Work/life – Mixing Pods

Father’s Day Reflections

With the combination of Father’s day and the Summer Solstice, I’ve been diving into reflections on how I approach fatherhood and raising two young girls at the age of 43.

I started thinking about it a few weeks ago when I received a homework assignment from Coach Margie. We’ve been focusing on future goals when she surprised me with a homework assignment to carve out some time to reflect on my dad’s health and how it is impacting me. My father is progressing through Parkinson’s disease and the effects are starting to be more and more pronounced.

My dad and nephew tying some fishing flies after dad received a couple of new stints for his heart on March 4th.

The timing of this exercise was in the midst of COVID-19 quarantines and stay at home orders. So I have had more time to reflect, as well as, more time to time at home with Katie and girls. (Side note: I got 12 hours a week back in my life working from home vs. commuting to work every day).

I honestly don’t know if I am done processing the question, but I thought I would share the reflections so far in this blog post and felt that Father’s Day was the perfect time to do it.

There are no more somedays

Katie and I got married really young and we were often asked about when we would have kids. Our go-to response became ‘someday’. Someday turned out to be 13 years and ‘someday’ became a bit of an inside joke.

However, there hasn’t been a better reminder to live every day to it’s fullest than to watch some very strong men in my life, including my father, go through aging and health challenges. It’s not just difficult on them, but those that support them as well. (I’ll dedicate another blog to SuperNani7 – a.k.a. my mom).

Watching my father lose the ability to do the things that he loves has been difficult. Skiing, golfing, gardening, and driving. I miss the conversations on the ski lift. We hear things all the time from older and wiser people in our lives. “They grow up so fast”, “life is short”, “It’s the little things that I miss”.

I’m pretty sure those wise people are telling us to make ‘someday’, today. Our days together are limited and you never know what lies ahead. Live life to the fullest now and don’t wait for someday.

Do you have any ‘somedays’?
Is there something that you can move from someday, to today?
What is holding you back?

Lesson from Daddy Boot Camp – Two Words

Engaged and Supportive. Those were the two words that I wrote down when the instructor at Daddy Boot camp asked us to jot down the two words we wanted our child to use describe us when they were older. It was a very powerful exercise.

Engaged as a father shows up in many different ways. Whether going on an adventure, playing a mean game of hot lava, or our Q&A game that results in the girls being tossed on the bed. (Katie doesn’t necessarily love when the engagement comes right before bedtime).

In addition, being engaged has progressed beyond just how I want to show up for the girls. I use it now as a guide to how I show up as a husband, friend, and family member. It has also become an anchor to how I want to show up with at work as an employee and the culture that I want to foster. I’m finding more and more opportunities to engage with my community and the ‘Dad Pool’.

Supportive. Over the past 6 years, I think I have been more in tune with the engagement word than the supportive word. In my head, the supportive aspect would come when they were older. (Like that wonderful 12-15 year-old-period that I hear so much about). Being there after they encounter challenges at school, their first break-up, going to college, etc.

Lately, I’ve been examining what supportive looks like now. How do I balance being supportive, but not coddling? Building the right level of independence, mental toughness, appreciation for failures, and exploring their own interests. I’m finding it is kind of easy to coddle your kids. The current strategy is to surround the girls with strong women role models for the world ahead. To embrace the exploration of new places and different people. I think we all will grow in this area.

Are there two words that you want others to use to describe you?
Are those characteristics showing up on a daily basis?
Are there pods in your life that those two words can show up more?

Just be a better man

More gratitude, more empathy, less judgment, and be present. Those are some of the things that pop in my head when I think about being a better man. Is it really that simple?

I happened to listen to the song, Better Man, by Judah and the Lion on my walk with our dog Buford this morning and this was the last verse that caught my attention:

Oh my hands to serve and love
My eyes to see and not to judge
My spirit now to rise within
And reign over my carnal skin

I have come so far from my days of being extremely work-focused, over-worked, and in my own head. I still have work to do and have been using gratitude and empathy in my toolkit to make progress. I explored this a bit in a previous blog when my dad turned 80.

I know that I show up better each day if I try and stay present. It’s a sad reality, but my life is already half-over. The time is now to double down on how I spend the rest of my time here on earth. I feel that I have more to offer this world, my family, my friends, and people I haven’t even met yet.

What does looking like a better man or woman look like to you?
What are you waiting for?

Lastly, below is a 3-minute video that I recorded yesterday on a morning walk. I woke up thinking about my core values, and the word engagement kept surfacing. I guess it makes sense based on what I shared above. However, I think I am just starting to explore what it means for ‘engagement’ to be a core value a bit deeper. Stay tuned…

Insights from the ‘Dad Pool’

I’d like to introduce you to the ‘Dad Pool’. We started out as 4 guys paired up based on where we lived to carpool to a Leadership Denver retreat last September. The first thing we realized that we had in common was that we were all fathers. Over the past 10 months, we have contributed to each other’s growth, while supporting each other during some of the most dynamic times in our history.

Top right: Me
Top left: Jon Woods
Bottom Left: Corey Edwards
Bottom Right: Ryan Harris

In this blog, I want to share some insights and observations from the Dad Pool that I think you can leverage for your own pods.

Build a Foundation of Trust

Like all new relationships, you have to start somewhere. The Dad Pool was no different. We started with small talk over sports, family, fatherhood, day jobs, and the legitimacy of boneless buffalo wings. It provided us insight into each other’s perspective and how our world views were formed. My friend Derrick summarized it for me this week, “If you can’t talk about the little things, you won’t be able to talk about the big things.” (We have been close friends for almost 30 years, growing together from boys going through puberty to becoming middle-aged men… that is so painful to say).

So as our Dad Pool relationships grew through experiences and everyday encouragement, the discussions shifted from the little things to big things. We were able to engage in conversations on race, poverty, policy, and other critical topics during a global pandemic because we had built a foundation of trust with each other. We are in a place that allowed us to see each other, hear each other, and help each other grow.

In a recent discussion on racial realities among 60+ people, I definitely got a bit defensive. I’m not proud of it and I’m also on a growth journey. I felt deflated, misunderstood, and disconnected. However, the Dad Pool was amongst the first ones to extend their hands and help me back on my feet. We had built up enough trust and they know what’s deep in my heart and my intent. We move on together!

Seize any opportunity to Connect

Corey had a major commitment on the first day of the retreat and was going to miss a big portion. I think that most people would have just skipped the retreat altogether (it was 3 hours away). However, Corey had the foresight to know the value of a long road trip in a car with dudes he didn’t know that well. He got up early and jumped in the carpool, only to turnaround and drive back as soon as we unloaded the car and said a few hellos to others. (Props to Ryan to let him take his truck for the day, we definitely didn’t know each other’s driving records yet). We didn’t see Corey again until the end of the night but felt so connected from our ride down earlier in the day. The next day after the retreat, we had another 3 hours to keep building and strengthening our foundation.

I often hear from many people that are longing for deeper connections with others. I believe there are opportunities that arise daily across a number of your pods to connect. Whether it’s at work, among friends and family, or even organized meetups. However, it is so easy to talk yourself out being the one to make the first call, going to an event alone, or jumping in the carpool. There are many opportunities to make a deeper connection with others that we don’t take advantage of. What does it look like to seize your next opportunity to choose connection over the daily grind?

Save my Life

This week was so intense, as the world addresses race inequality and displays another rallying cry for change. To get some fresh air, the Dad Pool arranged a ‘golf’ outing (I put golf in quotes because it was really just an opportunity for us to connect in person… we didn’t even keep score). It was on this walk around the course when Corey looked me in the eyes and said, “save my life”. It’s a moment that I will never forget and the conversation was about the role white people will have in racial equality. It was powerful and meaningful. It was also something that could not have been said if we hadn’t built a foundation of trust and deep connection (see the two insights above).

BELIEVING we can CHANGE THE WORLD

Ryan signs off every one of his e-mails his with “Let’s change the world”. He is not just throwing out an aspiration, he means it. Every conversation we have, whether it is in person, over the phone, or one of his signature video chats, he inspires me to be my best self. His positivity is contagious and he has unbelievable skills in boosting confidence and belief in yourself. He follows through. I’ll get a random link to something that relates to a dream I shared or an invitation to a learning opportunity related to one of my goals. Ryan knows the power of belief and teamwork. As a member of a Superbowl winning team, author of the book Mindset for Mastery, radio host, and public speaker. After a conversation with Ryan, you believe that you can actually change the world.

“Let’s change the world” four words to approach each and every day.

Dynamic Times Require Dynamic Responses

Throughout the COVID-19 stay at home orders, Jon has been modeling what I will call the 3 A’s. Agility, Adjust, and Adapt. I’ve been watching Jon experience the feelings of both flourishing and frustration under the new ways we found ourselves working. However, Jon constantly tweaks how he is balancing work and life activities and to get the structure that he wants in his day. He doesn’t accept the status quo and he is quick to take action.

I’m not ready to call our experience over the past 3 months the ‘new normal’, but it is very clear that we are going to have to be quicker to adapt to the external environment and figure out how to contribute and be productive (while remaining sane).

Dad jokes, fart jokes, TikToc Videos

We live in heavy times and laughter is so important in keeping us balanced and healthy. The Dad Pool is a constant reminder of Rule #6 from the book, The Art of Possibility. Rule #6 is to not take ourselves so damn seriously. Especially during these times, humor helps us reset and recharge. It helps us feel more connected as we take on the challenging task of changing the world.

So… although this blog is about the insights that I have gained from the Dad Pool in my own personal growth regarding engaging in growth and embracing change. The most valuable lesson is the importance of instilling them in our girls as they grow up. Being a dad is one of the most important roles that I have right now, and I’ll be leaning on the Dad Pool for continued guidance and insights.

P.S. Below is a short video exploring that in order to engage in change, we must establish a foundation of trust. (Insight #1 in this blog)

3-42-80… and everything in-between

3-42-80. No, that is not my locker combination. Those are the ages of my youngest daughter, me, and my father. A span of 77 years across 3 generations and right now, I am trying to successfully navigate all of them.

There really isn’t a much better example of mixing pods. Balancing work and life (3 generations of it), while trying to achieve personal and professional goals. I’m striving to be an engaged husband and father, level up in my career, and ensure my parents are getting the support they need. Sometimes it feels like it’s a gravy train of transitions with one leading into the other and I never an opportunity to settle in. I’m starting to see why people gain weight in their 40s (don’t worry, my diet starts tomorrow).

This blog is about sharing insights and there are plenty of those to go around. Although, there are times that I have more questions than insights.

Parenting

Our girls are 3 and 5-years-old. These are super fun ages. Maggie has embraced learning to read, write, and do math in kindergarten. Addie is learning that you have to keep your hands and your lips to yourself in pre-school (no kissing in the playhouse!) It’s amazing to watch them learn so much about our world and remind us that there is nothing cooler than seeing things for the first time.

It also turns on the internal monologue and I start asking myself questions.

Am I staying present?
What is the right amount of discipline?
How do I not wind them up at night before bed? (It just happens)
How do we not coddle our kids and allow them to learn by trial and error?
Will I make it through ages 13 and 14? (Can’t wait to see those blogs!)
How do I ensure we have a lifelong relationship?

I learned from watching the Pixar movie, ‘Inside Out’, that there are core memories and I want to make them good ones. Looking back at some of my favorite core memories as a kid, they weren’t architected, they just happened.

Adulting

Parenting, working, husbanding, friending, mentoring, communitying… It seems like every day is jammed packed. I am so fortunate that Katie is an awesome partner and we continue to grow together, rather than apart as we approach 20 years of marriage. I attribute this to our support of each other across all of our pods. However, that doesn’t mean that I’m not constantly wondering,

Am I living up to my role as a husband?
Do I have more to contribute to my community?
Am I fostering important connections and friendships?
Am I living up to my potential professionally?
Am I actually being the leader that I desire to be?
How could I make a bigger impact?

Every day, it feels like I have to re-learn that time is our most valuable resource. (Yep, even at age 42). I’m grateful for the moments that I use time as an amazing asset. I can also get frustrated by my mismanagement of it, regretting the opportunity costs associated with some of my decisions. Prioritization should be easy… right? As explored in another blog about this time last year, is it over committing or under prioritizing?

Aging

We spend a lot of time and energy preparing for our golden years in the physical and financial sense. But I’ve realized there is a gap in how we prepare for the toll aging takes on our mentality. Giving up some of our most beloved activities like skiing and golfing, to more common daily activities like driving and yard work. We spend decades building up our confidence and ‘being the rock’, which makes it difficult when you can’t do the things that made you, you. My parents did an awesome job planning for their future over the years, but it definitely has me exploring new questions?

Am I showing the right amount of empathy?
What does this transition look like?
Am I ensuring enough time with their grandchildren?
Am I doing enough for our own retirement and post-retirement planning?
Am I carving out time for my siblings, in-laws, and extended family?
Do I really understand how fast time really goes?

I’m not trying to turn this blog into the song, Cat’s in the Cradle by Harry Chapin. However, I’m hoping that just like that song and others like it, it provides space to take stock of our priorities. (I apologize now for that song ringing in your head for the next 12 or so hours)

Ok… So maybe there are a few insights?

When I take a step back and look at 3-42-80, maybe it is a combination to unlocking great insights. Maybe this is where that whole wisdom vs. knowledge thing shows up in life.

Being present should never be understated
Knowing thyself is a lifelong journey
Life is complicated and gray, not black and white
If it feels like you are over-analyzing, you probably are
Don’t take yourself so seriously
Participate and contribute (not someday, today!)
Find your crew, tribe, and confidants

Honestly, none of these insights are new and have been shared for ages. It’s the application in our daily lives that makes them real. For me, 3-42-80 means that I can go from teaching ABCs to presenting to corporate executives, to discussing long-term care… all before 10:00 a.m.

It makes me laugh when I look back and thought that life got easier the older you got. Wisdom!

“You are not a f***ing squirrel!”

That is what one of my best friends told me over 10 years ago when I was in desperate need of perspective. I was overworked, overwhelmed, and felt like a zombie from a lack of sleep and poor self-care. I was so deep in my own head that I didn’t know how to be present. (I think we call it mindfulness today). He provided the right words at the right time that changed how I approach work and life.

I’ve been thinking back on that time a lot lately and since this is the time of year that I reflect on the past and begin setting goals and plans for the next. I sort of take personal planning and goal setting to the next level (as Katie rolls her eyes) and I can’t believe 2020 is here already.

So for some background on the squirrel, it goes all the way back to 2003. The White Stripes released an album called Elephant, which included a song named Little Acorns. The song starts with a narrator speaking over a piano, telling a story about a girl named Janet that was overwhelmed by multiple problems in her life. One day, she saw a squirrel gathering acorns for the winter and it inspired her. If that squirrel can take care of itself for the winter by gathering acorns one at a time, so could she by attacking her problems one at a time. The song then gets jamming with a guitar riff and eventually includes the line “be like the squirrel, girl!”

A few years later, I was on a large post-merger integration project and was traveling every week. I was in a stretch role and I was super stressed. This wasn’t unusual for me, I tended to be quite uptight early in my career as I thought it was my responsibility to get engaged and solve every challenge that surfaced. But during this time, the stress really got to me and it impacted how I showed up in all aspects of my life. My anxiety was through the roof and I was had gotten into a serious funk. I wore it 24/7. Katie was supportive and helped me seek out professional help.

Katie doesn’t always share my taste in music, but she sent me a quick text one day. It read, “be like the…” and then she attached a picture of a squirrel. I thought it was great and I made the squirrel photo my phone wallpaper to keep as a reminder.

**Be like the squirrel (or don’t!)**

Photo By Cephas – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=9645363

A few weeks later, one of my best friends, Austin, took me out to a movie to try and get me to laugh and just be a bit goofy (I think we went to Dukes of Hazard). Austin was dealing with his own stuff and although our problems weren’t the same, he understood the complexity of mental health.

I had taken my phone from my pocket in the lobby to check a text. Austin looked over and asked why I had a squirrel as my wallpaper? I told him the story and we went watch the movie.

Three days later, Austin called me up and said, “Dude, you know that I love Katie, (he has known her since we met in 1997), but you are not a f***ing squirrel!” He paused (for effect to ensure it stuck) and then continued by saying that ever since he had met me (we had known each other since the 5th grade and became very close in high school), that I was never a squirrel. That I always had a lot on my plate and that I needed to have a lot going on. There wasn’t a reason to be like the squirrel, it’s not how I was wired. He was telling me that this wasn’t a time to survive, it was a time to thrive!

His words had an immediate impact and my mind quickly went through a paradigm shift. I remember feeling the tension release in my shoulders and I stopped clenching my jaw. The pressure valve had released.

I began ’embracing the chaos’. I accepted that there were a lot of balls in the air rather than freaking out about which one was going to fall to the ground first. I felt more comfortable navigating ‘everything is a priority’ environments by stepping back by doing my best on what I can control and accepting the rest.

The conversation provided significant insight into a mindset that I have been applying in the years since. It keeps me engaged today as I balance the demands of family, fatherhood, work, and volunteering. There are definitely puts and takes, but I can definitely feel the difference when I am playing offense instead of defense. (I couldn’t resist a sports analogy).

Anyway, I still love jamming out to the song (give it a listen here). Sure it helps me keep perspective, but mainly because it brings back the memories of a caring wife and a best friend.

Who’s teaching who? Lessons from kindergarten on showing up at work

This is Maggie’s first year in Kindergarten and Addie is attending preschool in the same building. Katie has to be at her own school in the morning and I get the awesome privilege to drop the girls off at school before heading out to work.

This was a bit stressful for me. First of all, I have been work-centered for so many years and tended to prioritize work commitments over everything else. So this is a big paradigm shift for this brain of mine. It’s also quite a commute to my client site from our neighborhood. So I show up later now than I used to, and it still feels a bit awkward. The morning is well underway by the time I get there and I don’t have the time to get settled and organized before all the meetings start for the day. I feel rushed and a little bit disheveled.

However, throughout the month of September, I found myself enjoying drop off more and more and owning up to it. I’m focusing less on the hustle and bustle of it all, especially how it is impacting me at work, and just taking it in with the family.

Katie, the girls, and their amazing teachers are demonstrating important lessons and providing insights every morning to help me be at my best. I took a step back and reflected on school drop off duty. I think that I can apply these lessons to help me show up better at work.

Here are a few of the insights I have learned so far:

Be Present and Keep Perspective: It’s not lost on me that there is a short window of time when the girls will want to ride to school singing about ‘who stole the cookie from the cookie jar’ and playing ‘eye spy’. I’m pretty sure that I’ll remember these moments a lot longer than I’ll remember whatever my response to that urgent e-mail will be sitting in my inbox. Today only happens once and it takes effort to keep perspective. Some people figure out what matters most through life-changing events. I just wish it didn’t always have to come from something like that.

Mindset Matters: I notice that the girls have a new attitude every day. They don’t carry things with them from the previous day and are very quick to let things go. They’re excited to learn and have an appreciation for their new school experience on a daily basis. What if I focused less on the everyday grind and more about the opportunity to learn something new? Get to know someone a layer deeper? Choose to bring a positive attitude to the office every morning? (I also can’t wait to read this in 10 years when they are teenagers to see if the paragraph above still resonates. It should, but…)

Pre-plan the Night Before: First of all, this insight has the word ‘plan’ in it, so it clearly the one that Katie implemented, not me. It makes a big difference! Katie gets the girl’s clothes laid out and ready to go (sometimes after a pretty intense negotiation with Maggie on what she is going to wear), which saves us all-time in the morning. I’m also trying to apply this one in the workplace and close out the day with the plan for the next day. It helps me start with the highest priority the next morning. (at least some of the time… see the comment above about the urgent e-mail in the inbox).

Routines Rule: Successful school drop off relies on our morning routine and staying on schedule. We’ve figured out that leaving the house 2 minutes late is the difference from a steady stroll up to the classroom door vs. racing to the door before it is shut behind the teacher. (I still haven’t had to do a late check-in at the office, which is my ultimate measure of success. However, I have forgotten the lunch box and I am very thankful for the hot lunch option.) I’m sure there are more routines that I can implement in my work life to be more productive and help stay on schedule. Lord knows my boss would like that.

You Can Eat Breakfast Too: We ensure the girls have enough time to eat a good breakfast before heading to school. (Full disclosure, this doesn’t go perfectly every morning and yes, we sometimes have the containers in the car or something less desirable like a breakfast bar.) Anyway, for all of these years, why did I think it was ok to head out to work without breakfast? I’m noticing a big difference in how I feel throughout the day when I eat in the morning. A decent breakfast, not like the 430 calories in a grande white chocolate mocha. I went through that phase a few years back… one of those and I wasn’t hungry until 2:00.

How We Greet Each Other: The teachers come outside every morning smiling, with high energy, and are very welcoming. They are keenly aware that how they show up impacts how the kids respond. Of course, they have a ton going on in their own personal and professional lives, but the kids would never know it. They put the anxious ones at ease and get all of them excited for the day. This is why small talk has an important place in the workplace. This is where relationships start and build into a foundation. It’s not only about first impressions, but repeated daily interactions with those you work with the closest. It has me thinking about how I can bring more positivity into how I show up at work? How can I create a better environment for me and my co-workers?

Maggie was welcomed with open arms on her first day of school. She has been excited to go ever since.

Give Yourself a Break: Life is busy and stuff happens. Alarms don’t go off, clothes suddenly don’t fit, breakfast burns, the car is super low on gas, traffic is worse than normal, you spill your coffee on your white shirt, your phone is dead, you forget something, … We all have so much going on and we have a stack of ‘if only’s’. Take 3 breaths, think about something to be grateful for, don’t try and make excuses, and give yourself a break.

Overall, school drop off has been going pretty well. However, check-in with me in a couple of weeks. Katie is out of town for back-to-back conferences, so I’ll be flying solo and I am sure that I’ll learn some new lessons. She is the nucleus of our family and does an incredible job running our household. I’m pretty sure the girls will see the fear in my eyes and step up to help as well.

And this is just Kindergarten!

Dude… am I a complainer?

I was driving down I-25 jamming out to Alt Nation on Sirus XM and the song Complainer, by Cold War Kids came on the radio. I’ve heard it a few times already and enjoy the tune, but this time I let the lyrics sink in a bit.

You say you want to change this world
Well, do you really believe in magic?
But you can only change yourself
Don’t sit around and complain about it
Now you’re out on your own, don’t know where you belong
Don’t sit around and complain about it
You say you want to change this world
Don’t sit around and complain about it
Cold War Kids, Complainer

A number of thoughts entered my mind. Initially on our macro society (It really feels like we have taken complaining to a new level over the past couple of years… It’s so noisy.) But most of all, I started reflecting on some very personal moments. I began asking myself, am I a complainer?

I’ve always thought of myself as a ‘just do it’ person. I have a lot of pride, strive for personal accountability, and try to rally people around me by being positive. But, I can also complain like the best out there, even when I have the best intentions. Lately, I have been much more aware of catching myself complaining (at home and at work) and trying to shift that energy into action.

Complaining is probably one of the most common ways that most of us mix pods. Especially when it comes to complaining about work at home. It is also the most unproductive time we spend in our day. Think about all the time we would get back in our lives if we were not complaining about work (and the amount of time we would save our families because frankly, they aren’t really that interested in our complaints anyway).

So here are 3 insights that I’ve been thinking about lately whenever the song gets in my head. I thought that I would share them to see if it helps us all complain a little less so that we can get on with changing the world.

Identify the PERSONAL source of the complaints

When I find myself complaining, it’s usually because there is something personal at the root of it. Almost every time.

Do I want to improve something?
Do I want to be heard?
Do I want to be included? (maybe I’m feeling left out?)
Do I genuinely want to see change?
Do I want to feel empowered?
Do I want to be inspired?
Do I know the WIFM (What’s in it for me)?
Am I competitive and want to win?
Am I not part of the decision-making process?
Am I taking myself way too seriously?

For so long I’ve struggled with telling myself that it is not personal, it’s just business. Well, then why am I so passionate about things? Why are some of these things so hard to let go? Phil Knight summed it up well in his memoir, Shoe Dog.

“It’s never just business. It never will be. If it ever does become just business, that will mean that business is very bad.”
Phil Knight, Shoe Dog

Once I’m able to identify why something has become so personal, I’m able to shift the mindset from complaining to objectively problem-solving. I start seeing the big picture.

Have empathy, but don’t forget the context

A few years back, my Gallup Strengths Finder had empathy as my #1 strength. I think it was during a time when I was flexing my empathy muscle a lot, but maybe too hard. I was starting to take on every gripe that others had as my own and carried it up to the chain of command. I was trying to model the Tom Hanks character, Captain Miller in the scene in Saving Private Ryan. “That gripes go up, not down”.

I have now learned that you need to be selective about which gripes you are going to take up, and how often. There was a phase in my career when I was trying to influence a change in the organization by just saying things louder and on repeat. I then received some very direct feedback, that “I always tend to frame things in the negative.” Well poop, that wasn’t how I intended to show up. All the behind the scenes cheerleading I did with the team wasn’t recognized by my boss because to him, all I did was bring complaints.

I also didn’t balance all that empathy with everyone involved, including those that I was trying to influence. I didn’t get in tune with the context of the environment or take into consideration the thousands of inputs taking place outside of my perspective.

It’s easy to forget to have empathy for the people that we are trying to influence and change. Whether it’s a boss, a spouse, a co-worker, aging parents, a friend, or sibling. Sometimes we forget to step into their shoes, to understand their goals, risks, and most importantly, their fears. They deserve our empathy as well.

You don’t have to win the conversation, just be clear on what we are solving for

We focus a lot on who is wrong and who is right. But we spend most of our time justifying our actions in order to make ourselves feel better. We want to have the last word to make sure the conversation ends on our terms.

Ohh and by the way, nothing is ever black and white. Big issues are complex, they have a lot at stake, and a ton of considerations. We get so wrapped up in trying to sell our side of the story that we lose sight of basic problem statements. What are we solving for?

If we gave our mind and our mouth a few moments to breath, we would see that we are so busy trying to be right that we are missing an opportunity to listen and get more information. A moment to refocus on the problem that we are trying to solve.

Anyway, I’m sure a few more insights will surface on this one and I hope to catch myself when I get into complainer mode and think about what’s truly behind it. Then shift into a positive and productive mindset to get busy on the steps that make progress on solving the problem.

I’m not totally sure how I can or will change the world, but I do know that I just don’t want to sit around and complain about it!

Addie didn’t know how to articulate it, but she definitely was complaining inside having to pose for this picture.

The true power in unplugging!

We took a family vacation in the Colorado mountains earlier this month and I came back truly refreshed with a renewed energy and focus.

And with that introduction, you may be thinking “No duh! That’s the whole point, where have you been? And how is this insightful?”

Well, it’s kind of sad, but I really struggle with totally unplugging mentally from everything going on professionally while on vacation. I’m pretty terrible about taking a day off and based upon what I see and hear from others, I don’t think that I’m alone.

For some of us, it may be FOMO (fear of missing out), a deep-rooted need for accomplishment, or that we just enjoy the work we do. For me, it’s probably a bit of all three and may have started when I got all those perfect attendance awards in elementary school. (I really loved going to school.)

Anyway, I’ve been reflecting back on how I felt during the week that I unplugged here are my top 3 insights:

1) Get in the pool

One of the best places to be present is in a pool. (Especially with kids, and even more so if they can’t touch the bottom of the pool and still learning to swim). There is no ‘halfway’ paying attention. Chances are they are having a blast and so are you. The ‘here and now’ presence in the pool is powerful and provides a refuge from our busy days. The water forms a natural boundary and there is no quick glance at the phone for the latest notification or some other distraction.

Side note: Unfortunately, I’ve noticed that there aren’t enough parents getting in the pool. I have kind of been amazed at how many parents sit and watch me entertain their kids.

Anyway, it’s not just a place those of us with young kids. The water can be energizing and the buoyancy may be just what your overworked body needs. No matter how old you are, getting in the pool and swimming (or maybe just bobbing) may be exactly what you need to get refocused and refreshed.

2) More balance, less integration

I wrote about discovering boundaries a couple of months back. But the insight here is specifically focused during a time that you are supposed to be unplugged. We continue to embrace the shift from a work-life balance mindset to one of work-life integration now that we are connected 24/7. We can take calls, do tasks quickly on our smartphones, and then jump back right back into our personal time.

However, I’m starting to feel the work-life integration concept is a one-way street. There isn’t a lot of life integrating with work, but a whole lot of work integrating with life. Have you ever gone on a trip or even played a simple round of golf with someone that has one foot in the work door? It can be pretty annoying and they are usually the only one that feels it is going just fine.

Those of you that travel every week probably love having WiFi on the plane these days, but are you reading fewer books? It seems like we are so focused at the airport searching for an outlet in order to have the privilege to sprawl out on the floor and charge our devices. Rather, think about the freedom in just reflecting on the trip, the people, the sites, the food, and the cultural experiences.

3) Let the Priorities Surface

The best part of prolonged downtime is that the important things tend to take shape and the real priorities begin to surface. Getting out of the grind and breaking daily routines, allows us to tap into aspirations, dreams, and other realities that we pushed to the back of our minds.

We need to allow time for our thoughts to breathe and that can’t happen if you get tied up in some email or spend 20 minutes doing a task that you honestly thought could be done in 2 minutes. (and then do it again and again).

Giving yourself that important space allows you to discover the top 20% of the things you should care about that give you the most joy, fulfillment, purpose, <insert your favorite adjective (or adverb) here>.

It also reminds me of the questions that a buddy of mine used to ask me when I was overworked and overwhelmed when we were supposed to be having fun. “What are you going to remember a year from now? This experience or that one work task you got done?”

Side note: Be careful with this question, it can be used to justify many actions. Another side note: You never remember the work task a year later.

So, the summer isn’t over yet. I hope you can find some time to totally unplug before the busy fall season is upon us with back-to-school activities, fantasy football, and shorter days.

Hanging out with the family at the top of Vail Mountain. Unplugged and happy!

I guess boundaries are important to be productive

I really wasn’t good at coloring between the lines when I was a kid. I don’t know if it was an artistic skill thing or the ability to sit still long enough to focus on the art. Actually, I think it was a little bit of both.

Our girls provided a visual of my struggles at a diner in Glenwood Springs a couple of months ago. Maggie was focused and committed to coloring on the kid’s menu. However, Addie was too busy to sit still and wanted to stir up a little laughter.

While Maggie focused on the coloring, our mischievous Adeline was not to be tamed by a few crayons and a kids menu

Anyway, I’ve been feeling stretched a bit thin and not as focused lately. I think it is a combination of my commitments across multiple pods, my trouble sitting still, along with my serious FOMO issues.

I hear that setting clear boundaries is a good tool to prevent this from happening. However, you have probably picked up that as a guy that writes about mixing pods, I have challenges with boundaries.

My challenge with boundaries begins with a bit of overcommitment. I was on a project once and the lead said, “you would be surprised what we can get done in two weeks”. He was right, we got a ton done and all it took was 12-14 hour days and weekends. Without boundaries and enough time and resources, anything is possible.

I’m also willing to admit that my tendency to overcommit is self-imposed. I mean, saying no is easy, right?

I’m really good at saying no. Well sort of…

“No problem”
“No worries!”
“No, I got it”
“No, don’t worry about it”
“No, I didn’t do it yet, but I will”

I tend to commit to things with a ‘Ceteris Paribus’ mindset. You may remember this Latin phrase, meaning “all other things being equal” or “other things held constant” or “all else unchanged”. (Well, I actually didn’t remember it either. However, the concept always stuck with me, but I had to look up the Latin and I doubt I pronounce it correctly.)

Anyway, it’s the last definition that gets me in the most trouble because nothing in our life ever stays unchanged. So I’ll commit to something with just the lens of that activity, not factoring in my commitments across other areas, many of which are going to experience change, making them even more of a commitment.

So in writing this blog, I thought that someone must have written about this topic before. A quick google search and yep, lots of discussion on boundaries. (No surprise, a lot of posts on Oprah’s site). I came across this business blog by David Taylor. He actually has some pretty decent tips in his blog focused on productivity. (I couldn’t direct you to an Oprah site, my wife Katie would never stop teasing me).

However, the insight that has surfaced for me, is the need to figure out what the boundaries are before I make the initial commitment. To think through my existing commitments across each of the other pods and what I truly have the capacity to do. Otherwise, I’m just going to continue scrambling to follow through on what I said, “no”, to doing in the first place.

This doesn’t come easy to me. My friend Austin reminds me that I am not a squirrel. (Doing one thing at a time).

Is it time for a road trip?

The past 4 weeks have been incredibly busy and I have been mixing in another pod, my altMBA cohort. Saturday is reflection day.

This weekend we took a little road trip up to Glenwood Springs to watch the high school musical production of Mamma Mia! We were there to support my sister Lisa, who puts her heart in soul into engaging with her students. We were definitely due for a family trip and my parents joined us for the 4-hour car ride.

For me, road trips are less about rest and relaxation and more about connection, presence, and reflection.

Long car rides allow us the time to connect with others about things on our mind, as well as, provide an opportunity to dive a bit deeper. It also gives us time to listen without distractions (of course while focusing on the road). The good news is that the other person can’t run away from the difficult ones. Their verbal and non-verbal queues (like turning up the radio) let you know if they are into it or not. Katie and I have talked over a lot of our dreams, goals, and our futures together on the highway.

Our girls Maggie and Addie can’t get enough traveling and it doesn’t matter where we are going. They love the snacks in the car, the occasional stops, and of course the hotels (especially if there is a pool). These trips provide an excellent opportunity to be present and focused on experiencing an adventure together. Getting all of us out of daily routines and focusing on each other. I’m starting to realize PTO doesn’t stand for Paid Time Off, but Present Time On. This is where those boundaries become so damn important.

I also use road trips as a time to reflect and give extra thought to those ideas that have been incubating and just need a little bit more of my attention. Not in a to-do list sort of way, but in a way that allows my mind to wander the outskirts of the idea. I surround it with other thoughts that act as catalysts. The open road provides a reminder of this vast world and an opportunity to be grateful for so much in our lives.

So if you are going through a major change in your life or just need some time to reset, maybe a road trip is what you need to get your mojo back. Or maybe you just need some time to be present with others or even just some space by traveling alone. There is so much for you to explore outside and in the inside!

*Maggie and Addie LOVE their road trips. I hope to see this picture 20, 30, and 40 years from now!*

WTF… Did I really just eat 5 doughnuts?

Yes, yes I did.

Tuesday was a really crazy day at the office and things didn’t necessarily go to plan. Our team was not operating on all cylinders, leadership was a bit on edge, and everyone was in ‘urgent’ mode.

So driving into work on Wednesday morning, I thought I had a brilliant idea. I’ll bring in Doughnuts to set a new and positive tone. I mean, who wouldn’t want a doughnut in the morning? Especially during valentines week when there were heart shaped ones, pink frosted ones, and lots with red and pink sprinkles.

The thing is, I love doughnuts. When I was in second grade my dream job was to work at Winchell’s Donut House. Although, it looks like I wouldn’t have made it very far in the business, since I apparently may eat all the doughnuts. I also have passed down the love of doughnuts to our little ladies. My daughter’s 4th birthday was a Donut Party.

Nothing better than a donut party celebration!

Well, Wednesday ended up being even more crazy than Tuesday. In addition, it turns out there are a lot more healthy eaters at the office than I expected. My 3 dozen doughnuts were not going as fast as I thought they would. I was actually having trouble hawking the doughnuts.

One of the boxes ended up staying near my desk and about every 2 hours, I just grabbed a doughnut. I didn’t have to leave my desk, I didn’t go have to outside. It was like having an IV of solid sugar (with Bavarian cream and raspberry filling). So when leaving the office at the end of the day, it occurred to me that I had eaten 5 doughnuts and nothing else. Ouch.

Thursday morning was rough! My body begging for something healthy.

So here are 10 things to do to stop you from eating 5 doughnuts at work:

Don’t stop on your way to work and buy doughnuts!
Understand your demand and don’t buy 3 dozen doughnuts!
Don’t put the box next to your desk! (Maybe put the box on your bosses desk!)
Put the doughnuts in the breakroom, people eat doughnuts when no one is looking!
Realize that peer pressure doesn’t always work with doughnuts (which is weird because it works on me every time)!
Bring a lunch, buy a lunch, go to lunch. Don’t have doughnuts for lunch!
Don’t think doughnuts can change the world!
Accidentally drop the box of doughnuts, there is no 10-second rule at work.
Have a posse at work that encourages you to take a lunch break! (and actually eat a lunch)
Save your doughnuts for the weekend with your kids!

However, the true insight from this blog has nothing to do about doughnuts.

It’s that when we take our work so darn seriously that we can’t stop for lunch or to take care of ourselves, then we may have ended up in the wrong place. Sure, there are times of crunch time, when it’s all hands on deck to get something shipped out the door and you can’t seem to catch your breath. But I’ve been here before where crunch time was 6 months long and my mind, body, and relationships paid for it.

A coffee break isn’t a coffee break if you just come back to your desk with a cup of coffee. Gve your self a break and take care of yourself!

P.S. The diet starts on Monday!