool relationships grew through experiences and everyday encouragement, the discussions shifted from the little things to big things. We were able to engage in conversations on race, poverty, policy, and other critical topics during a global pandemic because we had built a foundation of trust with each other. We are in a place that allowed us to see each other, hear each other, and help each other grow.
In a recent discussion on racial realities among 60+ people, I definitely got a bit defensive. I’m not proud of it and I’m also on a growth journey. I felt deflated, misunderstood, and disconnected. However, the Dad Pool was amongst the first ones to extend their hands and help me back on my feet. We had built up enough trust and they know what’s deep in my heart and my intent. We move on together!
Seize any opportunity to Connect
Corey had a major commitment on the first day of the retreat and was going to miss a big portion. I think that most people would have just skipped the retreat altogether (it was 3 hours away). However, Corey had the foresight to know the value of a long road trip in a car with dudes he didn’t know that well. He got up early and jumped in the carpool, only to turnaround and drive back as soon as we unloaded the car and said a few hellos to others. (Props to Ryan to let him take his truck for the day, we definitely didn’t know each other’s driving records yet). We didn’t see Corey again until the end of the night but felt so connected from our ride down earlier in the day. The next day after the retreat, we had another 3 hours to keep building and strengthening our foundation.
I often hear from many people that are longing for deeper connections with others. I believe there are opportunities that arise daily across a number of your pods to connect. Whether it’s at work, among friends and family, or even organized meetups. However, it is so easy to talk yourself out being the one to make the first call, going to an event alone, or jumping in the carpool. There are many opportunities to make a deeper connection with others that we don’t take advantage of. What does it look like to seize your next opportunity to choose connection over the daily grind?
Save my Life
This week was so intense, as the world addresses race inequality and displays another rallying cry for change. To get some fresh air, the Dad Pool arranged a ‘golf’ outing (I put golf in quotes because it was really just an opportunity for us to connect in person… we didn’t even keep score). It was on this walk around the course when Corey looked me in the eyes and said, “save my life”. It’s a moment that I will never forget and the conversation was about the role white people will have in racial equality. It was powerful and meaningful. It was also something that could not have been said if we hadn’t built a foundation of trust and deep connection (see the two insights above).
“Save my life” three words on a golf course that will shape how I show up in the future
BELIEVING we can CHANGE THE WORLD
Ryan signs off every one of his e-mails his with “Let’s change the world”. He is not just throwing out an aspiration, he means it. Every conversation we have, whether it is in person, over the phone, or one of his signature video chats, he inspires me to be my best self. His positivity is contagious and he has unbelievable skills in boosting confidence and belief in yourself. He follows through. I’ll get a random link to something that relates to a dream I shared or an invitation to a learning opportunity related to one of my goals. Ryan knows the power of belief and teamwork. As a member of a Superbowl winning team, author of the book Mindset for Mastery, radio host, and public speaker. After a conversation with Ryan, you believe that you can actually change the world.
“Let’s change the world” four words to approach each and every day.
Dynamic Times Require Dynamic Responses
Throughout the COVID-19 stay at home orders, Jon has been modeling what I will call the 3 A’s. Agility, Adjust, and Adapt. I’ve been watching Jon experience the feelings of both flourishing and frustration under the new ways we found ourselves working. However, Jon constantly tweaks how he is balancing work and life activities and to get the structure that he wants in his day. He doesn’t accept the status quo and he is quick to take action.
I’m not ready to call our experience over the past 3 months the ‘new normal’, but it is very clear that we are going to have to be quicker to adapt to the external environment and figure out how to contribute and be productive (while remaining sane).
Dad jokes, fart jokes, TikToc Videos
We live in heavy times and laughter is so important in keeping us balanced and healthy. The Dad Pool is a constant reminder of Rule #6 from the book, The Art of Possibility. Rule #6 is to not take ourselves so damn seriously. Especially during these times, humor helps us reset and recharge. It helps us feel more connected as we take on the challenging task of changing the world.
So… although this blog is about the insights that I have gained from the Dad Pool in my own personal growth regarding engaging in growth and embracing change. The most valuable lesson is the importance of instilling them in our girls as they grow up. Being a dad is one of the most important roles that I have right now, and I’ll be leaning on the Dad Pool for continued guidance and insights.
P.S. Below is a short video exploring that in order to engage in change, we must establish a foundation of trust. (Insight #1 in this blog)
I think it is safe to say that across the world, COVID-19 gave us all a first-hand look at this theory that we read about in Psychology 101 as many of us found ourselves reassessing our needs and priorities. Understanding this theory may provide you the insights that you need to understand yourself, how to connect with others, and how to approach engaging in your community going forward.
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a theory in psychology proposed by Abraham Maslow in his 1943 paper “A Theory of Human Motivation”.
I have found myself going up and down every level of the pyramid in the past 8 weeks
Prior to this pandemic, I was in a really good place, feeling my mojo, and spending a lot of time at the top of the pyramid. Grateful that my basic and psychological needs were met while living a life of first world problems. Only a few months earlier, I was writing blogs about achieving goals and making 2020 a great year.
Whacked right down to the bottom of the pyramid!
It was like a punch in the gut. When the Covid-19 threat began to really materialize early on, I tapped into my primal instincts and scrambling to ensure the basics were covered like food, water, shelter, (and toilet paper). As we were trying to understand what the schools were going to do, understand the decisions for our workplaces, and say goodbye to our favorite venues.
It reminded me of a Tool song called Aenima (a.k.a. Swim), which is about Armageddon. There are lots of F-bombs that I can’t include here, but there is a verse:
Some say a comet will fall from the sky Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves Followed by fault lines that cannot sit still Followed by millions of dumbfounded dipshits
I mean, didn’t we all feel like dumbfounded dipshits?
Once we determined that our basics needs were met and we realized that this wasn’t going to last ‘a couple of weeks’. The reality really hit that there are so many families that don’t have the luxury of getting their basic needs met.
I will never forget a conversation with Katie as she headed home from her ‘last day’ of school. It started with a list of what else she could get at the store as she headed home. She got very quiet and started crying. She then said, “I’m just so worried about my families.” She works in Title 1 schools, with kids (and families) that rely on free and reduced lunch. She sees their struggles during ‘normal’ times and was fearful of what lies ahead for them. Enlighted again, the consequences of this pandemic won’t be fair or equitable.
Time to Rise Up the Pyramid
Now that our basic needs were met, we shifted gears and mobilized our resources (people, money, and time). Katie, her fellow colleagues, and her family didn’t waste any time creating a plan to help those families in need.
In addition, my Leadership Denver 2020 cohort began to look like a militia of leaders called to action. Hundreds of messages a day to share information on where help was needed in the community, providing resources, and taking action to begin filling holes. I got a first-hand look at how thefoundations that are created through great wealth are some of the first ones to mobilize targeted relief efforts alongside civic leaders. I saw non-profit leaders doing whatever it took to continue serving their constituents. I learned that leaders, leading leaders, is a powerful force.
While feeling so fortunate and grateful for my own situation, the reality of the impact this was having on others was getting daunting. I kept falling back to the words that one of my classmates provided earlier in the year:
“You should never apologize for the cards that you were dealt, you just have to do something with them“
Dawanta Parks, LD2020
So in reflecting back, the engagement to help the community is how my psychological and self-fulfillment needs where getting met. This is how I was working up and down the pyramid, by being a contribution.
Moving Forward
So as we forge ahead in this new ecosystem, I also think that we can leverage Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs for insights.
One approach is to move from inside-out. Start with yourself, then focus on how you will connect with others, and then how to engage in the community.
Start with yourself
It might be a good time to reflect and have an honest conversation with yourself on your own set of needs. Not just the basic needs, those ones are easy! But what exploring your needs in all of the levels of the pyramid.
When you look at your belongingness, esteem, and self-actualization needs:
What needs have changed?
What needs do you want to change?
Do you need to reprioritize things?
Did you discover new behaviors that are positive?
Did you identify behaviors that destructive?
Is this an opportunity to explore the path to self-actualization through a new lens?
Connecting with Others
As we transition from ‘Stay-at-Home’ to ‘Safer-at-Home’, Maslow’s hierarchy can be a helpful tool in engaging others. In addition to understanding your own needs, you can seek an understanding of where others are with theirs. This provides great insights into their fears, perspective, and intentions.
While many of us have discovered that our psychological needs like connection now require more attention, there are others that are still focused on fulfilling their basic needs like safety. This can be very tricky if you have moved into a different level of the hierarchy and others have not.
For example, my sister and I struggle with crossing the levels of needs when it comes to engaging with my 80-year-old parents as they get ready to downsize from a house that they have lived in for almost 50 years next month. How do you provide the connection, empathy, and emotional support needed during a time of physical distancing, let alone when it requires moving someone physically?
When you take a step back look at where others are on the pyramid and what needs are being met, it helps see where their point of view is coming from.
Engaging within our Community
This pandemic came during a time that it really feels like we love to point the finger, leave anonymous comments, and somehow politicize everything. We spend hours reacting to social media posts that literally took less than 30 seconds to write. (Ok… I’m going to stop here, that is a topic among itself). We will want black and white decisions and answers during an unprecedented time full of gray areas and unknowns.
We will have to balance our own risk equations as we address our needs. We will have to navigate differing opinions with our family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and those random people on the street on how to go about our daily lives. Our own needs are different from others at different times.
The good news is that we are resilient. We have the ability to learn (some faster than others) and adapt. We are surrounded by incredible people that will do whatever it takes to help others meet their needs. We will innovate and explore new models that meet the psychological and self-fulfillment needs.
So wherever you are in the hierarchy, there is no right or wrong answer. You might feel stuck at the bottom or found yourself on top. You may be all over the place! I just hope this gives you some perspective and maybe a tool to leverage going forward.
So we have been watching a lot of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory in our house this year (The 1971 Gene Wilder Version). I didn’t think the old movie would hold the attention of a 2 and 4-year-old girls, but they loved it.
There are so many narratives in the story that are just as true today as they were over 50 years ago when Roald Dahl wrote Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
When I initially thought about writing this post, I was thinking about highlighting Willy Wonka’s true passion, innovation, and charisma. Asking you what would it look like if you could create and run your own dream world? How would you operate without the influence, rules, and norms that we put on ourselves?
I thought that it would be fun to highlight Willy Wonka’s cynicism and how he designed a process to slowly eliminate potential heirs to his chocolate factory by exposing how their misguided behaviors. The same behaviors that parents struggle with today, such as obesity, too much TV, spoiling with our kids with material items. (Of course, the Oompa Loompas are very clear in their songs that you can blame the “MOTHER & THE FATHER”.) The whole thing was designed to find a kid with a heart as pure as chocolate.
I wanted to write from the perspective of literally putting on Willy Wonka’s hat and exploring his world view.
Addie wanted to be Veruca Salt for Halloween because she has the singing parts in the movie. However, I was encouraged the other day when she had second thoughts because Veruca was mean.
But then yesterday, I spent the whole day with my Leadership Denver cohort diving deep into the poverty being experienced in our city today. It is clear that just like 50 years ago, we have kids like Charlie Bucket trying to live on cabbage water.
And just like Charlie, these kids have dreams (and so do their parents). They are searching for their Golden Tickets. But just like in the movie, it feels like there are so many more kids than tickets.
I also learned that going in and out of poverty in the United States is an ongoing journey that many people face throughout their lifetime. That drug addiction, sudden loss of income, and major health issues can quickly take someone (anyone) into poverty. We like to talk about it happening to ‘them’, but it is really an issue of ‘us’.
I have classmates that probably think that I still don’t get it. That in a way, I am still one of those spoiled kids that don’t know what it is like to be Charlie (or a non-white version of Charlie). Well, they are probably right! I’ve been thinking all week about how grateful I am for my grandparents and parents navigating their mobility from poverty into the middle class and beyond. That through hard work and opportunity, that they found their version of Golden Tickets.
So honestly, it feels like I may have a few more questions than insights:
What Golden Tickets do I have to offer?
What am I going to do to move the needle for more kids like Charlie?
How do I raise girls pure in heart and not act like Veruca Salt or Mike TV?
What does my ideal factory look like?
What do I want my legacy to be?
The movie ends with Charlie, Grandpa Joe, and Willy Wonka soaring above Nördlingen Germany in the Wonka-Vader (I believe in the book it is the Great Glass Elevator). We don’t know what Charlie did with Chocolate Factory after he inherited it. We don’t know if he took this great gift and made it something even better.
But I definitely have something churning like chocolate in my brain and in my heart. Right now, it feels like I’m on an expedition to discover purpose by building upon the great opportunities that I have been provided and the relationships that I have built. To find a way to make a bigger contribution and to have a greater impact.
I kicked off September on an overnight retreat with over 65 people in the Leadership Denver 2020 program. We are a class with varying backgrounds in business, non-profit, and civic roles across Denver. It’s sponsored by The Denver Metro Chamber Leadership Foundation, with the mission to educate and inspire people who want to make a difference as leaders in their community.
We are just starting to get to know each other and the retreat had it all. A long car ride with a carpool (or in our case, the ‘dad pool’), professional facilitators, small team breakouts, skits, a late night, and a legit ropes course.
I was super excited and those that know me well, know that I absolutely love these type of things. (Maybe I should have gone the camp counselor career path route).
These retreats are designed to push comfort zones.
Meeting new people
Speaking in front of a lot of people
Doing physical challenges
Dancing in front of others
Connecting with strangers
Sharing self-assessment results
Small talk
Not-so-small talk
So in sitting down to post this reflection, I learned that there is a Wikipedia page dedicated to defining the comfort zone, and it is simplified to 3 phycological states.
Comfort Zone
Optimal Performance Zone
Danger Zone
Note: Some of my classmates were talking a lot about the ‘freak out zone’, so I think there may be a fourth ring beyond the danger zone.
Insights and Takeaways
I was in my element, definitely hanging out in the comfort zone and optimal performance zone. However, I learned that not everyone shares my affection for these type of situations (at least at first… or maybe never for others). The first insight for me was that we don’t all have the same comfort zones. It wasn’t about me feeling comfortable, but how do I support others and meet them where they are.
Comfort zones have invisible boundaries. So when we are challenged to get out of our comfort zones, it’s difficult to know where our lines are drawn. We might not even know where our comfort zones begin and end until we are in the middle of an experience. (Although I think it is unanimous that 99% of people are uncomfortable with the ‘close talker’, and need at least an arms-length distance from someone when having a conversation). Anyway, the takeaway for me is to remember that others don’t know your comfort zone boundaries either. So let them know where you are, where you want to be, and then they can help you get there.
This is not on the test (in fact, there is no test). Seth Godin talks a lot about this. We have trained ourselves to want to know the right answers, many times before we even begin. We want to ensure we know the rules of engagement and how we will be measured for success before taking the leap. However, there is no right or wrong way to go through experiential learning. It’s just like life. You have to just be you, evaluate the results, and make adjustments.
Feeling pushed, but not shoved. I use this phrase a lot to describe how I like to be lead in my work life. It was also something that came to mind during the retreat. How do you push someone from their comfort zone into the optimal performance zone, without going to the danger zone (or “getting on the express lane to the freak out zone?”) At work, we talk a lot about how we stretch our employees to help them grow in their careers. We want to push people beyond their comfort zones, but ensure they are ready. Ensure we don’t promote someone too quickly and send them from a comfort zone right into the danger zone. If the person isn’t ready to jump, don’t be the one to shove them off the obstacle. Figure out where they are at and then go from there. When they are ready, they’ll jump.
A classmate making the leap!
Comfort zones change but never go away. I’ve mentioned to my friends that in my early 20’s, I honestly thought that life got easier the older that you got. That you figure life out and roll with it. (I know right… I am much wiser now!) Shifting in and out of comfort zones is part of life as we get exposed to new challenges and opportunities. In my career, I struggle with transitioning in and out of individual contributor and leadership positions. At home, as soon as I get comfortable, our daughters are moving into another growth stage and I’m working with Katie to stay mindful and not get overwhelmed. You never grow out of having comfort zones and you face them in all phases of life from childhood into the golden years.
So why do comfort zones matter?
Learning is uncomfortable
Leadership is uncomfortable
Facing challenges is uncomfortable
Letting others help you is uncomfortable
Not having answers is uncomfortable
The unknown is uncomfortable
I’m also learning that even though I may not have trouble speaking in front of a group, not exactly knowing what words I am going to say. Putting these blogs out there on the internet is definitely uncomfortable and stretching my comfort zone. So thanks for reading and I appreciate all of the support.
